Rambling ramblings
I hoped today will be better, but it is worse. And it seems that is ongoing theme with me.
I shouldn't focus on the bad, but I feel overwhelmed with my depression. I wake up and I feel disappointed, because I have another day to go through.
I have anxiety which is a quite new thing for me. I cannot fall asleep, because I have millions racing thoughts, and when I do I sleep 13 hours. My pounding heart makes it difficult for me to finish the project. I dread the work, but when I did finish it, instead of relieve, I experienced even more of fear. I am at loss how to counter it. The beating inside my chest should be a sign of wonder, not of pain.
I've been taking antidepressant after antidepressant after antidepressants which doesn't work and it is frustrating. 3 years ago it was much easier. I should book an appointment with a doctor. But everything drains me, so I just wait until I run out of my meds. I wait. Don't know for what.
I'm drinking lots of water. I move my body around. I listen to funny podcasts. I volunteer my time to others. I feel the same...
I lied and I didn't go to the party. I didn't go to the cool lecture, because it requires of me to commute for 2 hours one way. I don't want to do that. I am so tired...
I had a week free of classes. I returned to home, dismiss all of my responsibilities, because I wanted to rest. I don't feel rested. I feel like a walking dead.
I work in home and once a week I go to see what's going on in the gallery. Yesterday I've learned that I wasn't told the whole truth by someone I trust. Today I was mislead and tricked. I don't have energy to stand up for myself. I accepted the current state. I will form new boundaries for myself.
I don't harm myself any more. Not physically, that is.
A friend wanted to meet me. I made time for her. She didn't respond and I'm a bit worried. It's been two days of radio silence. I don't know what happened. But to be honest, I'm not disappointed.
My loving father told me that I should believe in myself, because it is all in my head. I passively accepted this statement. He demands from me to form plans, but I have only energy to sit and sip my tea. He thinks I am doing it on purpose to irritate him.
I want to bury myself in silence, but every room I want to hide is full of people. I don't have a space for myself. I'm letting myself to cry and listen to music. I am telling myself over and over again, that this is enough. Still, to be honest, it doesn't feel like it.
Recovery is not straight line, I know that. However, I wonder if this is only a bad day/week or is it a sign of something greater.
I feel I should pay more attention. But my eyelids are heavy and I'm letting them to close.
Please, don't mind my exaltation. I'm just depressed and trying to survive. There are thousands of people who suffers deeply. I will definitely get by. I just vent.
How does it feel to implode?
@Celaeno
I'm sorry, I don't have much time to reply to your post but I'm deeply sorry you're going through this all. Things seem to be piling up and it surely doesn't help - I know how it feels when you just don't have the energy to do anything, and it's hard to get help.
However, you're an amazing person. You can do it, I'm pretty sure this will pass and better things will come, because you deserve them. You're incredibly strong, enough to carry on.
Take care, lovely <3
@Ila, thank you so much for your compassion. I will try to endure it all. Wishing you all the best!
Hey @Celaeno. It saddens me to hear that you're having a rough time currently and are finding it difficult to complete tasks and do other activities. Maybe the two of us should get together and just have a sad people party with duvets and tea because I definitely feel a lot of what you're feeling. I could tell you all about the thoughts that race through my brain 24/7 and you could do the same :)
In all seriousness though, I do know how you feel right now. It's a horrible way to feel. I hope you can find the energy to do something that might give you some comfort and relaxation. It sounds like you have a lot going through your mind and maybe you just need to rest for a bit to let the thoughts pass over you. They get overwhelming and make it hard to do anything but think. You can get very lost in these thoughts, distractions are good at times like this. And rambling like you're doing here is also good, it's good to just vent, that way it's not all bottled up with nowhere to go. You may not feel rested but you're still going. I physically have to force myself to do things because the anxiety of not doing something is much worse than the lack of motivation saying "let's just rest". It's not easy being the walking dead but at least you're walking.
I hate when people say "it's all in your head" because it's true. But how are you supposed to fix that? No one ever tells you how. So you're just stuck with that voice in your head doing everything possible to beat you up from the inside so you'll turn against yourself.
You are doing enough, my dear. You're always fighting so hard and so bravely. It may not feel like enough to you but you've always been so strong, you're still continuing to be strong. The fact that you're here shows that you're still very determined to keep fighting the demons holding you down. There is no shame in needing some time to get emotional because of the way you are feeling. It doesn't mean that all the effort you've put into recovery has disappeared, it's all still there, nothing is taking that away from you. Better days will come around again, I know it, they have to return. For now you just need to make sure you're being taken care of. You will always be your top priority.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs