My 7 Cups Dream Journal

My mom finally contacted me this afternoon. She’d turned her phone off on Friday after I sent her the groceries, then forgot how to turn it on again until Sunday today.

She told me that she’s fine, then complained about a bunch of things like future tenants coming to view apartments but wearing revealing clothing. She also traced my younger sister’s stolen phone and discovered that the person who has it is a fat presumably homeless man. She doesn’t know how he got it, and the Lifeline people advised her to not confront him about it.

My mom is convinced that if she tries to cancel that account so she’s no longer paying for that person’s access she’ll lose her phone and number too. I told her I’d look everything up to see what she could do potentially to get a replacement phone, maybe upgrade back to a smart phone because she can’t text or look at her voice mail on the jitterbug. But once again, it’s going to be up to her.

I’d like to enlist my older sister or an aunt to give my mom a hand because though my shoulder is responding well to physical therapy I don’t want to accidentally overdo it with excess travel just to sort out her phone problem.

Once I was finished with my call, I texted my older sister, the friend of mom’s I’d politely asked to check in on her, and my aunts.

Then I went to get popsicles! I made sure to get my yahrzeit candle for my friend’s upcoming anniversary while I was at the store.

I’ll be ready to do some laundry tomorrow morning. Then I’ll go to bakers group to make cookies.

I’ll take a nice hot shower tonight. Get relaxed and stuff

I’ve lit my friend’s candle as the sun went down tonight. I don’t say the Mourner’s Kaddish because when I first did years ago to follow all the steps I just felt like my heart wasn’t necessarily in it for that prayer- I’m fine with lighting the candle and talking to my friend about how things are going, though. I like the idea behind the candle lighting being the light they can warm themselves by during the anniversary of their death, to know that they’re remembered.

Tomorrow I’ll text her best friend and brother to see how they were doing.

I spoke with her and said I’d hope she’s with her family, friends, and every dog she’d ever had (since she treated every one of them so well that they lived nice long lives as good dogs). I avoided politics because everything that’s happening would steam her up.

I told her how I was doing; not getting work but trying real hard, tearing my rotator cuff and eventually getting physical therapy, going to regular therapy like she’d long ago predicted I might because I could use some time on a therapist’s couch. But I mostly spoke about how unsure and sad I am without her here. She always knew what to do, she was so damned smart, and wouldn’t let anyone push her around.

When she was alive and I’d say something along those lines, she’d always shrug and say, ‘I experienced about the same amount of worry and stress and not understanding- I’m just 30 years older than you and have had time to learn it all!’

I get so frustrated with the idea. I’m 37 now, and she passed when I was almost 29. I doubt if I’ll be as good as she was at handling all sorts of trouble or being calm and levelheaded. Every time I think I’m almost there I get dragged backwards down that path.

After I was done I anxiously triple checked my furnace that I’d blown the pilot out on and turned off earlier just to be safe. I turned the gas on and off to be sure that it was completely off and I’m fighting the urge to check again. I know it’s not on, it’s not self igniting, and the thermostat is on the lowest setting.

I’m going to probably not sleep as well tonight because I have to wake up early to go to my early pt appointment. If I finish before 9 a.m. I’ll try to go to my gamer’s group. If not I’ll just go home and rest.

Before I leave tomorrow I’ll put the candle in a soup pot so it will be more stable and safe on my table. I did this last time when I was burning my dad’s candle.

My physical therapy went well. She corrected how I was doing one of two exercises then added one more, and she also gave me a new red elastic band since mine is splitting where it was originally two layers.

Thankfully I’ve got a hook in my kitchen where I can do the next exercise. It’s like a rowing exercise with the elastic band.

I wrote a bit, made a cup of coffee for my late friend, and had lunch. I got a text from my mom’s friend- he told me that my mom asked him to text since she doesn’t have a phone anymore. It’s very annoying but at least for the moment she had the foresight to say something to that friend.

My friend’s candle stayed lit till yesterday afternoon.

I had to take a break from yesterday’s pt exercises because they made me so sore.

I did them once today and they weren’t so bad.

I got lots of exercise walking to my local library to pick up some manga.

My mom called from her friends phone and confirmed that she disconnected both phones so hers doesn’t work and the stolen one she tracked to a guy across the street doesn’t work. She got to see him react the phone no longer working from her apartment window.

It’s unclear whether or not she’s getting another one.

