My friend is considering suicide.
She says she is depressive since her childhood. No goals in life, no hope, a few interests which don't mean much when thigs get real tough. I'm her only and close friend and it seems like I've prevented a few suicides already. It doesn't make me any happy though if she keeps stuggling like that. I would even say that maybe she is better off dead if things are the same. She looks like a happy person when we are together and says that things would be much better if we lived somewhere near(We can't see each other often as we live in diffirent countries), though she doesn't believe it would change her attitude towards life and herself. We have talked about things recently and I've convinced her she needs a treatment. She has been under treatment some years before already, as she says swallowing antidepressants made her feel nothing, which was even worse.
Is there a cure? Is there a way I can truly help her, and not just keep preventing her from killing herself? I'm worried about her much and don't want to lose her, but not sure if ready to give everything as there are other priorities.
I would be greateful to everone who is willing to help me with their own experience.
P.S. She has low self esteem, feels depression and helplesness, has difficulties falling asleep, mental problems. And as I've said before, no hope on future. She also hates her female body and says she must have been born as a male. Despite of liking female bodies more than males in general. The last one is curious to me as I don't understand it, and she can't explain either. Are here people like this? And is there an explanation why it happens and how.
@Harpo
Hi Harpo,
Well I think you must be some kind of saint tbh. 'Keeping her alive' is helping her, as is listening to her and being there for her.
It is important that you look after and protect yourself, particularly if she does kill herself as it is certain to affect you.
Personally I would insist that she breaks off any friendship with you if she is determined to kill herself. That way you can say a proper goodbye, and it will affect you and the people around you much less, you will not blame yourself so much, and get on with your life much quicker.
I'm not sure what you are asking as far as sexuality and gender are concerned, except that mankind seem to have infinite variety.
@Harpo another thing you could do for a similar effect is tell her it's affecting you and that she needs to talk to a lifeline or professional when she feels that bad. I did that w/ my friend and it helped.
@DavidEss
Hello DavidEss! Thanks for the reply
Simply "keeping her alive" doesn't seem like enough. Listening and being there for her surely helps, but it's not a cure. She keeps struggling with her life. Moreover she keeps regretting not killing herself in the past when she gets in trouble
Thank you very much for your care! Though, In spite of caring for her a lot I don't think her death may affect me much. We are the best friends, if she dies - she dies with me ;)!
I'm asking if there is a way to cure her, and not just keep her alive, so she may do well by herself, without my presence.
@Harpo
I doubt there is a way for anyone to cure her..... However she can be helped to cure herself if she is determined and lucky.
But unfortunately the effort and motivation will have to come from her, noone can do it for her.
Sorry 🙏
@DavidEss
Thank you for being honest, man.
@Harpo
It's not all doom and gloom though. Whatever you are doing is definitely helping her, and you could introduce her to this site as another form of support.....
@DavidEss
Communications with others won't interest her. Things you've told me sound very logical. I wish she wanted to live, not to die. It's obvious she doesn't seek a cure and why. In her current state she feels hopeless. Though there is a glimmer of hope - she feels herself much better with me in life. Maybe if we live together she might be able bit by bit develop a desire to live and do something in life
@Harpo
Maybe so.
I would be unable to live with her unless she made a solemn undertaking not to commit suicide while sharing my space.
@Harpo ofc there is a cure..
The cure are this:
1. GOD
2. Time to heals
3. Friend to talks positive to her
4. Need support from people around them
5. When she is better, make sure to make her to have selfestem and other things slowly...
Drugs, I don't know if that works or not, I never consume one.
Depression people are really low when they are get problems so, you should support her when she get problems, she will be very annoying and consume alot of your time and like drain alot of your postive energy so, you have to hang out or do outdoor with people that can give u positive energy too, join a community that can help her to have positive thinking.
Tbh honest it is very hard since, you know most people in this world are extremely negative thinking and only very few are positive but not worried usually people that are succesful are willingly help to give other people positive energy that's why they are so inspiring...
Join succesful people, ask them to help her if can if not help you have positive energy by staying that community and then you can keep help her without even getting drag to be depress or stress too..
@Harpo P.S. She has low self esteem, feels depression and helplesness, has difficulties falling asleep, mental problems.
And as I've said before, no hope on future.
She also hates her female body and says she must have been born as a male.=> well it is because she having traumas having female body, maybe she think having male body make her life more difficult, I can assure you she has a hidden trauma that she never told you.
can I know if she broken or from problematic home? if yes, maybe the family and is the problem but the comminity and envoriment she live also trigger that.
