My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I took a big fall while going home on the train yesterday. I literally was thrown forwards off my feet when the train started moving and I tumbled down the aisle. I’d felt the joints in my toes and ankle crack and pop as I fell forwards on them, skidded on my knees and half rolled to a stop underneath the seat I’d been trying to reach on the full train…
I’m just really sore and bruised, mostly on my knees and ankles plus all the muscle pain.
Ugh. That sounds really rough. Are you able to rest up for a few days with some heat and ice? I am sure it will feel a bit more painful after all of the adrenaline wears off. Now going slow will perhaps be even more important for a few days.
I had an okay visit with the ortho guy today. He doesn't think that this is all that serious and I should be able to recover with some chiropractor help, PT, and some more medication. I am going to have to continue to experiment to get the right combination though. @integrityblues
I’m trying my best.
I’m glad that you got to see the orthopedic guy! It’s all about the combination of those three things till you feel a little better. Or at least good enough to continue to do other stuff if this is a longer healing injury
How are you doing today? I hope all your injuries are healing.
Actually your saga with your shoulder is giving me a bit of hope because I know you healed eventually. I have gone from about a 7-8 out of 10 in pain to about a 4-5. Still in pain often and can't do much but I keep trying too. We will see how the car ride to my parents' house is on Wednesday. That is kind of the true barometer. @integrityblues
The bruises are healing but my knees and ankles are still sore. My shoulder is as healed as it’s going to get, I just have to keep up with the physical therapy exercises.
I’m glad to hear that your pain has decreased! Yes, your true test is the car ride, so I hope that it isn’t too bad on Wednesday.
I’m coming home from a visit with my mom. I had to fill up her pill organizer and do the timesheet. She’d wanted to go see my younger sister but this morning she’d changed her mind. She’d had poor sleep and very bad dreams.
I did some chores for her, got her some cake, and then left after giving her a nice hug.
That sounds like a successful day. I am glad that your mom decided against a sister visit. Small things that aren't too taxing are good.
We will see tomorrow if I have come up with a better plan for the car with medications, etc. Sometimes you just have to plug away at it and keep trying. @integrityblues
It’s a shame but Tuesday I had to take her to the er after a fall from the night before was making her unable to stand. It turns out she’d got a big uti and for the elderly they cause dizziness fatigue and delusions. The er visit wasn’t fun- she left against medical advice and has a few more nurses that hate her now. I had to call a taxi since no one could or would come and give us a lift. By the time I got her to sit down with a little meal and got her the prescription antibiotics it was already after 8. I didn’t get home till 11 and basically fell asleep within 15 minutes of getting inside.
I need to go back tomorrow because her balance is so bad that she needs help bathing or at least washing her hair.
I’m so worn out. I’m going to get as much sleep as so can, wash my hair, and get to my mom so I can help her clean up then do her laundry.
I do hope that your pain is less than other car trips. Good luck!
Yes, UTIs in the elderly are pretty dangerous. It was another thing that my mom had on her last hospital stay. I hope your mom's balance is better now, she is less confused and in not so much pain. Sorry for the rough ER visit. Do keep trying to take care of yourself so you don't burn out.
We survived the trip to my parents' house but we are both pretty exhausted tonight. The pain in the car is still really bad but I am seeing some improvement when I am not in the car. Tomorrow I get to finally start PT so I can learn some exercises and how to do them properly. The memorial service is in two weeks and I am praying to be better by then.@integrityblues
I’m glad you survived the trip. Good luck at PT! I think there’s a good chance you’ll feel a little bit better after you start your exercises. Just don’t push yourself too hard.
I got to my mom today and assisted with the shower. She literally just needed me to be in the bathroom, hand her things, hold her hand while she was getting out of the shower, and dry her off. She felt a lot better after she got to wash her hair.
I bandaged her toes then went to get her diapers, and then fetch the burger she’d missed out on.
I’m still very tired so I’ll take the next couple days to get more rest. I’ll have to run my wage reporting to Social Security, but after that I’ll come right home to rest again.
I am glad that you are getting some more rest and that your mom is doing pretty well. You very much need the break. Have you been able to do any of your group stuff lately?
The PT went okay and they have started me on some light exercises. I can see minimal improvements as long as I don't get into the car. Today I made some apple butter to thank people who have been helpful for the last few months. Parts of it were okay physically and parts were a little rougher. But it is easier at home than dealing with the stress in Oviedo. @integrityblues
Excellent work at PT. Apple butter sounds nice, I hope you enjoy.
I’m still very tired but need to go help my mom tomorrow. I also have to call her morning and night to remind her to take her pills. She’s forgotten three doses of her evening antibiotics already and is still not drinking enough water.
I haven’t been to my groups since Monday. I’m going to try and go on Monday but I’m going to probably go home early.
Dreamt that I’d was picking up something to read in a library or bookstore, and when I opened the book I discovered several hundred dollar bills in the pages. At first I turned away and crumbled several in my fist to hide them, then I just closed the book and tucked it under my arm so I could leave with it and count all the money in private.
Once I got that privacy I noticed that some of the bills were Monopoly money. I’d double checked the rest and it all looked real, though as I was waking up I was wondering how I could get my hands on a money validating pen.
I’m on my way to see my mom today. This visit wasn’t planned, she just needs food and had tripped up her stoop stairs and fallen again- she swears she’s okay, just that she’s hesitant to accept a delivery if she has to go in and out to take it.
I went to a party the day before where I go to therapy and gamers group. Today I went to a job development appointment and afterwards went to see my younger sister in skid row.
She’s six months pregnant now and her belly is obvious. She said she’d gotten all her syphilis shots but no other care for the pregnancy since she refused the abortion. The dr was pressing the issue because my sister is a drug addict and smoker.
Her place looks and smells awful with an infestation of roaches that grossed me out. I’d brought her a Subway sandwich, cookies, and a soda then we took her dog for a walk after he pooped all over her bathroom floor.