I am so sorry that I didn't see there was another page of messages. Again I am a little blind at the moment. It sounds like you had some great conversations around the candle. They can be so healing for you. Great job with the PT!

I actually managed to go to gamers group today! It took an hour and a half because of delays, but I was able to finish the early PT appointment and get on the two buses I needed to arrive 20 minutes early!

First, the PT exercises have been reduced because I’m overdoing it with the amount of reps previously suggested last week and have been hurting: I’ve been bumped back to doing 10 reps for lateral walkouts and shoulder abductions, bumped down to just 10 reps for rowing, and need to continue stretching. She also corrected my form for rowing and taught me another stretch for the muscles in my chest that I’ve been unintentionally straining.

When I made it to the gamers group I played a round of Uno Spin, but my headache from just a yogurt for breakfast wasn’t helping me. One of the other members who got me to join the baking group said that this week they’d made red velvet cake and banana bread and we all had a little while he prepared to make hot dogs.

He also suggested I come next Monday because he wants to make something healthy, tossed out a few cookie ideas as a joke, then said he’d like to make some meatloaf. I love making a good meatloaf and I suggested that the way to make his option healthier would be to include more vegetables. Between hands of Uno Spin I explained why it’s better to roast or sauté the vegetables before getting them into the meat mixture, how to keep the meatloaf moist, and that sure you could use breadcrumbs but other grains work well too like the time I made a very hearty looking meatloaf with veggies and with dried oats.

So I drew up a list of ingredients for him before I left.

Now I’m preparing for my appointment with Sports Medicine. It’s an hour away, but I’m eager to get it over with so I can come home and lay down.

I hope that you’re doing well and getting all that rest after your surgery, bestVase!

I dreamt that I made an improvised trap for bees. I’d poked a hole through the soft foam lining at the bottom of a fine mesh box, threw it to where the bees were, and instead of attacking me and another person they began to go inside the box and couldn’t come back out.

After most of the bees were contained I bagged and sealed it in like a couple of white garbage bags, then got rid of it.

I went to my appointment for sports medicine. It was okay, just really far. The worst part was the examination and the frequent testing of my shoulder and discovering multiple trigger points all around the tear. Both the assigned doctor and the one who examined me were impressed by my flexibility and range of motion but also observed that my arms, shoulder, and back are weak. That I don’t need surgery just yet to repair the tendon because my physical therapy is helping, it’s just not at the point where I’m strengthening anything. I’ll get there, and I’ve got another appointment scheduled in 6-8 weeks so they can see how I’m progressing. I’ve made sure that it is on a Friday so I won’t miss gamer’s group.

Now I’m getting a little more typing done. I’ve got one week left and about 6,187 words to go to reach 25,000 by the 31st.

That meatloaf came out well on Monday but I hurt my shoulder doing the mixing.

I’m going to my pt appointment tomorrow morning, then afterwards I’ll take the bus to my gamer’s group. If there’s any of that meatloaf left I’ve been promised a sandwich, so that will be nice.

For now I’m going to rest and make some boxed Mac and cheese.

I saw my mom on Sunday. She’d been trying for days to set up a landline and couldn’t, so I came by and fixed it by the afternoon so I could go home early.

I’d also found out that she’d not canceled her old Lively phones or account so she was charged 107 bucks on the first that couldn’t be returned especially since they had a record of mom saying she didn’t want to disconnect the phones.

During that visit she’d also revealed that she’d been trying to get meth for the last few weeks or longer. She said she wasn’t successful but also said that what she got wasn’t real meth.

I spoke to her again this morning to check on her- she said my younger sister came by to pick up her clothes. The story is still the same; that everyone hates her that she’s in trouble and so on. According to my mom she looks better but I think my mom was more interested in getting her to bring Puppy by since it’s been a month or more.

Today my arm was so sore, but after I did my pt exercises and stretching the pain eased and I iced everything. I went to baking group and helped make oatmeal cookies with mini chocolate chips, toffee, and slivered almonds. We also baked a chocolate cake.

My arm was really hurting after the meeting but I’d made sure to not do everything- I was only adding ingredients to bowls, putting things back, and cleaning up little messes. I also helped hand roll cookie dough!

I was expecting my mom’s call so called her back to learn that she’d forgotten her PIN number again, so I told her to get a pen and write it down as I told it to her.

I’m so damned tired. I’m going to rest and relax, and then tomorrow morning I’m going to pick up the replacement outlet plate for one I broke by accident this weekend, then go and do my laundry.