Self-perpetuating Down Hill
I keep finding myself back where I began.
I've been taking up every opportunity to get help and help myself, I truly have. I've gone as far as signing a contract promising to not participate in reckless behaviours etc. It's tough but I want to get better.
Tonight is just another sleepless night, not stress, just thoughts.
I feel like ending the suffering and the pain, I have tried many times before but I never succeeded so I want a more concrete method that I can rely on.
I am patient, I am waiting to get back on a DBT course but I feel like this is my last resort.
I'm exhausted with myself. Helping everyone, feeling so much emotion or feeling so much emptiness, worrying 24/7 about how people are feeling, wanting to stop everyone and everythings hurt and neglecting myself and my hurt.
I can't remember a time where my mind has just stopped, for a breather.
That is all I want, I've tried asking to be admitted for a while, to let myself gather my thoughts but they don't believe its the best idea all because I am physically incapable of opening up to them, the only way I can express my thoughts is through writing, my passion.
I feel like I'm only going backwards.
@IronicSarcasm
I know what it's like to be trapped in hopeless thoughts. They say down spirals consist of two things, suffering and hopelessness and it can truly feel like that at times. I know for myself, nights tend to be the worst, it's quiet and calm and that's when all these thoughts come flooding into your mind and it feels like you can't stop it...and maybe you can't. That's alright. The only thing you have to do right now is is hold on. I know that seems very difficult but you can do it. You've survived so many years with these same thoughts and guess what? You're still here. That takes a very strong individual and you've already showed so much strength.
It's people like you that inspire me, you are the silent warriors. Please fight on and don't lose hope. Never surrender into the void of hopelessness, fight it. You can do it, I believe in you 
xx
P.S. once you've gotten accustomed to the site, I'd love to see you as a listener here. I think you'd help a great many. You have a gift and you're very intelligent, please consider it xx [edited by Dillion to remove inappropriate language]
@KindListening
Thank you for your kind words, I just needed to vent I guess, you're awesome a million thankyous xx