Question that I need answered

Considering that when I was younger I was conflicted between jumping into the fire or not jumping into the fire. And walked away conflicted between regret that I didn't jump and joy that I didn't jump. Over the years I would keep questioning why I didn't jump due to the fact that I have held this in so long and no-one was there that day to offer me some form of emotional counsel or closure. From what I'm typing it sounds like I am still dealing with the same unresolved confliction that I had that day as a child. Either, I've waited too long? the child that was suicidal that day is still dealing with the events of what happened due to the underlying causes not being resolved then? or I was a child that just wanted to die and rest in peace?