Resentment of Being Brought to Life
I have this complete illogical thought of hating everyone from my ancestors to my parents for bringing me to this life. I yearn for the life before I have consciousness. I yearn for that complete blank nothing I used to come from. I am tired of needing to wake up every morning and breathe and feel hungry and wash myself up. I am sick of being myself. I didn't ask or choose to be in this world. I feel trapped and forced to live a life I never wanted at the first place. I don't want to be a living thing or a human being. I didn't want this to happen. I am tired of having wants and needs biologically but only to be told to curb my desires in the world. I was created to imagine and dream but only to be told that I can never be who I want to be. I am tired of feeling, seeing and tasting because they are all pain manifested in many forms. I don't care if I never saw a rainbow or taste ice-cream because they are all meaningless globs within a bed of suffering.
I didn't choose to be born into this body or the family that I have. Everything is forced upon me, and I have to just deal with it? I am so exhausted of wishing and trying so hard to achieve my dreams only to know I can never ever in my entire lifetime reach it. All the while I have to see people who were born with silver spoons reaching heights just because they are LUCKY and blessed. What makes one less lucky or less blessed? Is it my fault when I didn't choose to be the person I am today at the first place?
Nothing in life is worth living, not the happiness, not the connection you make in this world, nothing at all. Life is this bleak, grey place with a series of deathly tests only for me. While I struggle with knives and arrows shot at me, people have worlds of flowers and sunshine and I was told to ACCEPT it, to ACCEPT that people will forever have whatever I wish for because I am mere human and not ought to complain. I am tired of this. So tired having to wake another day. I know there are many people with more unfavourable circumstances, but that does not mean I have to value the shitty life I have. Life is a complicated mess and I am sick of it.
#enoughranting
I am a child. It is simple as that. 13 doesn't have much of a stand against this kind of world. 13 doesn't have much experience. I'm a pansexual 13 year old girl with depression and anxiety. There are tons of cases like me yet nobody knows how to really be there for us.
A couple days ago so many things hit me at once. My mom caught my scars on my arm from me cutting because of things I couldn't handle. My boyfriend saying he doesn't love me anymore because of a different girl who lived closer to him. My friend acting up asking people if she wanted to die, I of course got mad at her and said she needed to stop trying to get attention.
That last one hit me hard. She has always compared my depression to her's saying what I dealt with was nothing. I was tired of it and told her to stop trying to get attention and to stop making people feel like shit. She started to blame me for her problems and sent friends after me.
Although these seem like little things they felt like I was being torn apart by all of their words. I got no comfort from anyone. Anyone at all. Only scoldings and questions and hurtful words. I couldn't do anything, not even pitty myself and cut. I feel like a brick in a pond. I'm useless, I don't belong, and I was abandoned here.
Although this is a rant, I would like to say to all the others like me, you are not alone. You are not any less important that the rest of us. You are so strong and amazing to have made it here and to have gotten help by yourself.
@pluckyVillage362
Thank you for being the only one who replied. I really appreciate it, I am holding on to life like holding onto a thread that might snap.
@adoredHug70
the cynical and pessimist side of you might find these relatable,
if you want to self-loathe some more and intellectualze it too,
https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/68189.Emil_M_Cioran
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Emil_Cioran
for the rational you who might intend to get control of his life even if a little, start from this :
in case you read, check these sites out, for the rational you,
https://markmanson.net/best-articles
https://oliveremberton.com/the-best-of-oliver-emberton/
https://evolutioncounseling.com/
https://johnnybtruant.com/category/inspiration-motivation/
Look, cynicism, pessimism and nihilism might make more sense when you are in a state you might be in,
plus, they are comforting as hell even if tormenting,
But pragmatism is the way to go if you want to make things better for yourself.
Life, world, randomness or circumstances might not be on your side,
but atleast you got to be on your side man.
You know,
take your time, but pull you s-hit together,
or don't, world goes on.