Let me explain, like this, I took a case that once I'm deal with, a friend of mine, female are once said to me, If only I have a male body, my life will be more easy than this, I then get close to her and then I find out the root of the problem since I was so analytical when obssees with something, I found she has a broken home, I mean her family was mess up, she has a brother that are more favourable than her since he was better in some case than her for ex. in school grade and in my place asia, male are more likeable in our culture, so she think it would be nice if she is become a man, not only that actually she confess to me that one day she get sexually harrastment from a guy, since he is stronger than her, she cannot do much, she think if only she having a male body she wouldn't be treaten differently, not only that, the price of the shoes and stuff are more expensive if it is for female, not only that she also told me that it is not fair to her since just because she has no penis, she cannot piss while standing and one day she told me that she feel like burden since that time she and her family are on vacations and in the middle of the journey there is no toilet and her brother ofc can piss in the wood with standing and she can't, so she think it will be very helpful or nice if she has a male body, not only that she also told me that in her class, the female group are usually talk about female body, how to get hot and others but since she having not good body as the group she join, she feel embrase but she is not telling me, I took conclusion from what she told me, she at the end told me, are hating her body and should be born as male or having male body.. and she said having an haid or girl things you know Menstruation, her stomach are so hurt and she then told me like, look you are good since you have male body you never exp this cram while I have to deal with it.. and so that is I think why someone is hating to have female body, even though female body are NICE!!
@GhostBunnywhite
Hello, GhostBunnywhite! Thank you for the reply!
I don't think God helps non-believers. 2-5 sound like it might help, the other question is how can we make it? She doesn't have friends besides me and I live far away + don't have much time to be with her. I believe it might help, but I should say talking good about her sometimes works the opposite direction - it makes her think bad about herself because she can't understand someones perspective. There are just times when she doesn't believe you even though she knows it's not a flattery.
I do support her when I have time and energy, though it doesn't feel like enough to cure when I've got so little time + it's harder to connect with her on mental level when she is depressed and we are far away, things I do have much more impact on her when we are together. But again, it's difficult as we live too far.
"can I know if she broken or from problematic home? if yes, maybe the family and is the problem but the community and environment she live also trigger that."
Yes! You're absolutely right here! As you've said, it's not just the family, it's more complex. It's the environment she had grown up in. Some of the things your friend told are very similar to what my friend talks about. I know she's also been harassed by male when she was a kid/teenager, so she wanted to have strong body to fight off. I don't know all reasons, but I don't think that knowing them may solve the problem. We are dealing with the aftermath of her past, aren't we? She admits though female bodies aren't bad and she even likes them more than male ones. She herself wants to be a male.
Can you please tell me more about your friend? Is she doing better? Did something help her?
@Harpo
We are dealing with the aftermath of her past, aren't we? She admits though female bodies aren't bad and she even likes them more than male ones. She herself wants to be a male. =>not only aftermath but also she is already broken and getting more damage time to time if you said her surrounding not support her enough, if u r not in there, it is very hard...
She is super lonely from your story and don't know what to do sometimes, it's like you leaving a chronic depression people to do their own things and then you are just checking up on her..
Can you please tell me more about your friend? Is she doing better? Did something help her? =>yes, she get better, last time, I see her in uni(not the same uni) and she is ok and look much much more normal, well, beside me, she having best friend that very close to her and like a mentor or maybe closer than that, her best friends always support her(spending huge time with her) and she is joining in new comminty that support her to change her POV(she spent huge time too in that community plus always with her best friend to like guide her and giving her example how to be normal) and she learn to love herself more since she having a new POV and correcting her POV when she see it....
Well, she is very stubborn sometimes but, just get along with her emotions and once you are connected with her, you will know the root of the problem and what to do...
Fix it one by one from what problem can be solve...
tbh that is very long process and cannot be done alone, she can't do it alone,it needed many support, as much as support she can get and as much as resouces including time that are being spent, help her to be better..
@Harpo oh one more, in that state, your friend is very unstable, just needed 1 big problems or people that can trigger her broken mind and POV to got into extreme and boom, you will see your friend do that...
Smh,,,
Suciade is the result of someone believing that they are already beyond help, it is very hard to help them since it is needed so many time, resources and someone that help them needed expert in that case so that what they said or do, didn't trigger it...
