Rejoining after year break, coming to grips with depression and...accepting happiness?

So, it has been about a year since I went and joined this site, partly out of pure confusion and partly out of seeking help in speaking to people about my problems involving depression and mental health. The year of 2017 was probably one of my very worst years.

2017 was a year where I experienced the worst kind of heart break, suffered an increase of grief of loss over the death of a family member, introduced myself to self-harm as a form of coping, and almost flunked out of college. A year I lost touch with someone I had considered a close friend online of 3 years. A year when my best friend in real life left to move out of state for college. A year when my family turned down my accepted application for one of my favorite colleges for financial issues. It was a year that held the most bleakest period of my life, and to this day I still get nightmares over some of the terrible things I had experienced in that duration of my life.

2018 comes along, I look back on it now, I still see it as a big pinnacle in my life. It was like a miraculous turn of events took place. I ran into the person who broke my heart, told them off and set it straight. After that, I developed a hard-stoned work ethic "Be successful or die" was my idea. Not very healthy, admittedly, but hey, it's been something that's helped get me out of bed on the roughest days. That 2017 incident over the douche that had messed with my feelings left me feeling sure that 2018 me was not gonna be some "hopeless romantic" girl that could get her heart stomped on again. My heart was gonna become stone cold- then I'd locked it in a chest and swallow the key. I wanted 2018 me to brace through the straining hellish trials of comm college so I could grit my teeth and give myself inspiration to get into the 4 year I always dreamed of being in. My career and dreams of wanting to be an author was what kept me going, serving as my only form of will to live on. Then, I met...him. May 2018, I'm in a Skype call, and it's then, I'm introduced through a friend, a guy that truly struck out to me. And someone who, before I myself could even wrap my head around it; was soon seeing and going out with. Of course, this was a relationship that, as soon as we could find it possible, became afk (away from keyboard), and we met in person in July 2018. After all the events preceding that moment, I couldn't believe it at first. Someone, who I didn't have to shed blood for (because hence earlier mentioned 'douche' was emotionally abusive and pushed me to self-harm for gaining their notice), who I didn't have to hit myself over the head for, someone who I wouldn't have to feel any forms of harmful toxic self-hating feelings over "not feeling good enough" for....ends up simply being one of the most purest, loving human beings I'd ever have the privilege of meeting on this planet. And someone who I could say was truly the very first to come close to the meaning of "unconditional love"...but even greater...somehow wants to be with me, over anyone else on Earth. I just...couldn't believe it.

Friends congratulated me, my family felt pride in me for once... I thought it was all going swell...

Before this current...."predicament", I'm still currently fighting with....found its way into the picture.

Because no matter how pretty or nice the frame of a photograph, there's always that dark smudge that manages to find its way in.

2019, the year of the present:

I'm left second guessing....everything. Having my first relationship last for over a year now. Finishing on my last semester of community college to move onto a 4 year (finally). Getting to rise up and get more and more out of the hole I've been in for a good while now: I can't help but feel somehow that beneath it all, this may all be just some sort of illusion.

That "perfect" relationship I have... where I'm literally with one of the most exemplary beings ever to closely meet the definition of "perfection" I could have ever known....even though we dearly love one another, we still have our scraps. A lot of the times we do, through time taken apart to ruminate over it..admittedly stems from me. My anxiety. My disbeliefs. My "this is too good to be true" 's. My Awful. Fucking. Depression.

I hate what's happened in the past...what's deep-seated in my brain....what's been cooking up toxic memories haunting the breadth of my long term memory for many years now....is coming back to ruin me once again. Just when things are finally starting to look ahead and change. It stiffens me and leaves me sitting into my room, staring up at my ceiling, leaving me feeling like a corpse, unable to get up move or do anything. It leaves me in a comatose state out on car rides or road trips, to the point where my significant other has to yell, scream my name in order to bring me back to him.

It's left me to having to hear some of the most heart-wrenching words ever to come out of someone... I've loved more than anyone else in this world. In one of our heated moments of argument, I heard it...from his own mouth. He uttered.

"If this continues at this rate.... I don't know if we're ever gonna be able to have kids anymore ____."

That broke me, hearing that. There's nothing more that I've wanted to be able to be than be a mom....a guardian...a protector to a son/daughter and be someone's shoulder to cry on.

"Depression tends to be hereditary ____, unless you're willing to get better, we might not be able to. You have to nip these things in the bud before it increasingly gets worse over time", he continued.

And how could he say this, you might ask? It's because of me, fucking me, with my screaming, my yelling, my manipulative words I use on him from time to time my inability to love ANYTHING because I'm nothing but an empty shell of the loving romantic I used to be.

And he was not like this before.... before, he loved me more than anything.

Over a year's progress of dealing with me, I've turned a man: once totally strong, willing, vulnerable, soft, giving, emboldened with love, one of the most powerfully loving people I'd ever met in my life. A man who once told me, he was willing to DIE for me, if it any cost it would bring me to happiness again...

To someone who is now defeated..cold. Instead of looking at me with bright eyes of hope, all I see are dimmed eyes of defeat..loss of words of being able to speak as intimately with me as he did before.

No matter what I do...I can't seem to do anything right.

So... I don't know what to do at this point. I don't think I can ever get him to love me again...everyday it's just more and more fights and instead of progessing, my mind is regressing back to the bleak dismal mindset of before and idk how to stop it. Why can't I just be one of those people who overcomes it all and has nothing to worry about anymore? Why can't I just get it: I finally have things going my way, accept feeling happy for once, and live happily ever after? Why can't I be one of those damned people who gets a new relationship after a horrible experience with their first try, and doesn't second guess themselves with having their new found partner? Why do I second guess and believe no matter what, I'll ALWAYS have someone end up hating me in the long run, and there's nothing I can do to make anyone happy or love me? I..just don't know anymore