My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I hope today was better than yesterday on the period front.
I am glad that you made it to the gaming group in spite of everything. Just making it there is a victory.
It sounds like you are doing lots of good stuff to try to rest while also taking care of your normal chores. Keep that up.
Sorry for a slightly short message tonight. I am dealing with a bit of a panic attack out of the blue.
I’m just tired. The most I did was shove trash cans off the curb, go shopping, and have my Zoom call. By that time I’d maxed out what I could do with my shoulder and asked my neighbor to please haul them back in.
I got my travel funds just in time. It meant I was able to cover half of my Frontier bill and get a little something for dinner. I’m making better choices when I eat out. I’m getting more vegetable proteins at Taco Bell (bean and rice burritos instead of just beef and whatever else goes in the cheap ones, for example).
Before I left to get the food I’d spent a good hour fighting against the thought of visiting my mom tomorrow- she’s not been responding well o any of my messages, so at first I thought she’d blocked me and got my older sister to call and see if it was the same for her. It’s more likely that my mom has damaged her phone again. I double checked her account and saw that she was active. Like she’s been to the corner store and on errands, so she’s not stuck in a hospital.
If anything it almost looks like she’s trying to save money to pay a vet bill my younger sister never took care of, something I advised my mom to not try and take on during one of our last calls about how she’d had so much food spoil when she’d accidentally turned the temperature down on her refrigerator. It’s extremely possible if her phone isn’t broken or if she’s just not misunderstood her phone because she’s confused with technology that she’s ignoring me and my older sister because we’d tell her to focus on herself and not worry about a bill that was several years old.
I told my older sister that I’d changed my mind about going out to see our mom. That it was likely she was fine, and that I’d already had a good time set to call her at the beginning of the month. That I’d check the day before to see if she responded to texts or calls, and if I absolutely had to I’d go in person to see what’s wrong.
I finally told myself that it was all going to depend on my shoulder. That I wasn’t going tomorrow and force myself to take such a long trip if going to gamer’s group wore me out so much. That I needed to focus on my health and my apartment instead.
If you need a laugh, imagine my surprise as I learned that my massage gun (which has very poorly translated instructions and doesn’t describe all the features) works much better when I pressed it down harder against whatever hurts! It was very funny to me, so I tried a couple more of the attachments to see which worked best. I’m hoping that knowing this and putting it into practice several times a day will make my shoulder heal faster as I’m doing my physical therapy exercises, taking medicine, resting, and using ice or heat.
I’m very sorry about the panic attack. Don’t worry about the length of the message. It’s okay.
I hope you found something relaxing to focus on after the attack was over. Please sleep well and enjoy the weekend!
I am hoping that you were able to have a restful day at home today. Your mother is going to be okay and you really need to heal so that you have the strength to help her better. But I know that you worry.
I am glad that you figured out how the massage gun worked and that pressing harder helps more. I know it is all taking a while but you are headed in a better direction on that front.
It sounds like you are headed to more healthy eating too. Once you get used to beans more often they are really good. What is interesting with eating out (or even meals from the food store) is that meals without meat are actually cheaper and healthier simultaneously. We had a fancier dinner out tonight because this weekend is our anniversary (meeting and wedding). I had a lovely salad topped with beets, melon and burrata cheese. It felt quite decadent even without the meat.
Less panic today for me so that is good too.
I rested a lot today. Staying home was the right choice, my shoulder hurt too much for me to do much aside from lay down or sit up. I tried using a heating pad to see if it would help me more, but I have to stick with the cold therapy. It feels like I’ve irritated something in my shoulder.
Meat is pretty expensive, so are eggs, so I’m trying to figure out more protein sources that are affordable. I go for canned things, or frozen because fresh stuff doesn’t last.
I’m so glad you got out for an anniversary and that you’re experiencing less panic today
I am so sorry that you have re-irritated the shoulder. Resting is best and using whatever seems to help most is a good thing. After a while you know when you feel the least pain. You are a good trooper and you are going to find a way to healing.
