Sooooo

Lately, my body has been feeling as if the depression has seeped into it. It's as if there's something toxic in me. I hate it. I'm trying to figure out besides my counseling and medications what else I can do for this. I'm exploring different avenues, perhaps massage and aroma therapy can help. I will hopefully be able to have the funds to give those a try.

Sleep has been very weird for me. I'll wake up during my sleep a lot, but sleep for very long periods of time. I fall back asleep easier than I can wake up. The dreams I'm having a very vivid. They aren't really nightmares, just dreams. However, some of them seem so realistic, I have to think if it actually happened or not, or if it will.

I've been trying to do the different path exercises on here. The guided meditation stuff, it just doesn't really work for me. I've tried different ones. It's the whole guided bit that gets me. It feels invasive and forced to me. So when I finally kinda woke up today, I spent about an hour and a half making a music box playlist. I'm currently listening to it now.

I also haven't eaten since sevent-thirty this morning. I stayed up all night, cause I couldn't sleep, then when I got back from having breakfast, I passed out. But I don't want to leave my room because I don't want to face my roommate at the moment, who knows nothing of this. I wish I could tell her, but I can't. To make it short, she's proven herself untrustworthy, judgemental in certain areas, and despite being a communications major, doesn't understand how to listen. My family cannot know either for similiar, but far more complicated reasons that I won't go into right now. In short, it would be unhealthy for me if family and friends to know about my depression.

I've been e-mailing professors asking them not to give up on me. Only one has responded, giving me "one last chance".

So, part of me is at a loss, while the other part of me knows what I need to do. I know what I need and want, but when I go for it, a lot of the time I get denied it, which doesn't help matters.

I cried last night while writing every e-mail. Sometimes, while I am here in my room, tears will roll down, like maybe a few at most. I cry quietly so that no one can hear me. I feel alone, but then again, it's better than being around the wrong people.

I take the tests on here and they want me to take the depression path, but I don't have the money to back 7cups, otherwise I would.

Soooooo

What now?