My depression story

My depression started after grieving for my late brother whom was murder in a public place and people just watched him.

it left a huge impact on me. I was 13 years old at the time

after his death, I locked myself in my room, crying and having panic attacks as people tried to come in. But I wouldn't let them.
Days later after his funeral, my parents allowed me to take a break from high school, even though I had just started. One semester, turned into two semesters, then 3 and 4. During those times, all I ever did was lay in bed, curtains closed, room dark, starved and make myself sick. I didn't take care of myself, I probably showered once every 2 months, and changed my clothes once a month. I stopped brushing my teeth, which left me with rotten yellow teeth that still to this day, needs to be removed. My hair was matte, dry and dead, I had to get a buzz cut.
My depression would give my sleep paralysis once or twice a week. I started getting random anxiety attacks, I started to have anger problems that were so bad to the point I started getting violent, I started self harming, and thinking of ways to commit suicide, and I also imagined how my suicide will be like, I have also attempted suicide by hanging myself and slitting my wrist. I was numb and dead. And I still feel that way. I don't feel motivated for anything, I'm 19 now, stuck in grade 11. I saw a counsellor 2 or 3 times. But I feel like she gave up on me. Because she stopped seeing me