It’s just depressing. So once I got home I prepared an additional load of laundry out of everything I wore today and added it to the cart. I’ll do laundry tomorrow. See my mom on Sunday, then come back the next day to take her to the pulmonologist. I’ll make sure to get her a fancy coffee once it’s over.
I’m going to see if I can get my younger sister to work with me on getting the roaches out of her house, but it’s got to be pet-safe since her dog eats or tries to eat whatever he finds on the floor. I’m thinking roach motels and some Ortho Indoor bug spray. I’d just have to get her and the dog outside to let me work and let all the surfaces I sprayed dry off.
Now I’m going to try and rest up.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it or forgot to mention it, but my recent call with my np confirmed that yes, I’m diabetic now. She got me the prescription for metformin, a glucose monitor, and plenty of lancets and test strips.
I have to test at least once a day, and I choose to do that in the morning before I take my pills, especially the metformin that I have to take with food. My first reading was 144, today’s was 157 which doesn’t surprise me since there were catered burritos and Mexican pastries at the party. I’m trying to eat better and exercise more as I’m taking the metformin. I don’t want to be on it forever, if I can. I don’t like the potential bad side effects but I’ll take it as long as I have to.
Thanks for your kind words about my mourning process. You are correct and that is what I am going to try to do - mourn at my own time and on my own terms. My back has gotten a bit worse again since I have been home, but I am hoping that it is heading in a slightly better direction.
I am so sorry about your sister. That sounds like a very rough situation. I hope that you can help with her roaches, but also make sure whatever you use is pregnancy safe as well.
I hope that your visit with your mom went smoothly and that you are adapting to the new diabetes testing. It does take lots of willpower but you can turn towards a better diet slowly but surely. Keep looking for whole grains, vegetables and fruits that you like. @integrityblues
You’re welcome. Grieving is very hard and you deserve the privacy and time to do it in your own way.
Oof, more back pain doesn’t sound great. I hope that it eases and gives you a break.
The roach killing stuff I got for her is all plant based. It should be safe for both her and the pregnancy and the dog, but I did warn her to read the instructions carefully.
My visits with my mom have been okay, but after talking about in gamers group how I’d broken my rule and fetched the cigarettes for my mom after her fall I was told I was just enabling her.
I mean, it’s true but I’ve been so scared of her getting desperate and trying to get them herself and falling again and doing more damage… I told her today that I couldn’t do it anymore- she was pretty upset and said she’d find another way and I wouldn’t have to worry. I’ll still worry of course.
Dieting is hard and excluding the things that make my blood sugars go up sucks. I’m getting better at denying myself things that are just garbage and I can now do my blood sugar readings smoothly in the mornings. I just do a one-two-three countdown before I press the button to *** my finger.
The metformin just sucks but I’m hoping the side effects calm down once I get used to eating properly.
You will worry about your mom and sister no matter what. But your mom is as likely to fall getting cigarettes as getting anything else. So if she does fall, know that you were trying to keep her healthier in general so she lives longer. That is most important.
The diabetes stuff will take a while to adapt to. If you want to throw ideas off of me at any point, please feel free. We have been eating slightly weird things of late ourselves because of all the different things that have to be used up in various refrigerators. Tonight was a leftover cornmeal and blueberry cake with some guacamole and crackers.
Tomorrow we will start traveling again for a week. I am praying that my back holds up. I have taken extra medication this evening. I have been doing tons of exercise, PT, heat, ice and massage. But I am trying not to look more than a day ahead. I am sure that you are doing the same. @integrityblues
That’s a good plan. All we can do is take things one day at a time.
I had a heck of a time getting the endoscopy done this morning because I was told that my sedation would be light the day before only to be informed this morning that they shouldn’t have said that at all. That and I didn’t schedule the right transportation and almost didn’t get it done at all. I finally had to ask my busy best friend for help getting home.
The procedure itself was very easy, didn’t really hurt, and the only thing that bothered me was the amount of burping I was doing as they still had the tube down my throat. After I sat in recovery waiting for my friend to come I proved that the sedation hadn’t left me helpless, they wheeled me down to my friend’s car and we left.
That's never fun when the test ends up more intense than anticipated. It is good that you were able to get it done. I hope that the home recovery afterwards went okay.
We have arrived safely and my back has held up pretty well so far. But definitely very tired this evening. We will see how things go tomorrow. @integrityblues
Oh yeah, I slept almost all day yesterday. I had to go to my mom this morning and I did a bunch of stuff like pill organizing, shopping, and helping her shower.
I’m so glad you arrived safely and that your back has held up. Fingers crossed that this positive pattern holds!
Overall it has been okay, but today was definitely worse because we did a lot more walking in general up steps, etc. It was also pretty hot. But overall this has all been a pretty nice reset and breathing moment. I haven't had that in a while so I am thankful.
I am glad that you got some rest before helping your mom. How is the diabetes diet going? @integrityblues
I’m glad you’ve had a bit of a reset. The diabetes diet isn’t going so well this late in the month. I don’t have anymore food stamps or money, so I’m eating whatever I can get.
I’ll have better access to good food once my checks come in.
Hopefully things are a bit better now food wise that the new month has begun. I also hope things are going okay with your mom.
Things are a bit spotty in terms of me posting because we are still away. We return home Sunday night. Sometimes the back is okay, sometimes not so much. But I keep trying to do the exercises etc. It is quite warm here, but we are surviving. @integrityblues
Hey there. It’s okay about the posting, please focus on yourself! Exercises are good, doing them will add up for sure and help with the pain. The heat sucks here too. Drink plenty of water!
Things with my mom are very difficult. She’d accidentally showed me that she had a pipe hidden in her sock drawer on Wednesday so when I went to help her clean because she’d wet the bed Thursday I’d also tried to find and destroy the pipe. She caught me and we argued. I couldn’t find the pipe any way.
Earlier that day I made sure to clean up, wash her bedding, got her antibiotics and diapers, and food.
