Opinions about my status?
I am suffering from depression (and trust issues) for almost 7 years now without any kind of medical treatment.
I simply find it hard to care about anything in life and have absolutely zero dreams or hopes for my future. I have lived a lifestyle dedicated to ensure that I will not have the longest lifespan possible and have even attempted suicide in the past.
As for my trust issues, I haven't taken any help regarding them as sometimes I actually think my paranoia may helps me more than cause me trouble. The psychological discomfort caused by it is a thing I have to live with. I still found it an important enough factor to be worth mentioning however.
I have attempted suicide in the past but without success only because of the limited (and quite painful) methods available to me but I have no doubts I would have gone thru with it if I had an easier way. We all have to go sometime so why not now? Especially with my current situation(more on that below) and my view on life. I could perhaps see what?s on the other side beyond the world we know. And if there's nothing? The more pointless my current existence is if there is nothing more to being a human than a bunch of organic matter that somehow gained self awareness. We would be no more meaningful than bacteria of even inanimate mater floating thru the depths of space.
Most of my time is spent playing video games or browsing the internet as a form of escapism. I loathe most forms of human interaction, have nothing to hope for in my future and I don't want or like anything that life can offer me despite searching for a motivational purpose for a good 4 years now. I don't even like simple things such as eating very much and even getting out of bed when I wake up is difficult simply because I have have nothing to look forward to during the day. I am estranged to most of my relatives other than my mother for various reasons. Physically I'm a wreck because again I couldn't be motivated enough to care about my appearance or health. Also I absolutely hate having to go out of the house for any reason.
While I did visit a few psychologists in the past it was of little help and I am unable or willing to try going to a psychologist again partly because I don?t want to have to ask my parents for money as I can?t afford paying myself and partly because I wouldn?t trust one to help me enough.
My reason for not seeking medical aid for depression despite going to a psychiatric hospital once(or for rejecting it to be more exact) was that I found it pointless. How could some pills just "make me happy" and change my nihilistic conclusion about life? It simply did not feel right to be "reprogrammed" like that via drugs.
As for my current situation: a few years after finishing high school without successfully passing my baccalaureate in basic 9th and 10th class biology I am about to give it another go in about a month. Right now I have to either resolve my issues with life, possibly get a higher education and integrate into society or just keep drifting like this until I inevitably end up homeless on the streets. While it is possible for me to make enough of an effort to study and pass it I have no idea what to do with myself even if I do because as I have mentioned there is no career I would actually pursue out of my own volition and not just out of necessity(and things did not go exactly swell when I did that with high school).
Right now I am trying a few more of my planned self helping methods-which are mostly foiled because I feel most miserable when I wake up and during the after-noon I?m not alone in the house anymore. It?s nothing crazy, it involves me writing in a journal of sorts along with talking to myself a bit but I would hate to have someone actually ask me what I?m doing in person if seen. I thought it would be good to hear others opinions on the matter just in case my methods fail again.
Writing a journal is good, it helps to get things out when you can't talk to anyone:) I find writing very therapeutic but you should also try meditation/mindfulness, this could help you to become reconnected with your body more.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through and it hurts me to read what you wrote. I went through the same thing few months ago while dealing with depression (I didn't know at that time). The thing that got me really look deep into everything was when I cried at my nurse office for good 45 mins. I know you don't want to talk to anyone but talking to someone you trust and letting them hear your feeling/emotion will help you so much. I was so hopeless like you but think about doing one thing at a time. It is tough to take care of your physical well-being when your mental well-being is far from perfect but even taking a walk outside and connecting with nature can have huge impact on our emotion. I never wanted to be in a crowd or interact with others so I put on something I want to listen and take my walk to really connect myself with my emotion. And whatever you do, taking away your life is not the solution. You are going to leave behind a lot of people that will have to live every single day thinking they could have done something for you. You may not know it now but you can be a difference in someone's life. You just smiling at someone could make a huge impact on that person life. The world is full of troubles the way it is and people gentleness, like yours, will make this world a better place. Just send me a msg if you want to chat. I find that chatting with someone that knows exactly what you are going through help so much. Hugs and laughter :-)
