So alone.
Who knew that you could feel so alone even though you have people around you.Can't show emotion, and can't confide in them.
No matter how long I wait for things to at least slow down so I can take a breath it just drags me down deeper.
Back in '06 I was diagnosed with Major Depression, and ever since then I have tried to deal with it the best way I could.
School use to be a place to where I could get away and focus all of my attention so that I would no longer have to feel, just focus.But now it is nothing other than a place that fills me with anxiety, and especially when I am about to leave the house. My depression is taking the fight out of me. I find it hard to do homework, and so I have to fight to get things turned in on time. One of my professors has had me change one of my projects so many times it is now late, and I am in fear of failing. He did that because he did not like my design, every time. Afterwards he stated that I should think about dropping his class. I am currently a fulltime student, and I have so much I have to worry about that this just broke my heart. I feel like a failure, and that by being this close to not passing a class I am letting everyone down. I feel like an idiot, and that I should have done better. Finals are coming up in about three weeks, and I just found out, not that long ago, that a few days before they start my father will have to go in to have his last vertebra fused in the middle of his spine. The stress that I am under mixed with the depression is unreal.
This will be the third spine surgery, and the sixth overall. He has a disease calledankylosing spondylitis, and he has had it for close to twenty years. He has one of the worst cases that all of his doctors have ever seen. It has brought on a list of other problems, and one of those includes a compromised immune system. This means that if he gets an infection it will have a straight path to his brain, and because of this there has been talks about a will.
I have had to go to a doctor recently for some growths in the joints of both elbows. It seems as if I have growths on the bone that are encasing the nerves that lead to my pinky and ring finger. He said that it seems as if there is a possibility that I could have my fathers disease. I am in school for Design, and lately while doing homework on the computer my hands with either go numb or I will have indescribable pain. I feel as if I am slowly losing everything. Since I am a college student I don't even have the funds to have my elbow fixed, or even find out what exactly is causing the growths. From what I have found out there is a real possibility that I could lose function in parts of my hands if it keeps spreading. This scares me, because then I will no longer be able to draw (which is my passion) or do what I am going to school for.
I can't talk to anyone about these problems. I am the rock for my whole family, and going to them with these problems will lead to them getting upset. Also I am afraid that if I opened up to them they would quit telling me about what is going on with my dad. My boyfriend does not know how to deal with my depression and stress. If he can't fix the problem then he gets almost irritated. He will either ignore me, or he tells me that I will get over it and that I am doing good.
It is so very hard to talk to people about depression when they don't even know what it is, and all they can say is to get over it or try to tell you what they think will make it go away. (ex: working out, taking a walk, getting your mind off of it.. etc)
I am gaining weight, and I have mastered falling asleep sitting up since I am tired all the time. I just don't know what to do any more.
hello amusingmelon49
I just wanted to say you're really strong to have gone through and are still going through this. I dont much to say, probably because i cant really relate to your situation.
except for the school part, being a student myself... school used to be a place i'd like to be at as well but now in university, i feel so isolated. it doesnt help that i dont make friends easily and my friends from school are busy having fun with their university lives. Sometimes i feel not cut out to do my course as well. but it'll work out for me and you too haopefully.
i cant say anything about the medical conditions, the best i can say here (which probably isnt any consolation) is that things will get better. the night is darkest before the dawn.
being alone is a bummer. most of the time im fine with it but sometimes i need someone to tell me my feelings are normal and its all gonna be okay. but i dont wanna impose on my friends. it would come off as needy and totally weird.
depression is no joke. get help for that, people are willing to help just sometimes we cant find those people. speak to a listener here, helps to get things off your chest.
all the best
Hi amusingmelon49.
You say your the rock well i am too always there for everyone around me. Now i need support no one is bothered, no one wants to listen, so i know exactly how you feel. I wonder where to go from here.
@amusingMelon49
Hi, I've just seen your post, and I wanted to say how strong you've been through all those times! I'm really sorry you've had to go through that, but we are all here for you, and you can always come and chat to any of us!
KEEP STRONG!
I can relate to your depression, and just as much, to the bad feelings associated with thinking that those surrounding you cannot relate. It is a double-whammy, and not a pleasant one. Coming here is a good idea, so congratulations on that. 
I just want you to know that at one time I felt as bad as I thought it was possible for a being to feel, and felt that it would last forever. It didn't. It is gone. I hope that your feelings will turn too.
