OPEN DISCUSSION- Hiding Your Depression, and Why It's So Frustrating
Hey Guys! I've been through Depression before, and for me one of the most frustrating aspects of Depression was the fact that my depression was so easy to hide. I was as bubbly as ever around my family and friends, and the depressed person underneath that facade seemed untraceable in public settings. I couldn't cry for help- all my cries were muted by fake laughs and dismissed with small talk. As a result, I felt alone in hiding my depression until I joined this site as a Member and realised that i wasn't alone- I was far from alone. I thought I'd make this thread to discuss the tiny frustrations that come with hiding your Depression from other people. Feel free to share whatever your thoughts may be on this, ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT 
As Always, I'm Just A PM Away 
I think the top thing for me is not being able to talk at all because I'm too afraid of saying something I shouldn't. On my extreme low days and if I'm around people, I don't talk because I know I'm on the verge of tears, on the verge of breaking point basically. If I talk, I might cry, I might turn a happy atmosphere to a sad one. And I hate it when it feels like I'm trying to draw attention.
@bleubellejune, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's hard to pretend that we are fine, to put on the fake smile to match the sorrow in our eyes. It's exhausting, and carrying on seems to require inhuman strength.
My lovely, just let me say that you are not over-reacting. And even when it seems you do, it's still not your fault. You're not a fraud, you're not a drama queen, your maelstrom of emotions, no matter how hurtful and inconvenient, is valid. You hate yourself for you weaknesses, but it is not you who are weak. You have depression. Your brain is fighting against you, instead of supporting you. You want to cry, not because you're whiny, but because you feel such a huge despair, it devours all of your world. You feel awfully tired, because you're constantly in a battle with yourself.
You are strong and brave for trying to make everyday your own, please remember that, lovely. Remember that your worth doesn't depend on your thoughts and actions. Remember that you're not alone, when your brain screams at you at night. Remember that there's a sun on the sky, even during the darkest of nights. Remember that you don't have to suffer in silence, that there is a sea of possible options for you to get better.
I'm proud of you. I'm glad you are here, in this community, with me.
*hugs*
@bluebellejean thank you so much for sharing! It takes alot of courage to do, and @Celaeno I really, REALLY appreciate the amount of interest you've taken into being a positive influence on our community. It makes my day when I see such caring members like you.
You slay me with your words. Seriously.
@Celaeno, Thanks so much, as always, for your words. I wish I were just exaggerating everything, but being with friends and family have stifled my once vocal and tough spirit. And it's not really their fault. It's just my choice not to drag them into the black hole that I sometimes find myself in.
7cot has been a saving a grace to me. I am once again able to express myself without fear of 'infecting' those around me.
I've been hiding my depression for so long that it has become a part of how I present myself to people. It comes across as a stoic, watchful person, but really, I'm not there most of the time. I also have a bit of social anxiety, so the two together can make for some rather awkward, uncomfortable social happenings. I feel like this will always be here, I just need to find better people to be around so that we can work with it instead of against it.
@elongatedtorso thanks so much for sharing! Your approach on this strikes me as quite admirable. I wish you all the very best, and I'll be around whenever you want to talk or need a bear hug or a cookie. Sending loads of love!!!
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Hopefully, things are on an upswing.
@ElongatedTorso its my pleasure. And yes, hopefully they are on the upswing for you. I guess we'll have to keep our chins up and see :)
@NewRomantic677
Two and a half years later and things are just worse. It's looking like nothing will ever get better.
I have had depression pretty much my whole life. When people ask me when it started I can't answer because I don't remember a time when I didn't feel numb, hollow, and alone. I find it hard to talk about it with others because I don't feel like they know how to respond. It feels like I burden people when I talk about it. It feels like me having a very bad day and talking to someone makes their day bad too. Luckily I have made some great friends online who understand the way I feel and what I'm going through but I still find it hard to talk about because I really don't want to drag them down with me.
It also frustrates me that I don't have my parents support as I have grown up listening to them talk about how depression isn't real and that people are just too sensitive and need to learn how to grow up. I have never talked to them about the way I feel because of this. I spent my whole life hiding my feelings from everyone and it felt like I was dying on the inside. I still do sometimes. I hate feeling so helpless and alone.
@discreetAcres6234 thank you so much for sharing! That takes a great deal of courage to do. Its understandable as to why you may feel lonely at this time, but heres where I insert one of my favorite quotes: you may feel lonely but you are never alone.
That is a lovely quote. Thank you :)
@discreetAcres6234 you're welcome
For me i just don't want anyone's pity. I leave home every year to go back to school and I always fall into depression. I have tried telling my parents but they don't understand. They just say go and study. Time will fly and you will be back home. I try to tell the people around me seeing if I can get some help but people just say the same things. I just gave up and now just hold my feelings to myself. All I do is just bring people around me down with my feelings. Why hurt them when I am hurt myself. So I just act happy and bubbly, like the world is so amazing and no one cares less. You just blend in with other people.
@faithnpatience001 I've been there. I personally identify with the frustrations of hiding depression and acting like the most bublliest person out there when deep down I was far from it. Thank you so much for sharing, that was an admirable thing to do and I'll always been here to support you in any way that I can :)
I just didn't want to bother or worry anyone. I still don't like it, but I have to because It's very hard to deal with it on your own. But still it's hard for me to tell when I'm having a bad day... It actually makes me feel worse in the beginning, but after I'm always glad I told I'm not feeling well.