I’m going to spend the night on Sunday so I can monitor her and make sure she continues to fast for a blood draw on Monday morning. I’ll bring her some snacks so she can eat afterwards and get her a fancy coffee. If I have time I’ll go homewards and hit the gamers group. If not, I’ll just go home.
I’ll also go and see my sister on Skid Row on Tuesday. She needs help with bugs, so I’m going to see if I can talk to management with her so they can do a real treatment for cockroaches since the infestation is so bad.
That and I’ll take her and the dog to lunch.
I hope that your mom's blood draw went well and you have a visit with some progress towards making your sister more comfortable. You do so much for everyone. Be sure you are taking time for yourself.
I am back home again and the pain is back too. I think a combination of distractions and lidocaine patches helped while I was away. But it was good to breathe a bit. I am hoping that will carry me through a bit into the next few weeks of cleaning out my parents' house and preparing for my dad's eventual death. He is down to just drinking cranberry juice now. But they are taking good care of him and he is still able to say hello. We go again on Thursday. @integrityblues
It went okay. The blood test went very well because she’d drank plenty of water and fasted. I got her a fancy coffee as a nice reward.
She did drugs before I got there yesterday and I was thrown by the news.
I made the mistake of telling my older sister about the drugs and she proceeded to tell me that I needed to report her immediately. I didn’t like how firmly she was insisting that I’d regret not taking care of it- that I’d be at fault if something happened.
Now I’m not going to tell my older sister anything, good or bad, because I’m tired of her trying to force me to do things that are not part of my job as an IHSS caregiver. She literally just tries to make me do the things she won’t do herself. She also didn’t seem to care that starting that process could lead to my mom losing her Section 8 or IHSS benefits- I can’t save my mom from homelessness and my sister would never bother.
It’s just been a crummy day. I had to have a talk with my psych nurse aunt who has experience with drug abusers and what qualifies as a true relapse (I’d used the wrong word in my text…) or a hiccup. Then I talked with my best friend because the whole situation was triggering. I just hate having to not reveal how angry someone has made me. I don’t want to make the fight worse but I also just can’t handle the intensity of my own seething before I try to turn it against myself.
I am so sorry for the crummy day. You certainly didn't deserve it. Your mom's issue is indeed a stressful one that is not your fault. Your sister was angry and could not understand.
You are right to be angry yourself about everything but you also recognize how that anger turns inwards. It does the same with me. The key is to not let things fester and build inside you. It isn't good physically or mentally.
You also had one good thing in there to recognize - you got your mom's bloodwork done. That's important.
I hope that you have found more peace today. @integrityblues
Sending more peace and a hug. @integrityblues
Thanks. I’ve just been busy and tired.
I’ve been surprised by a pest inspection that is on the same day as my mom’s next dr appointment- I’m going to just let management open the door for them while I’m gone and hope that they don’t leave the door open too long and let in flies or other bugs.
I have to clean up before they get here, go to my mom for the appointment, and sit with her so the dr can explain that she’s finally crossed from prediabetes to diabetes, but I need the dr to explain how it’s going to be handled so I can figure out how to help her.
My sports medicine appointment was okay. I was warned that if I didn’t do my stretching and progress to heat therapy they might have to dry needle the too tense muscle on my shoulder. My range of motion and strength are good, so I’m hopeful that I can avoid that procedure. I just don’t like needles.
I hope that things are going okay with you and your back pain. Don’t be like me and stop the exercises, it’ll just make the healing process harder.
That sounds like lots of little things to handle.
I hope that the diabetes discussion goes well. Maybe you will even learn some tips for yourself. The two of you can support one another in finding new things to eat. I made some cold beet soup for dinner tonight. It took a little while and we had to be very careful not to stain anything while making or eating it, but it was quite refreshing for a hot summer day.
I spending about an hour on non therapy days doing exercises, icing it and using a TENS unit. It is healing very slowly. Tomorrow is an assessment day so we will see. They finally agreed to do an MRI next week. I can drive just a bit again. But we are back to cleaning my parents' place again which is quite strenuous on so many levels.
Good luck on the cleaning and physical therapy!
Sending you some strength and peace. I hope that you have had a relaxing day. @integrityblues
Thanks, strength and peace back. It was way too hot today and I’m very worn out. I’m going to quickly vacuum then do some dishes and finish cleaning up my flat surfaces. I can’t make it perfect for the pest inspection, so I’m just going to let it go and go to bed once my hair is finished drying from a well deserved shower.
It has indeed been quite hot lately. We are just starting to get a bit of rain which helps a bit. @integrityblues
That’s good!
It took all day but I got my mom her hip x-ray. She’d taken the fall on Wednesday, same day as her dr appointment so at least she cared to check if my mom had fractured anything. We got the results this afternoon. She’s fine, just sore.
I made sure I’d have this weekend off so I can regain some of my strength.
I hope that your weekend of rest went as planned. You very much needed it because you have been working so hard.
I spent most of the weekend continuing to work on the house. This time it was with a few friends so it went a little quickly (at points it felt a little too fast). We are bringing tons of stuff home and then have to find a place to put it all. Dad continues to weaken which is really tough to watch. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to watch things not get better with a parent…
I’m glad to hear that you’re making more progress on the house.
I didn’t really have a weekend of rest since I ended up going back to my mom’s to rescue my phone charger and do more chores on Saturday. So it was a day of rest on Sunday and then me slowly doing stuff today.
I’m trying to avoid going out and getting sweets that will only raise my blood sugars. I’ve decided that I’d be better off with a cup of cherry Greek yogurt and maybe some peanut butter.
I also had to do an online delivery for my mom a couple of hours ago since she goes through her frozen meals so quickly. When I see her on Wednesday to do laundry and shop I’ll also see if I can put together some foods for her that are really easy, like some chicken salad so she at least gets some decent protein.
On a little late tonight, I apologize. We went to go see The Odyssey which was good but killed by back.
