Purpose

Honestly speaking I'm scared my depression will never go away, I don't really have the bad days I used to have along time ago and life is actually kinda looking up but I still feel like ending it at least once a week, I still haven't thrown out my self harm tool , I take it out every once in a while and look at it, it's feel's like I'm waiting for things to fall apart so I have a excuse let go but things stay the same and these thoughts don't leave . I think I understand why I feel like this but I don't know how to change it, I feel like this because I've been reactive in my life, all my decision have been reactions to the world around me, it makes me feel like everything I've done in my life has never been for me but for those around so in a way my life is fake and the things I like are just distractions to get away from the bad stuff but the but the bad stuff has died down and I now have to make decisions for myself and I don't know what to do.