There are lots of good canned proteins that are cheaper. We do a lot of canned black beans or canned garbanzo beans with rice. You can also get low fat canned refried beans to work with or maybe some frozen chopped spinach. Have you ever done dried lentils? They are very easy to cook in small batches and obviously don't spoil. They are also really cheap. You could get a small bag that might last a few months that you could use to get some variety. They are good with rice or potatoes as long as you add some nice spices. You might even be able to do them with the spinach and a few spices. I can understand that fresh goes bad too fast for one person unless you can find it in smaller quantities which raises the price.
We continue with our "eat around the world" experiment. This week I am making a Jamaican grilled eggplant and rice and then some Irish potato/vegetable soup with bread. @integrityblues
Dried lentils are pretty good. I’ll get some so I can have more protein and variety. I like green vegetables, so frozen spinach is a good idea too.
I’m thinking of politely canceling my Monday job development meeting. It hurts my shoulder, elbow, and hand to sit up and I need to get as much rest for Tuesday’s therapy.
I’m a trooper. I’m just so tired I can’t believe it’s almost been a month…
I’m going to Urgent Care tomorrow. I woke myself up four times and I felt terrible. I still went to therapy anyway and picked up my antidepressants and Tylenol.
I had lunch and spent some time icing my shoulder. Now I just want to rest. I’ll make some soup for dinner and go to bed early so I’m ready for the trip to urgent care.
Yes, I agree that it is time for urgent care. You don't deserve to be in such pain for so long. You were doing slightly better for a while there, but your body is just tired of the pain. I would be too.
May you find some answers, some rest and some healing tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.
I went to Urgent Care this morning and was offered an X-ray or pain treatment. I was in such pain that I took them up on the cortisone steroid shot but was confused over their phrasing while offering an X-ray- like it was free bread being served at the beginning of a meal, it was up to me if I eat it or not. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to a Dr and just been asked if I wanted imaging.
I took the shot and the nurses were discussing my first drs notes when I got ibuprofen, saying that I’ve got a small tear. I should have just accepted the offer of an X-ray to confirm the existence of a rotator cuff tear.
I’m going to have to do physical therapy. Urgent care sent their notes to my primary about physical therapy because it can only be referred.
The shot hurt, but the way they had to map out my shoulder to find the right spot to insert the needle was worse. Lots of squeezing and very firm prodding to find the joints which already hurt so much. Once it was over they experimented moving my arm around and it only really hurt when they tried pulling my arm back.
The shot also had lidocaine in it, so I’m hoping that this makes sleeping a little easier. I’m going to have to do physical therapy while the steroid is working, so within 3 months.
My mom got someone to let her use their phone so she called me up. She broke her phone and has been running into problems. I told her that I’d be coming by on the first.
I am so sorry for all the pain. I hope that the shot will work soon. Physical therapy is going to help. Stay as focused as you can on you and do your best to get some rest.
I will be thinking about you and sending lots of pain-free hugs through our messages.
There is a slight chance that I won't be on tomorrow night. I have a late fundraising dinner for refugees that I have to go to that is far away. But my good thoughts will continue to be with you. @integrityblues
Thanks bestVase. Just have a nice time at the fundraising dinner.
I slept fairly well. I only woke up a few times because while my shoulder hurt it wasn’t something I was straining every time I moved. I basically woke up and listened to the tv for awhile early this morning then drifted off again till my morning pill reminder went off.
I’m going to try and stick with my plans for today as I’d politely updated my neighbor about my condition and he agreed to take on the trash cans till my shoulder was better.
I’ve got a 9 a.m. Zoom call with my job developer that I plan to have while I wait outside the place I go for therapy and gamers group. Then I’ll go home and and rest.
I came on just to see if your pain was any better. A little rest is at least heading in the right direction!
You have a good plan for the day. Sending continued strength and healing. @integrityblues
My pain is more manageable so long as I don’t overuse my arm or hand. I’m still having trouble sitting up in a chair for long periods.
The bus ride home from gamers group became too rough (it was too fast and knocked me around in my seat and caused all sorts of twinges of pain) so once I was home I had to rest.
After awhile I managed to get up to make some ramen and toast then called and made an appointment to see my primary so I could discuss getting some imaging done for my shoulder and whether or not I’m going to speak to a gastroenterologist about GERD. That’ll be on the 6th.
My neighbor hauled out the trash cans like he agreed and pushed them off the curb for pickup this morning. One of the most strenuous things I’ll do today will be throwing out my garbage.
If I start slow I can also start some dishes while I listen to another audiobook.
I can imagine that jostling on the bus causing pain. You end up really tense when you can't be sure which way your shoulder will move next aboard a bus.
I am glad that your neighbor is being kind enough to take out the trash cans. It is also great that you got a doctor's appointment. One step at a time this is going to get better.
May you be able to sit in a chair just a little longer tomorrow. I hope that you are reading lots of good books. @integrityblues
I was able to get a lot of things done today. I stacked dishes and cleared out one side of the sink and cleaned it really well.
I did two small loads of laundry so I can have clean bedding and a couple of towels. While I was waiting for the laundry to be done I vacuumed and played video games. It did hurt my arm a bit to be seated for long stretches of time.
Now that my bed is made I can finally lay down and go to sleep.
That sounds SO much better than how you were doing. I am very happy for you. It is really hard when you are in pain and can't handle the normal stuff than makes you feel clean and comfortable like laundry.
One good day is a triumph and I hope you got another one today. My day was okay. We had some nice grilled Jamaican eggplant and rice for dinner. @integrityblues
Your dinner sounds really good.
I’m watching the last season of You on Netflix.
I’ve gotten very little done today because I over exerted myself the day before. I slept a lot.
I’ve been counting the days till the first and my payday that will be the day afterwards. I’ve been planning some tasks at home to draw some of my attention away from my urge to rush over to mom and help her. With a little of my check I’d like to get some paint and spackle for the holes in the plaster I’ve made by accidentally hitting them while vacuuming and to repaint the top of my built in.
While I was washing a pot in the sink I accidentally knocked off a piece of my faucet. It’s the piece that screws on and has a filter. When I hit it part of it cracked so even though I screwed it back on putting the water on too high makes it shoot off.
I’ll make the call to maintenance on Monday so I’ll have tomorrow to finish the dishes and clean up the sink. It’s over ten years old and is so worn out. Calcified, old caulking, occasionally leaks, and now a piece is broken. I’ll clean the whole kitchen so I’m ready for them.
One day you get lots done and the next you rest more. For now that's an okay schedule as you heal.
It sounds like the sink faucet has been quite the adventure. I am guessing that you got quite wet. Hopefully they can fix it quickly for you. Your work on the walls also sounds like a good project. I love that you are trying to distract yourself from doing too much for your mom.
Are you listening to some good audio books or reading? We attempted to plant a few herbs in the backyard today. I am hoping that they will grow.@integrityblues
Oof, yes the shoulder is being a bit stiff and hurts. I actually didn’t dare to touch my dishes today. If I have to I can bag up the dirty dishes and put them somewhere else to finish cleaning the other side of the sink and put in more effort to clean up the faucet with a baking soda paste and old toothbrush.
I’m still not sure if the inspection is going to happen on the 29th but I want to be ready just in case.
Thankfully I didn’t get too wet, just annoyed that another problem popped up as I was washing a pot to make ramen. The piece that fell off was the faucet head/aerator that screws on.
Thanks. Distracting myself from immediately running to my mom is hard. I spoke to my psych nurse aunt this morning- she’s doing better after her knee injury though it comes with lots of difficulties.
We spoke a lot about my mom and she advised me to really think about what I really want to help her with. I know she’s not going to starve so I’m more focused on making sure her bills and rent are paid.
My aunt suggested that I talk to my mom’s phone company and arrange it so I have access on my mother’s behalf to make sure everything gets paid and I won’t have to go all the way to her every time. I still want to spend time with her because after my dad died I’ve become hyperaware that she might go next.
I’m still listening to the Bridgerton audiobooks. I’m in the middle of “It’s in His Kiss” and also reading “Gerald’s Game” by Stephen King.
I’m glad that you got the chance to plant some herbs. It’s always nice to have fresh herbs on hand like mint or basil.
I am going to answer the two messages separately. I am SO sorry I missed last night. I knew it was going to be a late night but I forgot to warn you. We did a night time glow kayak trip as a family (my sister's Christmas present) It was nice watching the sunset, but I am stiff today myself.