It sounds like you are trying to take it a little easier and trying to eat better. Both of those are good. I like the idea of the cherry greek yogurt as a snack. There are lots of healthier things that you will enjoy. You just have to keep locating them. How do you feel about real cherries or dried cherries? If you like the yogurt you might like them in other forms. I made some healthier lemon bars today. They were a little dry but they were still good.
You are doing great. Just keep it up. @integrityblues
It’s okay.
I actually got some diced watermelon and a bag of cherries today. I made sure all of it was nice and cold and it was a very good treat. I had too many cherries and will halve and remove the pits on more so I can put some in a Tupperware and freeze them for easy frozen treats.
I’m just really tired and it’s still so hot out. It’s amazing that I sleep at all. I need to make sure I rest a little more so I can get some cleaning done tomorrow to prepare for a rescheduled pest inspection during the week. Also taking my mom to her test
Considering that I am writing this as I lose at least two hours of sleep last night, I am totally sympathetic on the not sleeping thing. I am only a few days into this latest bout with insomnia, but I am sure that it will hit me hard soon.
You do so much for your mom and naturally your days are very filled with that stress at this moment. Keep trying to find that time for you. I know how hard you work at it.
My life took another shocking, nasty turn two days ago. I had an MRI on the back because it has been slow to heal. Unluckily they found an unknown mass at the base of my spine. They think it is benign, but I need more testing this coming week to be sure. But I am pretty terrified. Mom had what they thought was an unimportant small lesion on her spine in early March that they found randomly after her car accident. She was dead of spinal cancer a month and a half later. @integrityblues
Im sorry about there’s a mass. It’s good that they caught it.
Please pet your cats and get a nice hug from your husband.
I’ve just been laying in bed all day because when I spoke to my mom she said she wasn’t going to let the new person become her second provider because the woman’s daughter hid the phone my mom was trying to call, and I guess once the lady got her phone back she assumed my mom’s calls were just scammers. I’m drained and I’m don’t bothering to do my laundry like I said. I’m going to clean myself up just enough so I can get Chinese food. I need to mentally prepare for my visit with mom tomorrow.
Taking a day off when you are drained is excellent. You cannot fight your mom every day and need your strength.
We spent the weekend at my parents' house cleaning again. It was exhausting but it kept me from thinking about everything else. Waiting for the MRI is going to be tough. It will happen Tuesday. @integrityblues
You’re right. It’s so hard to really rest though since it’s so hot.
Activity is always good to keep your mind off unpleasantness. If you like audiobooks or music you could also listen to those to pass the time while you’re waiting for Tuesday.
Mom’s ultrasound went well. I read the results and she’s got at least one non-obstructive kidney stone that the nephrologist will likely discuss in September during her appointment.
I had to pay for the cab ride there because her card wasn’t accepted. She paid me back after we got home and I hit the 7-11 to use the ATM, got her a hot dog, then picked up her promised fancy coffee. It was a Venti iced vanilla latte with whipped cream on top.
Once I was home and talking to her over the phone I broached the subject about the other provider. Mom got mad and we had to end the call only for her to call me back ten minutes later to say she was called by the lady and broke the news about not picking her.
The lady said it was okay and my mom suggested to me that she’d wait a few weeks and see if the lady still wanted the job and if she’d changed her own mind by then. So dumb.
I’ll see mom again on Wednesday to do some chores and help her get a good shower.
Hopefully your mom will accept the help that she needs. It sounds like she might be leaning in a good direction.
I made it through the appointment today. Now I just have to wait on the results. They know how badly I want to know them if they are bad. But if they are okay, I will have an appointment on Monday. I should be able to make that work okay. @integrityblues
I’m glad you made it through that MRI. I know Monday is a bit far, so just make sure you focus on other things too to take the pressure off and reduce the worry.
Yesterday my mom actually called the other provider she’d previously denied and they had a good conversation about expectations. She’ll start in two weeks- I got in contact with her to ask for her provider number so I could hire her on my mother’s behalf. It’s all done, I’m just waiting for it to be official.
I ended up seeing my mom today because the day before she’d eaten all her frozen food and wasn’t going to touch the oatmeal or cream of wheat. I first confirmed that she’d still had food stamps then told her I’d just come by pretty early to do some shopping for her for more shelf stable stuff like canned soups and microwaveable cups of Mac and cheese. Also hot dogs, pudding, Kix cereal, eggs, and ice cream!
I made sure to give her a big hug and told her I’d be back either on Friday or Saturday since I’m still pretty tired. I’ll be able to fill up her pill case, maybe get some pharmacy refills too. And if she’s eaten everything I can get her more food too.
I left in enough time to make it all the way back to my area and go to gamer’s group. We played trivia!
It sounds like you are starting to do some partial day visits which are good. You deserve to get to your gamer's group. Trivia sounds like fun.
How has your own switching dieting been going?
I am back to my parents in the morning. This time it will be a few days with my sister. We don't get along and my back has been seriously bothering me lately so I am hoping that I don't get too cranky. We will see.
@integrityblues
You’ve got this bestVase! Breathing exercises and finding small ways to navigate away from a stupid argument will be helpful. If you have a method for the back pain, totally have it ready. Ice, heat, pain relieving medicines or creams!
I really am trying to get to do more of my own things in addition to helping my mom. It was so hot and I felt so horrible upon waking that I didn’t bother to go to gamer’s group and did my job development meeting on the phone.
The day before I took the effort to actually make dinner. I’d defrosted some thin chicken breasts I’d cooked awhile ago, cut them up, and added them to a pot of penne pasta with marinara sauce. It wasn’t 100% healthy but was much better than the fast food I’ve been eating. I had plenty for dinner then had left overs for breakfast.
I’m preparing to see my mom tomorrow. I’ll help her take a shower, go shopping for more food, get her pharmacy refills, and then do a couple chores. I will be so tired so I’m going to try and leave well before noon. It’s going to be too hot for me to come all the way home at the height that heat, so I’ll try really hard to get everything done more quickly.
