Progress

First off Im sorry for anyone that has to read this long message, I wont be able to sleep tonight if I dont do this. Basically I have been dealing with depression for a few years now, it all started in middle school, and even now, Im going into eleventh grade and soon more responsibilities than Im used to. I have been avoiding telling anyone I know about my depression and avoiding doctors. But recently I had the courage to tell my one friend, I didnt really get the reaction I hoped for but I guess something is better than nothing. I dont know if she sees me as a friend though or if anyone else does, the only time I see them is at school and I was to shy to message them. I feel like I have to be a human all over again. Random things like messaging people.. cause thats what people do right? I would find pointless, and going to the store with my parents, cause I was going to feel bad later with thoughts that people stare at me or I was acting awkward. Everything I do, I base it off of my anxiety, and just felt is was better to hide myself from everything. Im crying as I speak, I was thinking hey why not just avoid messaging this or posting this? Its not like it would make a difference for myself. I WANT things to get better, I need to stop hoping that things will magically get better and instead do something about my depression for once. I dont want to be like those old grandparents that regret not going to parties or hanging with friends etc( and making new ones ). I want to tell my parents and I need help. So far I wrote that I have depression and some other things on this note card which I plan to give to my dad some times this week. I hate crying in front of my dad, hes more than I can ever ask for. Hes like my super hero with the advice he gives but I dont think he knows what Im going through. Him and my mom work together every day at their restaurant and I basically stay home and be sad with myself. My mom everyday talks about how other girls my age (16) are getting jobs and inviting friends over... basically everything I do wrong, she nags me about it. When I say I isolate myself... its really that. I stay home and thats it. I tell myself that its because when I was younger my mom didnt like driving me to my friends all the time so I stayed home to annoy her, thats didnt work I guess cause now I want to stay home a lot but I also complain that I have nothing to do. I know its wrong and bad for me and I know my parents feel that way too. They just dont know about my depression. I wanted to do it tonight but my dad is stressed out, my sister has a fiancé but they are ending it and he has to go to jail for something that I cant mention here. I posted something like this earlier but it seemed like I was making myself better than I actually am. If your still reading this THANK YOU, I mean it. I have a bad relationship with my older brother, we live in the same house, I think he has felt the same way as me at some point with depression, I also know he has ADHD, and my sister I dealing with things as well with what she is going through but I know shes happy now that she has peacefully ended it with her fiancé. But I dont talk to my brother, I dont know if its because he lived at college for four years or because Im stubborn and hold a grudge over the way he bullied me as a kid. Hmm what else, I focus too much on the past. The only thing I can have a good REAL laugh about is watching old home videos of when I was younger cause that time was the happiest I had ever been. (Im pretty much being the therapist for myself and analyzing why i am like this now). I used to be bullied because I looked masculine for a girl and I was a little overweight. One time it was so bad that my friend was the recess supervisor. Theres so much more but its 2:00 am, Im the kind of person that sleeps too much. Any advice about anything I listed above would be nice.. thank you. This post has helped me, these past few years I have been ‘sugar coating what I have been going through. And writing all of this is new for me