My Depression

I don't know how to start this so I'll guess I'll put down whatever comes to mind. i hate being so inherently flawed as a person, or rather, I hate who I am as a person and the life I live. In all honesty, that live I want to live always seems to be that of someone else and I feel like I lost who I am due to a result of that. I never seem to have good luck with things, or at least for very long. All my luck seems to turn bad in what seems like mere moments. I am always bored and nothing seems to hold my excitement for too long and being the shy recluse that I am I am afraid to do new stuff. it seems like I have no one to talk to, so I turned to here to remed that. There's a lot of nice people on here that I respect grea, however it seems when I don't have anyone to talk to everything feels so dreary. This faact is only made worse, that I always had someone to talk to and they left me after a seemingly healthy relationship. Aside from that I try to step out my comfort zone to do new things, meet new people, and, in general, have a more positive out look on life, but, to my dismay, nothing seems to go as plan and I feel worse for it, even with low expectations. I feel moronic. I feel like I can;t do anything without someone else's help or guidance and I can't discover something great on my own. In a way, I don't consider that a completely bad thing, but I don' really like it just the same. I don't know if anyone else feels the way I do. I just want a good, happy, peaceful future and I want me to be a new me, alas I have no idea where to begin. It's hard to bring abuot change when you don't like your self-image, your clueless and ingnorant to certain facts, and are just simply tired/unmotivated to do anything. It seems like life likes screwing me over. I know other people have it worse than me, but I still feel bad for myself. I feel like trash, even when I go out my way to make others happy, something that normally makes people happy about themselves. Instead, i feel indefferent or burdened by it but I can't help myself from helping others becasue my morals and my conscicence prevents me to. It's like I am a slave to my own moralit adn I guess fate too, to some extent. i just wanted to get that out. if you have anything to comment to help or otherwise, I would be happy to read/reply. (In honesty, though I wish I was completely different.I wish everything was).