Surviving the visit thus far. I only have to make it through mid day tomorrow. She has trouble going methodically through anything so keeps missing stuff, but she does have an equally grating habit of repeating anything that really bothers her over and over again every 15 minutes. Today it was a possible ding in her rental car hood that wasn't there when she went into the store but was there when she went out 15 minutes later. But I kept my calm.
I did manage to trip this morning when I was trying to go walking with her. So now my knees are banged up in addition to my back. But perhaps hurting all over is better than focusing on the back. We will see how everything is in the morning when I attempt to drive back home.
I hope the heat is a little better now and you are able to get some more done. It has been a warm summer. I think the chicken breasts with pasta and marinara sounds solid. Aim for good, not perfect. It's always better than bad. I had some garlic pasta roni with a bag of frozen peas and some chopped pecans. Again, not perfect, but okay. I hope all with your mom goes well. @integrityblues
You can do it! It’s probably best not to engage with her over the repetitive complaints about the mysterious ding on the rental. She likely just wants attention, but do it on your terms rather than hers. Ignore the repeated complaints and maybe listen to something with your headphones or earbuds so you can stay on task.
I’m sorry about the tripping! That sucks so much when you’re already trying to heal another injury. I’d say try using some ice to dull the pains of your back and knees so you’re ready for the ride homewards. Make sure you’ve got your medications ready!
The heat sucks so much. I didn’t leave the house till the early evening. Well, I’d also been sleeping through the day as well since I was so damned tired from this week. I didn’t get to do laundry.
The second provider texted to say she thought she might be coming down with something and that she was taking a test to make sure it wasn’t COVID, so she was avoiding coming to see my mom to take her to the store to get cigarettes. No need to expose her to it, and I agreed heartily.
I’ll do it this time because she’s going to be a nightmare to handle without her cigarettes. I’ll get her laundry done tomorrow too, then race home to try and avoid the high temps.
Back home now. It continues to be a long week. The knees and back are pretty bad but I can hobble around somewhat. Still working out exactly what is wrong with the back and now the spinal surgeon wants me to see a neurosurgeon. It was quite a blow, but there isn't a lot of choice in the matter. They were supposed to contact me but didn't so I will call them in the morning.
Dad is starting to become completely non-responsive so I don't think he has too much longer to live. This fact is deeply upsetting to my sister who had to fly home today knowing that she won't see the house or probably dad again. She also wanted me there today and I wasn't which made her upset. But I really don't want to watch him die. It has been too long a journey.
I hope that you were able to get to see your mom okay and that the heat was a little better. We have been getting just a little rain which has cooled things down. Had a really healthy dinner tonight of roasted broccoli and chickpeas. My husband kept asking what I was making him eat and insisted on a little ice cream afterwards.
I’m so sorry. Just focus on you- what your sister wants isn’t in your control and she doesn’t have the right to demand you stand witness as your father looks to be passing.
You’ve got enough on your plate between your dad and your back. I’m glad you had something healthy! A little ice cream doesn’t hurt, especially if it’s served with berries!
I’d done a lot of chores on Sunday for my mom, then accidentally left her debit card in my wallet. I’m seeing her tomorrow like we’d planned so I can finish more chores and hang out with her. I’d like to get her on her walker with a seat so she can get some fresh air and maybe a coffee.
I’m trying to get her to be more active since it’s been several weeks since her last fall. The first was over a month ago I think…so it’s time for some activity.
I agree. Activity is really good after a fall so you don't lose too much strength. I have really tried to continue with my own exercises at home despite the fact that my knees are giant scabs. It is quite painful but I really don't want to lose any progress on my back. I think that I can finally restart PT on Friday.
Dad continues to be with us but we will see how long he holds out. My sister keeps thinking of it as a miracle when he drinks juice, but I think of it as more of a drawn out death sentence that is harder on him. But I can't convince her otherwise so I won't try.
You are doing good work with your mom. We continue to try to eat a little healthier when we are here. Tonight were some leftover chicken legs that I cooked up last week with a mixture of thin cut beets and carrots. I think my husband is tiring of the beets. I bought a few too many of them, but I know that they are healthy.@integrityblues
It sounds like your father’s situation will continue to be slow. I’m sorry about how you have to deal with your sister not accepting things as they are.
Good luck with the PT!
Your use of leftovers and cooking good food in spite of all your stress is excellent. I’ve never really had a beet- are they tasty?
My mom is very excited because when I come over on Friday I’ll bring her a vanilla milkshake. She’s been talking about it for a few days. I’ll get one for her and then fill up her pill organizer.
I went there on Tuesday and cleaned her microwave. Then I left so I could visit my younger sister on skid row, and help her with some lunch, got her money order for rent, and as always, admired her dog. He was very cute and silly.
I’m going to try and help her with laundry. Her homeless apartment has washers and dryers but they’re operated with an app, so I got the app so when I see her I can add a small amount of money and get a few loads done with her.
You are so kind and good with your family members. You are really going out of your way for both your mom and your sister and making them happy. I very much admire all that you do for them.
No change on the dad front. PT went okay today but I had to take a bunch of medication last night to make it through. We will see how the weekend goes. We will be back to visit on Sunday and Monday.
Beets are pretty cheap and taste sweeter than most other vegetables. But it is a fairly strong flavor. I like them. There biggest challenge is that they are really bright pink inside and can easily stain clothing or dishes. But they are great roasted with some other veggies with a little olive oil and salt/pepper or you can (believe it or not) make them into a cold soup that is good - borscht. It is really refreshing with all this heat and is easy to make. @integrityblues
I’m glad PT went okay, but oh yes the pain meds ar eso necessary!
Maybe I should try adding beets to the rotation!
I always have a sneaky mean thought about how I could somehow do more or be better. The reality is that I should tack on “- for yourself” so it’s less about me somehow failing and more about reminding me to take care of myself too.
Today was very hard for me considering it’s the end of the week and my mom just wants more company in addition to help. The second provider came by and drove her to the thrift store while still sick, and now my mom has come down with something. I had to get her ginger ale and crackers, Pepto and soup.
Everything took forever and I still had to get diapers and fill the pill organizer before I left for my younger sister’s.
