Recovery after what seems forever

My life seemed completely normal and happy from outside; I was a happy little girl growing up in a loving environment with doting parents and with nothing to worry about. Many people were wrong.

It all started when I was in elementary school. I didn't come from a well-to-do family then and well I was fat. In first and second grade, I was accepted for who I was and up to this day those two years were the happiest I had ever been. However things went downhill after second grade.

You see, I wasn't that bright in the first grade or kindergarten for the fact. I only knew how to write my name properly in both English and Chinese (I come from a Chinese family) when I was 6 and only started speaking fully when I was 4. In first grade, I didn't do really well and was almost held back. I didn't in the end and went on to second grade. I did really well in second grade and was given a chance to take advanced classes in third grade. So I did.

In third to sixth grade, I don't remember much about what happened but the only things I remembered was I was constantly being bullied for not being bright and well fat. The bullying got so bad to the point where I was so afraid of going to school because the bullies always locked me in the bathroom and classrooms and knew how to make me crumble. They even threw my school bag into the school pond and pushed me into the water when they knew I couldn't swim.

In seventh grade, I managed to do extremely well and transferred to an elite high school. But things didn't improve much from there. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in fourth grade (when the bullying was at its peak) and I was constantly struggling with hiding behind a persona (someone sociable and happy-go-lucky) then as I didn't want anyone to know about my past. No one managed to for seventh and eighth grade; I started doing really well in school, lost 20kg and basically became popular.

Ninth grade was the climax. My anxiety and depression went into "remission" (if you know what I mean) for seventh and eighth grade but it went back full swing in ninth grade. I was so helpless then. I was tired of hiding my past and being someone I wasn't for two years and crying at home at night in bed because of the bullying which still haunted me, my anxiety and depression and also my inferiority complex. Anxiety and depression was a taboo thing in my high school, if you had those you were rejected by all people. I didn't want to end up like that but yet I was so tired of hiding my past.

July was a really tiring month for me. My anxiety and depression relapsed to the point I was afraid to talk to people or even go out of my room, not to mention school. I started having extreme panic attacks at school and one by one people started to knew that I had anxiety and depression.

My so-called "friends" started to leave me one by one, saying that I was a burden to them. I was broken then. For me, it takes really hard to me to become friends with someone as I have a lot of trust issues but when I do, that person becomes a part of me. I thought that they were my friends but they were only around for the good times in my life but not the bad. I had no one to talk to as my parents were about to divorce then, I was alone in school ostracized. Basically I felt so alone.

The turning point of my life was when I had a panic attack during club meetings (I was in student classical ensemble and well club president). I had this huge attack outside the practice room all alone, I was breaking down and just crying. But then, this group of people from the ensemble who were from my grade joined me outside and they basically just comforted me. I was in an immense group hug and honestly I could never have felt better. People started to care about me.

My story may be something that most high schoolers experience but I do hope that it somehow inspires someone out there who might be in the same situation I was a few years ago. At this point of time, I'm doing pretty well. Well, I'm not popular like before but I truly have friends who support me and accept me for who I am. High school is harsh with me taking all advanced classes but for the recent finals I was placed in the top 10% of my class (which is a huge feat as many people in my school suffer under the crazy tests we get) and hopefully I will be able to obtain a scholarship to study psychology.

Depression and anxiety do not define who you are as a person. As cheesy as it may be, there is always a rainbow after the storm