So sorry about all of the faucet issues. I hope that someone can repair it soon. May the shoulder continue to heal slowly.
It sounds like your conversation with your aunt was a bit more helpful this time. She is right about prioritizing. If you can get it set up with her various bills that you handle stuff it would make things easier on you. You are still going to visit and be in contact. You will just have less unexpected visits and maybe you can have occasional visits where you enjoy each other's company rather than having to solve problems for her every time. @integrityblues
It’s okay. That sounds really cool.
My day was very tiring.
The Zoom call was sad. My job developer told me that she’d learned of two deaths of family or close friends yesterday, and that it was making things very difficult as today was her birthday too.
I only took a short walk outside today.
After I put it off forever I finally did most of my dishes. It took me almost two hours, and in the process I got so annoyed by the cracked aerator that I took it off so it wouldn’t fall off or spray water at me, but after all that work my clothes were wet from sink water and sweat so I took a shower and put those clothes into my little washing machine. They’re drying now and I’m hoping that I won’t have bad shoulder pain tomorrow or have to speak to anyone from the city about looking at my apartment.
The letter does say that it’s not something I have to do, that if I wanted to I’d schedule an appointment. So fingers crossed that I get to lay down and avoid it.
After all the stuff I did I mentioned to my friend that I’d like to schedule a chat for when she was free. She said yes but that she was traveling, would it be okay if we did that when she got back? Of course I said yeah. She doesn’t go out of state too often but it’s nice because she visits some friends.
It sounds like you got to be there for your job developer today. Lending her an ear is always a good thing. You are valuable because you can show that kindness.
You also had a good balance between getting less outside walking time so you could focus on the dishes. But the sink sounds annoying. I hope that the repair person comes soon. I didn't entirely understand which appointment you were referring to.
May your shoulder not pain you too much tomorrow. I am sorry your friend is away and can't chat (plus me missing a night). But I am back now so feel free to vent here if you need to do more. @integrityblues
Ah, the appointment was for an inspection by the city for apartment buildings with more than four units. It’s voluntary so I didn’t really have to do it, bur it was more like something I had to be prepared for because they could come by and ask the questions even if I didn’t follow the instructions on the letter to make an official appointment. When they knocked on my door this morning I had a chat with them through my screen door.
The nice man said that yes, the inspection was voluntary and if I didn’t want to it’s fine. That he just had to at least knock on our doors if we hadn’t made the appointments ourselves.
I assured him that my apartment was okay, just that I was getting some repairs done. He seemed okay with it and then he went on his way.
I got to close my door and lay back down because I was wiped out from all that cleaning the day before.
My shoulder is stiff after all the dishes I did yesterday, so I’m babying it. I want to be in better shape so I can see my mom on Thursday. The most I’ll do tomorrow is wash an outfit so I’m wearing something nice and clean to see my mom.
It’s okay bestVase, I don’t mind missing nights. I’m just glad that you got the chance to have some fun!
I am hoping that your day with your mom today went okay and that your shoulder is continuing to heal. You very much deserve that.
Well, I had my therapy appointment yesterday and was basically told that I wasn't doing enough to limit my time on Cups. I had said a month ago that I would and then I continued to do every night. I have been doing it for a decade and it has very much been part of my own healing, but she is right that I have so many overwhelming uncertainties in my life right now that I need to trim a bit. Thus, I am going to every other night. I apologize beforehand because I do treasure our friendship here.
Please feel free to type as much and as often as you want. I will read everything.
Of course, bestVase. You really don’t have to apologize, though I appreciate you telling me.
I want you to continue healing and treating yourself kindly.
I’ll keep typing, of course!
My visit with my mom was passable. There were many delays in travel because some geniuses stole the copper from the Metro Rail. All the buses that were detouring because of the damages were packed.
I saw my younger sister and her dog while seeing my mom. It was okay till I finished helping my mom get her rent payment done and both my sister and mother wanted cigarettes. They just kept pulling in different directions and not listening to each other. My mom forgot her purse so we had to wait a block away for her to get it. It was an agonizing walk of starting and stopping and having to take the dog’s leash because my sister didn’t care to walk him herself or pick up after him because she failed to bring any bags with her.
I finally got my mom back to her place and my sister left to go back to her shelter but it took a pack of cigarettes, a snack and drink, and ten bucks (3 of which she spent on a scratcher) before she finally caught the bus to leave.
We discussed replacing her lifeline phone she’d shattered but she’s not interested in a government phone as she calls it, so I told her about the Jitterbug from Lively. Then I had Spectrum Mobile on speaker so we could figure out how many more payments she needed to make to pay off her old phone. 16 payments of 5.50, so maybe 88 dollars. I told her she could split it in half to pay 44 this month and 44 the next if she wanted to. And depending on if she really wanted a Jitterbug smart phone she could keep the wifi she pays for through Spectrum. Or not as the case may be.
When I left she was gathering her laundry because Puppy had lain all over her bedding.
It took me forever to get home between the traffic and how packed the busses still were from the delays. I got home after 6:30.
I’m so ready for a shower. Because I’d not been eager to let my mom buy me more than a bottle of water from the 7-11 and shared a single Twix, I accepted a can of apricots from a bag of stuff from the foodbank a friend of hers left on her stoop. I told her I didn’t really want anything because she needed the money and I was getting my check tomorrow.
Went back to my mom yesterday and overdid it. It just took so very long to get everything I wanted done then make absolutely certain everything was in order for the senior phones she got for her herself and my younger sister, then ordered her a phone case on Amazon because it’s a little cheaper than what Lively was asking for. If my younger sister comes by she can get the one my mom picked for her, and maybe help her put the case on Amazon me it arrives. If not I’ll send her instructions via text about how to put it on.
I got home so late and my shoulder and arm and legs were all so worn out that when I finally got home after 9 I needed to slather on some Bengay.
I’m resting today and icing my shoulder.
Checked on my mom by calling her new phone. My younger sister may or may not have come to pick up her new phone. I’m not sure because I’d asked my mom and she changed her answer twice.
The biggest issue is my mom fell down while crossing the street last night. Missed the step while crossing the median and fell onto her back and scratched up her leg.
I told her to take her Tylenol and to make an ice pack and rest up. She still has a drs appointment to prepare for.
On the list of things I’ll remind her about is to get a new pair of drug store glasses because she smashed hers when she fell down.
I am happy to hear all your reporting of events with your mom. It sounds like you have really helped. But now is the time to step back again, okay?
It is really hard thus far going every two days with posting here, but I know that I need to care for myself. I need to set boundaries. You need to set some up too with your mom or you aren't going to get any healing going on your shoulder.
You have been there three days from what your messages say. That's good for this month. Your mom will figure things out even if she took a tumble. I absolutely understand how hard it is to switch off the worry.
Keep trying to find that space for you. And make yourself some apricot chicken and rice or something with your apricots. I'll be back on Monday night.
I’ve only been in person to see my mom on the 1st and 2nd. I really don’t want to go a third time because everything hurts.
I need to trust her to help herself or to ask someone else for help. At least with her new phone she can have an easier time doing that.
I’ve got so many things I need to take care of still and that will make it easier to keep my focus.
I’m picking up a new set of sheets and some toilet paper from Target tomorrow. I also put at least $20 on my laundry card so I’ll start with my heavy stuff like linens and blankets.
I’m going to try and focus on treating my MS fatigue without Modafinil. I never got a message back about that prescription and I’m tired of feeling so tired even while using the medicine. There’s options that involve exercise and diet, reasonable expectations on how long to do things, and rest.
You did a great job with your mom and I am happy that you are trying to move forward now.
I love the idea of some new sheets. What color did you get? It really brightens up your day with something like that. My sheets currently have actual holes so I should be getting some at some point as well.
Experimenting without the fatigue medication sounds like a good plan, especially if it isn't working well. How is the experiment going thus far?
How is your shoulder feeling? Sending lots of pain-free vibes your way.
It was very rough with my mom. I ended up having to go to her on the 4th because she’d sent a strange text froM her old phone saying that she wasn’t going to use the new one at all because it was complicated. I went with the intent to maybe help her downgrade to the Lively flip phone since it’s much easier to use.