It was awful at my younger sisters because I couldn’t make myself sit on any surface or touch anything aside from the dog (he was lovely and kept nosing at my hands and requesting love). I kept sanitizing my hands because I couldn’t stop thinking of her toe fungus and how likely it was to be everywhere.
I added money to the app on my phone since hers wasn’t working but it was so late that we had to push laundry to Monday. The thing that bothers me is that she has bags of laundry datiy back to September when she first moved in, not to mention that almost none of it will fit her pregnant body.
She’d gotten an ultrasound yesterday and showed it to me. My sister expressed that she wanted the baby to be a boy and look like our dad. I told her that there was a chance but to realize that it might not happen.
It was stressful but I got her to sort of agree to try and see our mom with the dog on Monday.
Yes, setting aside time for yourself is always hard. But it is that whole "put on your own mask first" thing. You can't help your mom and your sister if you are helping you. I hope that they both are doing okay as you meet on Monday. I can understand being overwhelmed by all the germs at both houses.
It is emotional for me too being back at my parents. My son took out the furniture that he wanted today in a U-Haul. I saw my dad and sang to him but he wasn't really responsive. We will pack up more stuff and do more errands tomorrow. @integrityblues
I woke up with a big tension headache and had to cancel on my mom today. I mentioned that I’d overextended myself during the high temps helping my sister on Skid Row a couple days ago and my mom started spiraling and making a big deal about the second provider not being ready to help yet and getting her sick.
I had to stop her and remind that no, she’s likely got thrush and that we’re going to see the dr about it on Friday since we’d originally thought it was a cold from last Friday to Sunday but it was getting worse and her mouth was hurting so much.
I finally got her to stop panicking and said I’d be available over the phone, that it was better I rest now so I was ready for my job development tomorrow and her drs appointment on Friday.
My job developer messaged me to discuss switching our appointment to over the phone because she’s caught COVID.
Now, I had a dream a couple of nights ago!
I dreamt that I was talking with someone I’m not friends with anymore, that she’d gotten a great job and was doing well. She’d finally decided to pay me back with interest for money she never paid me back for in real life. She counted out hundreds and hundreds of dollars in crisp new bills, but the second it was in my hand it changed from money to phony looking checks she’d not even signed.
I thought that I had posted a few nights ago, but obviously I did not. I apologize. It has been a super exhausting week.
I am glad that you put your foot down and canceled on your mom. You do need to rest and recoup. Time for you is so precious. Your mother will be okay without you on occasion and you need to keep working with the job developer.
Hopefully your dream is a sign that you will get your money back in real life. Wouldn't that be nice?
I saw my dad for the final time in person on Monday. Hospice is now coming daily and he doesn't really communicate except occasionally. On Monday he was able to mouth that he loved me and would miss me. It was all a bit surprising and overwhelming.
I have now just finished my 3 day 9-5 start of semester workshop and start teaching tomorrow. It is pretty exhausting.
My medical news is also not as definitive as I wanted and continues to be pretty scary. They have found several small tumors on my spinal nerves. They think they are benign so I am going to have to wait 3 months before they run the MRI again. The only other option is spinal surgery which I don't want unless necessary. But the waiting is going to be hard especially since Mom had a spot on her spine that they thought was nothing and then she died a month and a half later.
@integrityblues
I’m so sorry bestVase, this all has to be so upsetting. It means a lot that you were able to see your dad one more time. Please get extra hugs and pet your cats.
The benign tumors on the spine don’t sound great, especially if you’ve got to wait months and months for more imaging and definitive answers especially considering the history you’ve got with tumors (benign or otherwise) in your family. If you’ve got to, amend your family history with the drs to include your mother’s spinal tumor and stress the fact that this is extremely unsettling, but not unsettling enough for a major spinal surgery. Like, what about a biopsy? I know those aren’t fun but better than something more invasive.
I’m glad that you’ve gotten through your workshop and will begin teaching again. It will be good to get back into the routine.
My mom is being as prickly and agitated as ever. I can’t fight her about the damn dr visit anymore. If she wants a long and drawn out bout of oral thrush for months she can do it. I’ll give her popsicles, yogurt with live cultures, and all the baking soda/salt water gargles she can ask for. I’ll get her brand new toothbrushes so she has some to spare as she risks reinfecting herself.
I can’t put her in a headlock and force her to go to the dr. That and I think her dr needs to see her in person to diagnose and examine before giving antibiotics.
I’m so glad I’m not talking to my older sister about it because she’d probably say she told me so, then mention drugs again.
I am so sorry that your mom has such a fear of doctors. My mom hated them too. Just one bad experience and then getting them to go back becomes such a challenge. You are doing the right thing in stepping back and letting your mom make the wrong choice. Based on past experience, I think she eventually usually makes a better one. I hope that will happen this time.
I am just going to wait now on my back issues. I had to wait 5 months last year for a no cancer diagnosis and I have too much else on my plate anyway. It will just sit at the back of my brain to think about. When I told the physical therapist yesterday she said the doctor I had was a good one. So I am going to trust his judgement and wait.
But it definitely seems like all I do is wait. Around 9 am yesterday morning I got word that they expected my father to pass in the next 24 hours. Well he is still here and we will see how tonight goes. But it made the start of the semester last night and this morning really tough because I kept having to turn my phone off while teaching. I am also in charge of calling everyone else. But now I don't have to teach until Monday so my window for dealing with things is a little more open. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry. The situation with your dad sounds so heartbreaking. Please get more hugs.
When I spoke to mom yesterday to say what the plan was she sort of started to bend. By the end of my visit I’d scheduled her a new appointment and made it clear that though I’m sympathizing and know she’s scared we need to get it done because it makes no sense to let an infection go on like that just to feel pain and misery.
I told her that I’m really busy and can’t have her back out again next week. That she has to go, no fooling around or fussing.
I’m so very tired today because I went back today to make sure her laundry is done and her pill organizer is full. I’d accidentally fell while there yesterday and though the worst I’ve got is a bruise on my arm and some swelling I’m still pretty tired from everything else and the heat outside.
I’m going to rest tomorrow, do a very small load of laundry in my Twin Spin so I have stuff to change into, and do more laundry Monday morning before Gamer’s Group.
I have to go back to Mom on Wednesday for a shower and fetching prescription refill, then go back on Thursday for that appointment. I’ll make sure to get her a fancy coffee afterwards as a reward for good behavior.
It sounds like you have gotten your mom on a good track and you are finding a spot for you to rest.
Well, my father passed away this morning peacefully. It has been a very hard day emotionally but I knew it was coming. We had said our goodbyes and I love yous.
But adding in the heaviest, roughest week of my academic year into the mix of things that all have to be handled makes it all much more difficult. I teach at the moment for 3 hours straight every day and have to even do appointments with students on the weekend. When I took a 5 minute break for the class at the end of hour 1, I looked at my phone to find out Dad had passed. I then texted the dean to teach for me for 15 minutes so I could call hospice and my sister. And then I had to go back to teaching. It felt like turning on and off an emotional spigot very fast. And that it is how it has felt all day - handle school work, handle the start of paperwork for Dad, handle all the phone calls and notifications. It is like no time for crying or even thinking. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry. I hope you get some rest to prepare for the next steps while also teaching.
Your father is finally at peace, and it was so good you did get a chance to say goodbye to him before the end.
Thank you. Everyone keeps urging me to rest and go slow. Figuring out how to actually do that is hard. @integrityblues
That’s so true. Just go at the pace you’re comfortable with
I keep trying. It is still quite a rollercoaster. I hope that things are good with you. @integrityblues
It’s been hard. My mom is being difficult all the time now.
I am so sorry to hear. I know what that feels like. Are you able to take a day or two off from her? Remember that you don't have to be perfect. You deserve time for you. @integrityblues
I’ve been trying.
Sending peace and hugs. @integrityblues
Thanks. Sorry I didn’t reply yesterday. It was a very long hot day. I tried to go over and help my sister but she wouldn’t answer the phone or my texts and it was way too hot.
I ended up going to my mom’s instead and helped her shower, took out the trash, went shopping, and had dinner with her. I was there till 6 so I didn’t get home till 9.
I’m going to go to baking group today.
I am glad that you got to go to the baking group. Do stay out of the heat when you can and focus on the people who are easiest to help. @integrityblues
@integrityblues graet
I dreamt that someone filled my mailbox with pizza and chicken breasts, but there was also a note written on the back of an envelope stuffed in the mailbox saying Don’t eat this!
I went back into my apartment and hours later heard something big crash into my stoop! Then someone knocked on the door. I did and there was a truck stuck on my three steps. A woman stuck her head out the window and informed me of a delivery.
She got out and tried to give me several pizzas and boxes of sides and desserts. When I told her I didn’t order it she said that some guy down the street did and already paid over $200 for it but wasn’t home to accept it.
I woke up after that, I don’t recall if I accepted the food.
I also woke up with a big tension headache or migraine and had to call my mom to say I wouldn’t be over. I also texted the second caregiver to explain my problem and ask if she could check in on my mom today since I couldn’t do more than call mom and remind her about when to take her lozenges.
Sorry for the migraine. Those are always rough. What an interesting food dream about ordering or not ordering things. I bet that your mom did okay without you.
Surviving the final cleaning so far, but we will see how tomorrow goes.@integrityblues
Thanks. It’s much smaller now, but I’m taking it easy and keeping hydrated. The food dreams are ridiculous!
My mom did okay without me. I asked the second provider to check in on her that day, then she came by for an hour today. She’s also taking Monday and Tuesday, so I now have a chance to have fun on Monday or Tuesday at gamers group!
I’m doing a small load of laundry so some essentials are ready for my visit to my mom tomorrow, plus some nice clean sheets for my futon.
It’s been so hot and miserable.
I’m glad that you’re surviving the cleaning. Good luck for us both for tomorrow
Sorry that it has been a few days since I responded. It has been a really rough week thus far. I knew parts of it would be hard, but the unexpected twists have been really depressing. I will talk to my therapist tomorrow but I am tired of feeling like the world will never seem remotely right ever again. Today the physical therapist decided to cancel my appointments because things got worse again with dad's death and after one rougher session last week they said I wasn't making enough progress to continue. @integrityblues
That’s a real shame. How do they expect you to get any better if you don’t continue pt? I’d suggest speaking with the dr who referred you to pt and get their opinions about what else to do.
I had a feeling that the cleaning was in depth and stressful, so it’s okay that it’s been several days.
I’m not doing great either with several set backs snowballing. I’m going to make a pot of pasta that I’ve held back on for two hours while I waited for a call with my aunt.
I am supposed to try a steroid injection next. At first they scheduled it and then called me back to unschedule it because they want to do an assessment first. That means that I am going to be a "special" case. Probably a lot more painful and dangerous to do. We will see. The pain is definitely growing again. But I keep doing the exercises religiously. At least I got to be at home today for the first time in 3 weeks. Lots of grading to do before the new semester begins on Monday.
I hope things have been a bit better for you the last few days. We both deserve a break. @integrityblues
A steroid shot sounds like a good next step. It’s what I had to do while waiting for a nursing strike to be over so I could actually begin the pt.
I hope your shot isn’t as painful, but I won’t lie mine definitely hurt but it he relief was worth it. I’m so glad you’re still doing your exercises, you kick those exercises metaphorical butts!
Today was a long day. I had to go to my mom and help figure out how her management company charged her twice for rent. The first was wrong but they took the money and swore they didn’t (it was an old autopay from RentCafe they hadn’t disabled yet) and the second was me paying the rent when she got her second check to make sure she wasn’t dinged with fees and it was actually listed as paid on the new management system.
I also called her dr to get an accurate prescription for one med that the dr had instructed me to double without rewriting the script. It should be done today or maybe Tuesday because of the holiday.
