New things

So I've been trying new things to help me not only cope, but be more like myself again.

Something that I'm proud of is my accomplishments at my job. I won 7 awards, one being a silly one, and even my older, more experienced coworkers are proud of me. I've learned more about how much they respect me, and how, which was shocking to me. Things like that keep me going.

While I have that, I still have days of self loathing. Like today, I feel awful. As if I'm letting people down, as if I am the worst student on the planet, and that I don't deserve nice things. I feel a lot of guilt. I'm constantly afraid, and now even crying a little as I type this on my phone, in my bed. I feel alone, like I don't deserve love. I feel wrongly judged by the people that I'm around a lot, people are cynical of my dreams, I feel like some people have given up on me. I feel like I want things that I can't have.

But I haven't given up. I try to see why I geek this way. I try to explore my options to see what I can do. I'm getting better with some things. I'm trying to not shut down as often.

I'm giving myself things to look forward to. I'm trying to take care of myself.

It's hard, but I've seen what people see in me a little. I know that I'm not a horrible person. I just need to see more of what others see in me, that's positive of course.