Never Receive the Same Love I Give

Hello all,

One major thing that I struggle with when coping with my depression is overcoming this feeling that I'm not special in anyone's lives.

I'm the type of person who values friends and family more than anything. I'm never afraid to express how much people mean to me, and I never shy away from making time or going out of my way for these people. I have gone through rough patches just within this year where I had to cut off some toxic people, which makes me appreciate the good and genuine people in my life even more.

However, despite the kind words I do hear from my friends, I can't help but feel as though they only say stuff like that to make me feel good. I feel like I am no one's favorite person, and they will always choose someone over me.

For example, one of my closest friends recently made a new friend in college, and she seems to favor her over me. She is always hanging out with her and calling her on the phone. But she would always tell me that she hated going to people's houses or hanging out or talking on the phone because she liked her alone time. She isn't a bad person at all, and I've already expressed how I've been feeling. She just gave me reassurance and we left it at that. I don't want to seem resentful or jealous that she has a new friend, but it just adds to my feeling of being easily replaced.

Another example is my birthday. For my close friends, I always write them paragraphs of how much they mean to me, and I spam all of their social media to make them feel special. Yet for my birthday that was a couple weeks ago, I didn't get anything special. No paragraph, no spam, not even a phone call from anyone. But when it's their other friend's birthdays, they make posts and shower them with love.

Also, I am going to be moving back into college next month. 2 out of 3 roommates I had last year moved and are no longer living with me. But my 1 roommate found 2 of her friends to live with us this year. The 2 girls seem nice, but whenever we talk in the group chat about our dorm and stuff, they always ignore what I say. I try to make suggestions so no one is stressed out and look on the brighter side of things, and everyone just ignores what I say and continue to speculate on their own. I also feel like the one girl is really clingy with my 1 original roommate, and always talks to her on the side as if she wants to keep her for herself. I've told my roommate how I felt, and she just replied with "Everything will be fine."

I don't expect to be the center of attention in my friends' lives all the time, but it hurts when everyone in my life (friends, family, and any romantic interest) just seems to push me aside or treat me like I'm not important to them. They say nice things, but I believe actions speak louder, and it really hurts me when literally everyone in my life seems to treat me like less than nothing.

I honestly believe that I will never receive the same love I always give. I just don't know how to cope or how to love myself when the world has convinced me that I'm not special. Maybe I'm too clingy, or maybe I'm just weird. I just feel bad, never respected, and never appreciated unless I express that I feel bad.

If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.