Reaching my threshold of coping
I am honestly not sure what to do. I've battled depression and anxiety all my life (42m), but this year and this month are breaking me. I was hoping to get my family's support, but they are somewhat primitive (being generous). They think I just need to toughen up. I've been so tough that I am kind of surpsised I havent broken into many pieces from everything.
Long story short, my company closed in April. I was doing fine with severence and unemployment. I decided to file for Ch. 7 bankruptcy so I can start working until I file. It's the best option for me, but I am running out of savings to live on. I panicking, I can't manage my anxiety. I feel like my world is ending and I am simply not going to make it. I only have one more month with my health insurance (part of severence) and then I am out of luck. I am just starting to take some meds prescribed by my psychiatrist, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford them once insurance ends. I've used up most of my savings. I still have some money left for a few months, but that's it. Unemployment will end soon, our government couldnt care about us, and I am just so scared that I can't function. I can't think, can't breathe, can't sleep. I take Xanax when it gets really badly, but that's not a good long term solution. By the time proper meds kick it, I am afraid there will nothing left to save. I've gone through a lot in my life and dealt with some bad times, but I feel 100% hopeless right now and no one to turn to. I had cancer this year and I wasn't afraid. I realized that I have to be strong and I was and it turned out just fine, but with this, running out of money and not being able to go back to work until I file for bankrupcy, it's killing me. I have no answers. Being strong isn't helping. Nothing is.
@mnmlsky Hi there mnmilsky! You have a friend here. Breathe. I can totally relate to what you are writing about. I too have gone through some very hellish times in my life. Since 2006 all hell has broken out in my life - death of my closest sibling, leading to the 2008 financial crisis that has left me in and out of work and I am teetering on bankruptcy. But today, right now, just like you, I am doing ok. I ate today and slept in a bed last night. I am healthy. I have massive debt; I have a family that never checks up on me - and I mean never (family members who did have died). What I am here to tell you is it does get better but you have to breathe. Don't give in to the fear or the panic - it's not real. I don't know if you believe in a higher power, or God; but trying to pray and ask for help was a start for me into getting help from Above. It was my last try before I went off the deep end - literally - I was all alone ready to fall into despair and God showed up I kid you not. Whether you believe or not I'm just trying to tell you that you are not alone. I am here for you. Feel free to reach out; I hope I didn't get to spiritual on you. Just don't give in to despair. That is a lie coming from BELOW - instead - trust in your inner strength; trust that you will be fine. Just trust that you will get different ideas; trust that you can do this. Beng in a pandemic; a shut down; it is harder to manage but you can do it. Please feel free to contact me any time. I hope you know that you are not alone. A friend. Cindy
@lovehummingbirdsCindy Thank you. I appreciate everything you wrote. Unfortunately I do not believe in any higher power of any kind. It would be cruel to believe in a higher power that allows so much suffering to happen on earth. But I am staying as tough as possible. I just hate these moments of despair when I think it's over and I am going to just explode. I have a good career and will only try to get ahead as soon as I get back to work. I just wish I had someone from my family who would help me right now. I am shocked by how much my parents do not care. My sister cares, but doesn't understand what I am going through. l hate the fear. I hate being in this place at 42 while all my friends are enjoying spending time with their loved ones. I wish I could just accept everything that was happening to me and be happy with it, but I screwed up badly (not all my fault, but I am not blaming anyone except my self). I will try to do what I can. I am not sure if I'll survive this. I am honestly not sure. I do really appreciate you taking the time to write this, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
@mnmlsky Just some ideas to try and help you feel better - try and take a thirty minute walk every day even if it is just around the block you live in - get moving if you can - to help keep your body moving. Go and watch children play at a local park if you can; watch the dogs playing. Look at nature; listen to the birds. Force yourself to keep your mind off of your problems (mindfulness) and enjoy the scenery around you. I had to try these types of tactics to manage my stress levels when they got out of hand to only give my mind a break from obsessing about what to do about my problems. I remember my brother when he was dying - he could tell I was completely freaked and devasted. He told me: Cindy - try not and think about your problems all day long. Just cut it down to one hour a day." I never forgot that and it helped me alot. Like you I've suffered from depression my while life; I thought for sure I was going to have to go on medications with this pandemic; but instead I forced myself to go walking and it helped me control my thoughts. I am here. Hope this helps you. Cindy
@lovehummingbirdsCindy Thank you for that. I do walk a lot. I am also into road cycling and that's been a life safer for me, but lately I am so much inside my own head that I can't ride. I was supposed to go for a long bike ride today, but I feel so sick that I can't. I started taking meds so at least the symptoms will subside a little in a few weeks. I am just not sure I can survive until the end of the year or until I find a job. There are people who have it much worse than I do. MUCH MUCH worse, but they don’t have the anxiety and depression of my badly wired brain. I am sorry about your brother. I don't understand why life has to be so painful. What is the point of it all if everything always ends badly?