On the edge of the abyss: is all I can say about this moment when the pain turned to madness.

On the edge of the abyss: is all I can say about this moment when the pain turned to madness. For some time I have stopped writing and at the same time living and putting into practice everything I have already expressed in words. I have been living in a dark world where my will and my beliefs have faded and everything that prevails is made up of uncertainties, rejections, memories about what has already happened, but which is still present.

I have left my own existence and my "well-being" aside, the darkness took over me at a time when I thought I had overcome and learned to live with the wounds that other people left me, even without really understanding.

In all this time, which seems like a lifetime to me and I have struggled many times to still be here, I realized that while I gained the confidence that everything happens for a reason, soon after everything I believed and thought that were real, it just fell apart slowly and cruelly right next to my eyes.

All knowledge, experience and certainties were exterminated from my life and my being, as if they never existed.

The reason I believed I existed, all of a sudden, no longer existed.

In the midst of all this, my questions did not become smaller, but much larger than I ever imagined. How and for what reason is everything that I transformed into my greatest strength to survive crumbling before my being?

Times of darkness, darkness, labyrinths with no exits, unanswered questions, why?, why?… This has been my motto.

Run over by endless questions and endless reasons that my mind created for this fight against myself to become increasingly worse and invincible.

On the edge of the abyss is all I can say about this moment when the pain turned to madness and that other moment where I'm not able to differentiate one from the other.

I experience so much pain daily that it makes my senses shiver and all I want is not to feel it anymore, I often ask God to end it, I beg my existence to be interrupted.

Not being able to find reasons to continue existing is suicide, even if these reasons still exist in a very hidden place in the mind and heart and we know that this moment and feeling of no longer being able to exist will pass, the pain is much greater and exterminates all that can be of hope and perseverance.

Even in front of the total chaos, there is a silent voice that says “calm”, “keep on”, “it will pass”, that whisper that the soul gives for many times is what saves me from complete insanity and disbelief.

Yet it has not been easy to find light in the midst of chaos, a reason that is greater than all the existential and emotional pain, a single reason that makes me say, "It's still worth it" and even if I am able to find that reason, this fight never ends.

I try to convince myself that what I feel is the result of thinking, questioning and caring too much, that there are really no reasons for so much pain and suffering, I try to keep aware that even if it seems to me that this world is very small, still there are over 7.6 billion people and many live constantly, one-on-one, with the most unimaginable problems bigger than what I feel and it's not fair to keep feeling that way.

It's not fair to allow everything I've built to be a better person every day to go away.

No, it's not fair, and I will be stronger than all of this, I won't allow my essence to be ripped from me by the lack of humanity and empathy of others.

"No one is enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by becoming aware of darkness."

Carl Jung