Several stressers

Hi all, I'm in need of a place to type my thoughts. So here it is, and may I add I'm not sure if some things might be triggering(death, self harm, miscarriages, bdd).

I don't know where to begin.. my mind is racing, its all over- till it crashes and burns out. I'm so lonely lately, not physically, but mentally. I can't talk to anyone anymore because I've shut down. There's always a listening ear, but the same stories burden me more than them. Since the death of my grandfather it's been especially hard. This is the first I've talked about it since it happened August last year. 11 days before my birthday. (What's a birthday? How old am I? I leave myself pondering for minutes trying to remember my age. 20.) Anyway, I've blocked that day out so well I forgot about my subconscious self. It became nightmares. He was in his 50s, diabetic, on every pain killer in the book, proclaimed a drug addict by doctors because the pills didn't work quick enough so in pain he took another. The day he died, he shouldn't have. My gma and fiancé plus I tried to help him. He was sleeping in bed with his machine on to assist his breathing. He was in such a deep sleep he had urinated. He's never done that before, so the three of us tried to get him up. He wouldn't wake up though, still snoring as usual, even the normal mumbles to leave him alone sleeping. I hated seeing him this way. As a child I found him the same way and had to call the ambulance. (Part 1)