So of course when I got there my mom told me she’d lost her debit card. That the day before my younger sister brought a “friend” to look at the copy of our grandfather’s will my mom still has because my sister and sometimes my mom get so fixated on what we might have gotten years and years ago if it had been honored but our grandmother made the choice that our mom would receive nothing at all.
I don’t care about that at all, but it scares me that my sister is bringing a stranger over to look at an old will. I’m not even sure if my mom’s debit card wasn’t taken by this guy and my sister!
After I put some Bengay on my mom’s back and gave her some Tylenol, she laid down to nap and I carefully looked around for her card just to be sure. The only thing I found were two used meth pipes- I was very surprised and sad to see them but when I showed them to her she said that they were mementos. I just couldn’t have an accusatory conversation about drugs as I was struggling to help her now, so I put them away.
I didn’t find the card, so I helped her just ask for another one to be delivered to her. She’d get it in a couple days, so at least she’s going to have access to her money.
Then I told her that later on I’d help her update the payment information on her rent portal, Lively, and Spectrum/Spectrum Mobile- the first I can do myself if she reads the information to me. The others she’s going to have to call the numbers I provide to her.
I’d stayed long enough that day to help her put her new phone in the case that was delivered. I clumsily put on the screen protector, it was hard because my fingers were so numb. At least the phone is safer now if she drops it.
She missed a drs appointment today. She got lost along the way, saw a friend who helped her get a sandwich and got her to the right bus stop to go home. She had a very long nap. That’s why she didn’t answer my texts or calls.
I made sure to get her the phone number to her drs office and the address so she’ll be able to make another appointment and give the address to her insurance when they schedule the ride to get there. She can’t ride the bus there by herself because everything looks so different and it’s confusing.
I hugged my mom so many times that day I visited. I’m so sad she hurt her back, that she’s not feeling good. Her birthday is coming up, so I brought her a cake pop from Starbucks.
I’m still moving forward. I’ve got a whole week of important stuff to do. Tomorrow I’m going to do therapy, I’ll come home and rest, and then I’ll just go to the drs appointment I made for myself. I’ll talk to the dr about my shoulder problem and the acid reflux.
On Wednesday I’ve got my job development Zoom in the late afternoon. Before that appointment I’m going to fetch the sheets and the toilet paper.
My sheets are Jersey cotton in the color teal heather. I might only be getting one pillowcase with the set so I patched the two pillowcases I have now.
I have like seven doses left but didn’t take one today.
I’ve changed when I wake up and get as close to 8 hrs of sleep as possible. I’m exercising but not to excess. I don’t have the energy for it but a little bit will be helpful. I took a nap this afternoon when I felt tired and felt pretty good when I woke up again. Eating better is the next big step. I also want to start having one cup of coffee a day that I’ll brew at home.
I also got an email and text from my pharmacy about that medicine so when I went for my walk I went to pick up my shots and asked them about it. They said it was an insurance issue and I agreed that there was a problem because I’d gotten like six letters from them saying I wasn’t going to get more than a months worth at the higher amount. That I could just pay for it or upgrade to another plan that includes the higher amount on the drug plan, but that would come at a cost most likely. I told the pharmacist that I’d been trying to get in contact with the Dr to get the dosage lowered to the amount that would be covered by my insurance but haven’t heard anything for a month and have given up due to frustration. The pharmacist said that they were still trying to come up with a solution and talk to my insurance. I said that was okay.
Then an hour or two later I got a text reminder that my modafinil was in and it was at the old amount. I ran out of time to pick it up today so I’ll get it tomorrow between my appointments.
After all the back and forth, traveling and straining myself with standing and walking and lifting, my arms feel so sore. That day I saw my mom she’d said her neighbor wanted her to take a table she’d left there during a yard sale weeks ago. I really should have said no, but when I saw the size of it I figured that it would be easy enough. It was heavier than it looked and between us we could manage it with several breaks.
When I woke up this morning I had to put Bengay on my arms to get up and take my meds. I’m going to be okay.
I’m going to get plenty of rest. You do the same!
