Not happy and nobody knows
I'm not happy and nobody knows.
Why would they think so anyway?
I've been given things that have become so rare today.
Got a job in a uni and in a firm.
I was offered these jobs when most lost theirs.
I accepted both because they seem so rare today.
Pressure is building up inside of me.
Scared to disappoint those who trusted me.
And scared to waste such opportunities.
Now, tell me, who do I talk to to complain?
For all the pressure, is there anyone else to blame?
I talk to people, their words are all the same.
"You're very lucky."
"You've been really blessed."
"You must be happy."
A great quote that might help reshape your thinking in this scenario is:
"Trade expectation with appreciation"
It just seems like you are presuming that you will let your bosses down when there is no evidence to suggest that you would. If they are in positions of responsibility I am sure they are responsible enough to make good and sound recruitment decisions.
Another quote which may help is:
"Fear = f.e.a.r = false evidence appearing real"
Also, you presume people from a lower class can't empathise or would judge you if you shared these problems. I also don't think this is true at all and is quite prejudiced.
It really depends on the person you speak to...
@SilverbackTiger Please don't get me wrong, I'm not presuming that people from another class won't get what I'm going through now. As a matter of fact, I don't consider myself as belonging to any class. Just a different field from my friends who are into something else.
Hmm, I guess my hesistation to talk to them about this is, I just want to be sensitive. I know this pandemic has been negatively affecting others. For instance, in my field, some firms aren't really hiring new people right now because they're currently reorganizing their system and not necessarily because they don't need new people.
I was able to open up to a friend, and I've told her about my recent sleeping and eating issues, but I could only talk to her about what's happening to me in general. I couldn't go into specifics because she won't be able to relate, because we're in two really different fields.
@HopeSometimes I would guess 7cups is the best place for you to open up about such things.
I can relate too. I perhaps wouldn't open up about the vast majority of what I come here for to 'friends'.
@SilverbackTiger
sorry for the confusion tiger, the one that brought up class is me 😅
OP never brought it up. Its me.
@sympatheticKitten8138 I know, I read the thread, I was just suggesting that it doesn't matter who is spoken to that's all.
@sympatheticKitten8138 OP? Is that me?
P.S. Another helpful quote:
"It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now."
P.P.S If I was in your shoes, I would even consider approaching my bosses and saying something to the effect of "Thank you for placing your trust in me and giving me this opportunity. I don't want to let you down. I'm keen and excited to get started but also concerned due to my lack of experience in this area". For all you know, they may respect you for being honest and also feel trusted you would open up to them.
I'm reading a book about the war of independence and despite being placed in the position by many others, Washington didn't believe he was the man to get the job done.
Humility can be a great strength; far better than pride, bravado or arrogance, for instance.
@SilverbackTiger I told them that. When they gave me the offers, I said it would be an honor to accept them, and told them that my only concern was that I'm new. They told me that's okay and everything has a first time.
So now it's your turn to ask me so what am I really really worried about.
And then I'd answer I really don't know.
@HopeSometimes I wouldn't ask you that.
It's perfectly fine, valid, relatively normal to have such concerns.
I've found in 10 months of using 7cups, I often reach out to listeners or forums to just get whatever worries or concerns me off my chest.
It's helpful to vent, regardless of whether there is a reason or not.
All I can say is that I wish you the very best and hope that your concerns pass in time.
I think it's perfectly natural in your situation to have the concerns you've expressed to. :)
You mention on your profile that you are a Writer. I'm a Professional Writer too. I've heard it said that there are many unique problems we face as writers. (Whether they are loneliness issues, being that often we are self-employed, work-from-home types, or whether writing is a lonely profession, or whether the type of personality of a writer is usually overly self-critical, and writing is an industry of constant criticism, rejection, uncertainty, etc)
If I'm correct in assuming you are a professional writer, there are writer groups you might want to try out. I belonged to one when I lived in the capital of my country which met monthly. I'm sure you might also find one online too.
Also, the fact you worded your original post in this forum thread as a poem shows you are a creative soul. You could perhaps turn this anxiety into some form of journalling too. Or other creative expression which has helped me deal with such things in the past.
@SilverbackTiger I'm not a creative writer. My job just requires a lot of writing.
I've been journalling, but it's actually sad why I did that. There's something inside me wishing that my journal would get lost, and by being lost it would show itself to the world. That way, the world would know that I exist and that I feel sad. But that's very unlikely to happen. If ever it does, that would probably be because of my pathetic decision to purposely leave it somewhere for others to read. And even if I do that, it would probably just cause me more pain if I knew that others saw it and despite that they still don't feel the need to ask me how I'm doing.
That's my long way of saying, that's why I'm here at 7cups. Sometimes I just feel pathetic for looking for strangers to talk to. But when I start to feel better, I just become grateful that there are people like you guys here.
@HopeSometimes Just so you perhaps feel less alone right now, I can share with you that I am 30 years old without a single friend in the world. In fact, my only support network exists on 7cups.
Of course it hasn't always been that way. It's just as circumstances have been the last 10 months especially. And perhaps the last 2 years (except I was in a relationship back then)
My friends are scattered across the globe but I've lost contact and I'm purposely not on social media.
So these are lonely times, especially given the pandemic/lockdown/quarantine/isolation
So while I often feel left out or unseen, unheard, as if no one would even notice if I disappeared, and sad that no one has checked in on me, I still feel grateful, as you mention, that even strangers here would bother.
It's all part of our journey I guess, for whatever reason.