Helped my mom take a nice shower, took out the trash, and filled up her pill organizer so I could take the weekend off and do chores or rest.
We do both deserve a break. You’ve been working really hard, bestVase!
All of that paperwork is never fun. I hope that you were able to get the money back okay and the prescriptions settled. You definitely deserve a day or two of not worrying too much about your mom.
I am probably half ready for the semester that starts tomorrow (yes, we start our semester on Labor Day of all things), but it was good to have a few days where I was actually home most of the day. We will see how my back handles working 12 hours straight tomorrow. If need be I will try to stretch things out on the floor of my office. @integrityblues
Oof, good luck on the semester. Stretching on the floor sounds like a good idea. Along with heat or ice therapy and whichever pain reliever works best.
Well my back is still not great, but surviving. Which is good because I found out today that getting the injection isn't a good idea with all of my back issues. I am not just dealing with a herniated disk but also what appears to be a benign tumor on my spinal nerve. I have known for about a month now but it has been difficult to write about. Unluckily they can't do a biopsy because it would involve spinal surgery that would permanently alter my spine. So I have to wait until November to have another MRI. But now I can't have the injection because if there was cancer there the steroids would worsen it quickly. So I am going to try a new medication instead. We will see how that goes.@integrityblues
I’m so sorry. I hope the new medication makes this long wait easier for you.
I had to climb three flights of stairs to get to my gamers group. The elevators weren’t working.
I’m just annoyed now because I’m sore and tired and now have a sore eye because some dust flew into it and made my eyelashes scrape it. I’ve tried rinsing it out but it’s temporary relief. I’ll put together a cold compress and keep my eye closed
Sorry for the sore and tired. I hope that you are better today and that your eye isn't as irritated.
The new medication seems to be working a bit but I am trying to decide if it is making me too sleepy. But a little less pain will be helpful as we travel back and forth to my parents' old place to start handling some of the legal details tomorrow. That will be probably about 6 hours in a car. @integrityblues
I’m glad that it’s taking a little of the pain away. Perhaps you can plan short naps when you notice the medicine has begun to make you sleepy? It also depends on how many times you have to take it, too.
Good luck with the traveling and legal stuff.
My eye was much better the next day, just bloodshot. It was very hot and I burned myself out that day.
My mom has once again decided to try and fire the second caregiver because her always kids got sick and the woman doesn’t stay as long as I do. It’s really irritating and I’m just going to burn out again.
Remind your mom that her other caregiver has a life too. We all should be as gentle as we can with one another. I can understand how burnt out you feel.
The trip yesterday was very long and difficult for my back. But today has been a bit better overall in terms of pain. I keep trying to look for small wins.
I hope that you are looking for small wins too. Did you find any today?@integrityblues
I’ve tried to gently tell her that she should give the other caregiver a chance, that she has a life and responsibilities too but my mom isn’t budging. I’m giving it till the end of this pay period to change her mind since the only thing she’s offered me is that I’m free to quit if I don’t like it…getting her to understand is like pulling teeth.
I ran around forever yesterday just to make sure I got the check from her management company since they flubbed the change between the two operating systems and didn’t disable the autopay, got her lunch, and tried really hard to get her to come to the nearest check cashing place so she’ll have access to her money. It would have been so much easier if she had her own bank account but there was no way to get a deposit onto her card since it’s just for social security.
I told her I’d be back on Monday to help her get that done.
My small win today was getting outside for a little bit and saying hi to the dogs and cats. Also washing a small load of laundry so I’ll have some clean sheets.
I think we both just have to focus on those small wins as much as possible. The rest of life is too chaotic right now. My pain has returned big time and it is pretty scary. The bank is also going to force us into probate court over Dad's death.
But focus on the wins - hearing an interesting bird call this morning as I got into the car and briefly seeing two of my sons from a distance. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry that your pain is getting worse. Banks suck, but I hope you can get through it easily.
I woke up so tired and in pain so I got to mom very late. I still got her to the nearest check cashing place and it all went smoothly. I got her home again for a shower, ordered groceries, and went home I get us dinner.
Now I’m going home
The pain comes and goes in waves. Yesterday was okay, today not so much. We have found a lawyer but now I just need to find all of the paperwork that he wants. I will start hunting tomorrow.
Today was a long day of listening to lectures. I hope that your mom was easier on you the last few days.
My wins for the day are going to be listening to the lectures because I learned a lot and managing to squeeze in a brief visit to a friend's pool for my back.@integrityblues
Pain in waves isn’t great at all, but I’m glad you got to listen to lectures.
Excellent, pools are lovely!
Today wasn’t great. I got my Covid and flu shots the day before and I’m feeling it now. I went shopping for mom and got her so much food!
Yesterday I had a talk with my best friend about all the stress I’ve been under between my mom and younger sister. I’ve decided to step away from my younger sister, and the first step involved a chat with my mom today and a text to my sister asking her to pay her own rent. If she asks why, I’ll elaborate about not wanting to helicopter over her with money for a money order to make sure she actually gets it done. It’s not going to be my fault if she doesn’t pay her rent.
I’m not abandoning her. She still has my number and can contact me with news. I’m just terrified of having the responsibility of her baby thrust upon me or my mother.
That sounds like a good plan. Your sister needs to figure out herself. But it will take lots of standing up for your boundaries.
Yesterday was a rough one for me with PT refusing to see me again and me imagining my pain at this level for the rest of my life, but I am hoping the weekend will be smoother. I got to see my oldest son briefly this evening and walk around the lake near our house so that was my win for the day.@integrityblues
@integrityblues Dreams about leaving items behind and discovering neglected pets can feel deeply heavy and sorrowful. It seems your mind is working through the major transition of relocating. Seeing the adult cats at the close brings a gentle, reassuring sense of recovery and moving onward.
My sister gave birth to a daughter on the 15th and after the positive drug test they took her away. She just called me about it and is really broken up about it, and I feel bad because I’m relieved. Sympathetic to her pain but relieved.
