Series of Problems Combined - Depression, Anxiety, and Frustration

Hi. I'm writing this to share my thoughts; my family members aren't really tolerant to the problems I'm having, and apparently, they think these problems are quite trivial. Additionally, some parts of the writings here haven't been told to them since I'm afraid they'd flip out on me, or worse, disowning me.

I'm a 22 year old guy whose dream is visiting USA. The source of that dream is because I'm a fan of classic country music. This led to the first depression cause: I can't afford going there, and to be able to do so, a lot of time is required. Most likely years. When I see my peers whose family backgrounds are financially great and thriving, as well as being able to go there with less efforts than I've already made, I feel like I'm left out.

Then again, many people think "it's okay, just be patient, save up and work hard". However, how would you feel when you wake up in the morning, trying to stay positive, only to receive a message that your idol passed away while you're sleeping? When I experienced that, I felt numb for a whole week. I felt like I lost a chunk of my motivation to work hard. Again, I'm talking about classic country musicians here - older people in their 60s, 70s, or maybe 80s. If it takes 10 years for me to earn all the money I need, what's the chance of them all passing away in 10 years? I feel like I'm running out of time already. Needless to say, I'm frustrated as well since I see that my peers are moving on in this world really quickly, just because they are a lot wealthier. To me, this feels unfair (although I know that this world is unfair to everyone, thus it may be considered fair).

I've also discovered that I have a tendency to admire older male musicians (older men in general, actually), which may be a result of father complex that I'm having. My Pa has never been harsh on me though - I just don't get to meet him often. He comes home only once a week, or maybe twice in rare occasions. Keep in mind that this routine has been going on since I was 10. Obviously, I didn't know what kind of feeling I had exactly, but before I knew it, that complex turned me into a homosexual man with a preference towards older men.

Long story short, I messed up big time; I threw myself at random older men, hooking up, things like that. I think it was an escapade. Around half a year ago, I begun to have a symptom in which there's a lump on my genital skin. I thought I may have gotten an STD, although it had been months since I last had sex. Maybe it was bacterial infection, or maybe not. A general practitioner said I might have herpes and I should get examined by a specialist. Tomorrow I'm going to one. This causes a huge anxiety that results in constant headache. If the lump was just a normal lump that's curable, it's fine; I've learnt my lesson the hard way. But, what if it's really herpes? If it is, I don't know how to tell my family about all this. Heck, I don't even know how my family will view me. My life will never be the same.

Well, these are my thoughts. I don't really know if the problems aside from possible STD are actually trivial, but at least I think I've managed to share it. Just typing it kinda relieves 20% of the load in my thoughts, and that's better than doing nothing. If you've read this till the end, feel free to share your thoughts, or maybe suggestions, and thanks for reading - I really appreciate it.