To heal it needed time and a real close friends that really understand her or wanted to help her, if you can't spent so much on her, why not taking her to follow your activity? if you live in a different place than her then is it possible to make her move to your place? if not, sorry, I don't know what to do, since aiz... so hard to explain it in short msges, I can make a book to explain all if you want in detail plus if you wanted to know more accurate then I have to know more detail about her, you, her comminty, her life, her parents, your situations, her situations and many other things.....
Hi @Harpo. I really feel for you here. For starters thanks so much for being a good friend to her. I've had multiple friends in the same boat who've told me I'm the reason they didn't kill themselves. One sent me a goodbye text & I couldn't reach her so I had to call the non emergency police. I have a friend who contemplates everyday & I can make her feel better temporarily & it takes a very long time & makes me depressed in the process & she feels the same way again the next day. She says I'm the only person I can trust.
It's good your friend's getting help. I've had multiple friends who've needed to try different medical regimens to get it right and sometimes the balance changes over time, especially with young people. As someone who's felt that way before and gotten past it, I can say there's definitely a cure. We construct a worldview based on pieces of info we pick up throughout our lives that shape what we think is out there and what we're capable of and whether we think it's worth living for. Hope finds its way to some people first and dystopia finds its way to others first, but we all live in the same world and there's a lot to live for. It's just hard to convince someone. It helps if you can get rid of any specific beliefs she has that make her feel hopeless about the future. For example, I'd been fed the idea that I'm inadequate as a human being because of some challenges I was born with & my life would be a series of working 100x as hard to just get in everyone's way anyway. I met some people who showed me I have some perspectives that are unique and valuable and that the world is a better place with me in it. I have a friend who'd been told she wasn't good enough for college, work etc. Now she's working & is feeling much better. If there are specific fears that make her dread life, that's a good place to start. I like to tell people that what they've seen is a tiny chunk of what's out there and they got the bottom of the barrel in the past but that doesn't mean they can't have better in the future.
Is your friend involved in any LGBTQ groups? Being around people who support and understand what she's going through can be very helpful. If you lived close to her, I'd say to go shopping in the men's section with her. You could still give her the idea and Skype and she can show you her new looks. Maybe wearing clothes that make her feel more like herself would help her feel more confident. You obviously don't want to pressure her but just knowing she has someone who supports her can help. Even if you don't understand exactly what she's going through, just being supportive helps.
Also, reminding her of good experiences/things that are going well for her helps. Just make sure you don't give off the vibe that you expect her to feel better or she should feel better because of it. But reminding her of positive things, however small can interupt her spiral of negativity and give her a better outlook overall.
Anyway, I'm glad you posted this. You definitely need to take care of yourself and can't help her if you don't. If there's a lifeline where you live, you can tell her to call that when she's feeling really bad. It's too much pressure on you to feel responsible for keeping her alive in those moments, plus there are trained professionals out there. You could schedule time to talk regularly as friends and try to bring up other stuff, obviously not interruptin her but just in general if you know you'll be talking soon it's good to think of a couple other convo topics, maybe watch funny videos together or something, so she can see you more as a friend than a personal therapist and know she has a number to call when she needs a lifeline right now. Also, does she know about 7 cups? It's be a great place for her to get comfortable talking to more people about what she's going through. There's a LGBTQ forum and a lot of LGBTQ listeners too. And obviously this depression forum.
I know it can be really exhausting and isolating dealing with this. I'm happy to talk if you ever need anything. And feel free to refer your friend. I'm not on super often anymore but PM me & I'll get back. She's really lucky to have you as a friend.
@igetcha
Hi igetcha! Thanks a lot for the reply and your words of advice, it gives me hope. Great to know someone understands me that well ^_^
"I have a friend who contemplates everyday & I can make her feel better temporarily & it takes a very long time & makes me depressed in the process & she feels the same way again the next day. She says I'm the only person I can trust." My story is the same. We know each other for few years and I can make her feel good temporarily, but that's it. After some time she feels the same. Though she says her life in general is much better with me than it was before. So what I seek is a cure, if there is one. I don't think that forums and LGBTQ may help her, as she doesn't want social interactions with other people. She simply won't be talking to people.
I hope local professional treatment can help, but...
The distance between us makes everything much harder. Her parents don't take her depression seriously, so she doesn't have anybody near to help her start getting treatment. The situation feels pretty hopeless as far as I am not near her.
Soon I might be able to move into her country and there I may try to actually do something, as it doesn't seem like I can do much from the distance. A good thing I don't care in which country to live, so it must not ruin anything in my own life.