The only thing I, and we, can decide though is how to feel about something. We can actually make a choice to feel 'pathetic' or we can choose to accept this happens to many people from time to time and to counter-act the feelings of being 'pathetic' with something less damaging to ourselves.
:)
@HopeSometimes P.S. Samuel Pepys buried his diary during the Great Fire of London and look what historical record that became. So burying your journal might be an option haha!
@SilverbackTiger I have friends, and a family that I know I could always talk to. But everyone's busy too, and everyone's got their own lives to worry about. And, I don't think I have a "real problem", although it's causing me a lot of pain. And so I just try to take care of myself, on my own, as much as I could. And I am proud of myself for reaching out, here in 7cups. Things could have been much much much worse if I never opened up.
Not really sure what I'd do with my journal when it's already time to do something with it. I haven't imagined that part of my life yet (which is probably the time when it's safe to assume I'm dying soon lol). I was kinda hoping my journal would be read sooner than that! 😆
Expressing emotions really helps a lot. These past few days I feel like I've been sleeping with a heavy heart and teary eyes. It's like my tears want to come out, but I'm trying to keep them behind my eyes because there's really no trigger in the physical world for me to cry. And then at night when I close my eyes to sleep, the tears would just fall. My eyes couldn't hold them anymore.
Tonight would be different though. After several days of feeling alone and unsure, I think I'm finally going to have a good night's sleep.
@HopeSometimes I can absolutely relate to that too. I've often not opened up or 'bothered anyone' with things that have caused me pain. However, one thing I've learnt from opening up on 7Cups, and then opening up in real life as a result of that too, is that whatever causes me pain is relevant and should be talked about. It's been immensely healing for me to talk to others about it.
What I'm saying is that even though you say it's not a real problem or whatever, if it's causing you pain, it actually is a real problem. So talking to those in your actual life may be something to consider once you feel more comfortable from opening up here
Also, regarding crying, despite feeling like a cause for concern, I've also found that to cry is to release pent up emotions and it's totally healthy to let those tears fall
When I went through an enormous mental health breakdown 10 months ago, where everything in my life came crashing down, I lost a relationship, lost my independence, had to move back to my family home, lost my dream job and career, and had to temporarily change work and pursue a new line of work (which I'm now grateful for) as well as process the mourning of an old life and all that sense of loss, as well as other past traumas that came up as a result of it all, crying came very often, and often caught me off guard. But it's great to release them and over time total healing will arrive
be patient and gentle with yourself
@SilverbackTiger
I have told one friend that I was considering seeking professional help. That was a time I was feeling so down and I wanted to drink, but I was afraid that alcohol in my body would only make me want to do things I wouldn't have done if I wasn't under the influence. I realized then that mine wasn't just a sad story. It's something that I should do something about.
Opening up per se is easy. I've opened up a lot here at 7cups. But, the person to whom I'd open up to, that's the tricky part. My family and friends, they're all happy. Sure, they have problems too, but they try to fix it. I don't want to just come to them and have them worry about me. They already have their own lives to take care of. That's why I'm here. And that's why I'm considering getting professional help too. I know that the people here are expecting sad people, like, it's the place to be when I'm feeling down. Honestly, the only reason I'm considering professional help is that I get tired of repeating my story again and again.
I just thought when I woke up this morning, maybe the pressure I'm feeling comes from the fact that I feel like I've given everything just to get here. As I got out of bed, I felt pain in my wrist. I started feeling it after my state exam late last year, and I know that's what caused it. I reviewed for several months, handwriting my own notes because the state exam itself was handwritten anyway. Each day I just wrote and wrote and wrote and one day I feel like I've broken something in my wrist. Now it feels like a permanent scar, a reminder that I've allowed myself to be hurt inside and out just to get here. Now it's here, so I better not mess up.
Now I'm not sure if that wrist pain would trigger sadness every time. I can still write just fine, just a little pain sometimes but not enough to keep me from writing. I'd already planned to have this checked but then this pandemic happened, and I just got too scared to even go near hospitals and clinics.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel a lot better if there was no travel restrictions now. I would really love to go out of town, away from here, where nobody knows me and I could just be.
I've feel like I've been talking a lot here, and I'm starting to feel exhausted. With every emotion I express, I feel like I'm letting go a part of me. It's draining me in a good way, I think. I feel like if I continue to talk and talk, I'd eventually end up empty. Would that mean that I'm only made up of my emotions? Lol I don't know. I feel like I'm too drained to feel bad now. That's good, I think?
@HopeSometimes The more we talk, the more we process deep and perhaps repressed emotions. Talking and opening up really is the first step to healing. It stops us operating in denial and causes us to confront the stark reality and allows us to gleam a certain sense of truth that was not available to us when in denial. So the burden on your shoulders may be somewhat lightening.
Take your time. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself too.
Time often heals all wounds, when we are finally on the right path.
@HopeSometimes It's great that you are self-aware. This is important for all healing. You are realizing perhaps that something needs to change or that you need to put less pressure on yourself, maybe. I'll leave the self-analysis to you, of course.
The wrist issue may be RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) rather than permanent damage. Of course, always best to get it checked eventually. But with RSI, simple rest and less of the same repetitive strain can see it go away in time.
Also, this site isn't just for sad people. It's also here for celebrating good news too, walking along this personal growth journey together, as well as sharing posts like this that may well help others too.
I'm sure you're in the right place. It's good you also realize you want to seek professional help. Whether you do or not often doesn't matte so much. The simple fact that you realize there is a problem and that yoy're ready to make a change, can sometimes be enough.