My 7 Cups Dream Journal

How are things going? I have been thinking about you.

I dreamt that while I was taking a shower my younger sister had sent a pizza to my house as a way to get me to open the door. I got dressed and stuck my head out to find it wasn’t night any more, but afternoon and she was there to show me she’d moved out of the homeless apartment to a place that doesn’t exist across the street from me. It’s a nice little house but I was so nervous and anxious because I had no idea how she was paying for it.

If it wasn’t bad enough that my mom has been angry and upset and actively saying no to going to see the Dr about her most painful ailment of arthritis in her feet, she just called me to say that my younger sister and her dog came over after he was bitten on the neck by a large Husky. They’re both acting like it was very serious because they kept mentioning the blood, so I told my mom exactly what she wanted to know: how much money did she have left in her account and where is the nearest vet/clinic/urgent care?

I told her I’d find out and gave her all the information including directions and the place’s number.

Now I’m frustrated because she’s going to go out there with my sister and a hurt dog in the dark. She’s already been behaving strangely and I don’t want her to get hurt trying to help my sister and the dog, even though I feel badly for both my sister and the dog.

Yesterday was insane. We made the trip to my younger sister and I looked at the dog. The only thing that looks wrong with him is that he yelps in pain while I was petting his ears. Something hurts at the base of one but when I mentioned that he should go to the nearby vet my sister refused. We had an argument about the stupid tv she dumped at mom’s- turns out she took the antenna not the plug, so there’s no way to know if it even works. She started complaining that what, she wasn’t allowed to have nice things? I had to cut it short, said goodbye with my mom and took her home.

Me and mom stopped at McDonald’s for lunch. Then once we got home we found that there was a massive leak in the bathroom that covered her floor with water and dirt, or maybe poop. We discovered that the plumber who had been working upstairs had sent the snake into my mom’s sink pipes and broke them, then flushed the pipes with soapy water.

It was already really late, so I clocked in for an hour and some change so I’d at least get paid for the time I spent cleaning and shopping for paper towels so she had more than napkins and a gross mop to clean with.

I left not long after because it was already six. A train accident made it so I didn’t get home till after 10:30, so I’m trying to rest today so I can go and help her clean up tomorrow.

I had to take my mom to the er today for her complaint about difficulty breathing and pressure on her chest or throat.

She’s a horrible patient. Once they confirmed that she was experiencing or had experienced a mild heart attack she was just so scared that she started to agree to cooperate until they got her to a ct scan and told her the contrast contains iodine which she’s allergic to if it touches her skin…a nice Dr came to explain that there were steps to be taken to make the scan less harmful (even though the risk was low and my mom was just going on and on trying to find reasons not to do anything).

After she calmed down and agreed to stay the night to do the prep to possibly do a cardio angiogram to see if her calcified veins in her heart or neck have a blockage. I took her keys so I could come back in the morning and get one of the medicines the drs didn’t have, some diapers, and my shoulder wrap that was still in the freezer and just bring her the stuff she needed.

I got messages after I’d been on the bus and train for 30 minutes- my mom was flipping out and saying she wasn’t going to stay. Everyone was panicking and I couldn’t get my mom to answer her cell phone.

I made it clear that it was too late for me to turn back. That I was exhausted with a terrible headache and I’d not even gotten to send my damned IHSS paystub in the mail because of how long this took!

By the time I got home an hour and a half later she’d settled down to stay where she was, no more insisting that she’d get a taxi or break her own window to get back inside the house. The hospital gave her dinner and we’re moving her to a new room. I hope it was in the icu like she was supposed to because she’s on heparin and something else that messes with her blood pressure.

The only benefit was during the ride home a puppy sat next to me on the train and cuddled against my side. His name was Cowboy and he let me pet him.

My mom has continued to be the worst patient. I visited today because I had to get my stuff and deliver stuff to her, but I felt so sick from the stress that I hung out in my mom’s bathroom at home till I felt a bit better and let the pills I took kick in.

She’s continued to argue about her heart attack being a lie. I sat with her for a bit and eventually hit the cafeteria for a lunch for me and a pudding cup for my mom because she was so eager to have sugar.

I’ve been home for a while. She called to say hi and also say that she thought everyone in the icu was lying about her heart attack. I told her I knew it was real because I saw the labs and she hung up on me. She called again a few minutes ago to say she had left the hospital and was catching a cab to go home.

My voice was flat when I just accepted what was happening because I’m tired of fighting her and stressing myself out so much I’m making myself ill.

She should have just not gone with me to the hospital on Friday.

I don’t know how to feel about going back to her now that we’ve had this scare

Hi bestVase. I hope you’re doing okay and that your dizziness and vision are better. You don’t have to reply if it’s still hard to see the screen.

Today I bought my mom nicotine patches and had them delivered to her house. She’s adamant that she’s going to try and stop smoking because it’s killing her while also not really doing anything about that non Stemi heart attack.

Only just now has she said she’d consider getting the cardio angiogram done, but made it very clear that she’s was frightened and thought they were going to kill her during the procedure. I told her I’d be there with her.

The last few days have been painful because all she’s spoke about is dying or letting herself die. My appointment at therapy was full of me trying to accept that this was probably definitely going to happen.

She finally perked up after seeing my younger sister and the dog- she actually gave away the cell phone to her and has to rely on the house phone to communicate now.

I’m going to see her on Saturday to do her laundry. I’ve told her that she’s not allowed to physically exert herself and that the laundry is for me to do!

I’m so tired but I’m trying to focus on my dentist appointment tomorrow as well as a phone interview on Friday.

I am so, so sorry for having to skip a number of days. Our last week sounds equally dramatic and deeply difficult to process. I was simply too exhausted to get on to do anything in the last few days.

In between my two eye surgeries, my mom was in a serious car accident. She had an epileptic seizure while driving, hit a traffic sign, ran over a traffic circle and slammed into a tree which left the car nearly on its side. But she ended up with no broken bones or bleeding. It was some kind of miracle. But they found blood clots in her lungs and legs as they were examining her. So she ended up in ICU for two days and a regular room for another three days. She got home yesterday. She is now on blood thinners and a new epilepsy medication. They also lost both her glasses and her hearing aids so she can neither see nor hear. We live three hours away and so managing all of her stuff is quite difficult while having surgery and holding down a job. And dad is still in hospice.

I can really understand what you have been going through. I am so sorry that your mom is such a tough patient and wants to give up. That is really tough on you. But you are doing the best that you can. And it is enough. You are enough and you are loved. Sending lots of hugs.

I will do my best to be on here more often. We will visit again my parents again on Saturday.

I stayed over at my mom’s last night. I’d taken her to the er and after more tests they’d finally gave her the cardio angiogram and discovered the blockage they suspected. They treated it with a stent and she stayed overnight.

I did all her laundry this morning and once it was all done I went to see her. She was doing pretty well but was so eager to go home that she kept trying to get out of bed and get dressed.

We got her medicines and the ok to go, and then my mom wanted to take charge of the trip home and wanted to take a different route.

It was exhausting and didn’t “take three blocks” off the trip but added seven blocks of walking that wore us both out and added a good hour to the trip home.

We finally got home and my aunt arrived to show us some shirts and pants she’d like to give us. We all had a nice chat, and then she took me home so I wouldn’t have to ride the bus and train for two hours.