@Lotusflowers , thanks for sharing. That feeling is all too familiar for me from my days of depression. Sending loads of love your way!!!
Thank you! Same for you as well :)
I've been hiding my depression for 5 years now. The only people who know are like 4 of my closest friends. My parents literally shut down the idea of me having depression and say "you're not stressed, you're lazy." But it has gotten so bad that I can't even tell my closest friends anymore because I feel like they think I am faking it. And that's because I'm such a bubbly and always happy type of person in real life. People call me the party animal in my group. But what they fail to realize is that I try so hard because I want to be happy but I just can't. I'll leave the party for about 30 minutes to either cry or have a panic attack. Hiding depression is so heart-wrenching for me because I feel sad no matter what.
@Pita that sounds rough, thanks for sharing, because your story sounds all too familiar to me. I've been through depression before, sometimes the only people who understand are the ones who are fighting the same battles, I often find. Stay strong, I'm sending loads of LOVE your way.
People always tell me how I must be the happiest girl alive, because I'm always smiling and laughing and I'm good at acting. But that's all it is, acting. Because even if at that very second I am mentally collapsing, if someone's around, I laugh. Laughing is my response to pain. Physical, mental, or emotional, whenever I'm around people. I don't want anyone to know I'm hurting, so I just laugh or smile. Even when I'm alone, if I physically get hurt, I laugh. My parents raised a liar, and I'm good at what I do. Yet, despite how acting is second nature to me, I kind of want someone to notice. A couple friends know I'm depressed, I want someone in real life to know how bad I am. I want someone I can just look at, and they know what's wrong. But as much as I want someone to know, I refuse to open up to that idea. No one can know how bad I am. Then my parents would find ur I've been lying to them, my psychiatrist, and my counselor, from the beginning. That's just not a price worth paying.
@ScreamingForSanity wow. That hit one hit home for me. Like many of the other posts in this humble little thread, hours beings up a certain nostalgia. With me, hiding my depression was a little more like lying to myself- that's what bothered me the most. Thanks so much for sharing
I remember being fine, or at least feeling normal, but a couple years ago I started to get darker feelings and I guess "gas lighting" myself. I get real low sometimes where I just feel terrible for no reason. Anyway, I try not to talk about it unless I feel unbearably bad, then I just give a hint or two. It feels good to talk about it, so I became a little more open to my family. Then they started to dislike my "gloomy presence". I was once called a "manipulative c*nt" because I'm so sensitive and I cry when people raise their voice at me. So I just kept it to myself again.
I met my boyfriend and from day one we talked about this thing. How I feel bad sometimes, how he's dealt with his own OCD and Bipolar. I tried my best to maintain my generally positive personality, but still told him whenever I felt... Not good. There was a period when I stayed in bed for weeks and cried a lot and he was kind to me but eventually said if I kept acting that way, he would break up with me. Recently I've started to feel bad again and I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. So I'm gonna go back to just keeping my mouth shut and maybe just posting on here.
I just feel like - to me personally - that not talking about it is like being dishonest and I don't like that feeling... I don't want to lie by omission... Not only that but the release feels good. But at the same time, I don't want to drag people down with me. So I think it will be best for me to just stay quiet and maybe just post on this site here and there in order to feel better. Even if I feel like I'm lying to the the people around me.
@Kashmir thank you for sharing! That takes an astounding amount of courage to do. I guess I mayve mentioned this a few times before, but what bothered me the most about my depression was the feeling that I was lying to myself. Depression is unfortunately easy to hide, on fake smile at a time. I'm sending loads of love your way.
I've been depressed for a few months now and it been hiding it from my family the whole time. No knows that I'm depressed just two of my close friends and I don't even like to talk to them about it because I feel like they don't understand. Everyday I have to act like I'm happy and everything is fine in front of my family and even at work. I'm always laughing and joking around and smiling but in reality I feel sad and lonely and like no understands me. I feel like I have no control of my life. I remember my mom telling me I was lazy because all I did was sleep and stay in my bed. I didn't want to tell her that I wasn't being lazy I just didn't have the motivation to get up but I couldn't tell her. That is why joined 7 cups because I get to talk to people who actually understand and I have been though the same thing that I'm going through. I always get great advice and it has helped me.
@Brokendoll31 - it made my day to hear you sharing the positive impact 7 cups of tea has made. Thanks for sharing, it takes alot of bravery to do that. I sympathise with you completely on this one, as depression is unfortunately easy to hide. Sending loads of love your way.
I've been hiding my depression for quite sometime. I've been always told that I'm wrong and get criticized right away. Reasons I don't talk to anyone but would like to vent it out.
Sometimes I would think of myself as a failure. But im seeking help, Im reading and searching on what can be done.
Sometimes, when Im in a good dream, i dont want to wake up.
@Keane2236 HEY! The intensity of your feelings really git me hard on this post, and I just wanted to sincerely say thanks for sharing. it takes courage go share ssuch intense emotions and I applaud you on so many different levels for that! You may feel lonely, but you are never alone.
