Starting College
I just started college (university) about two weeks ago, and I'm scared shitless. My roommates seem like nice guys, but but I feel kind of distant from everyone. I feel alone. I know this seems trivial compared with some of the problems other people who post on this sub have, but I have a pretty good reason to be scared I think. I've been to 3 different high schools, and I was miserable at my first two. I was diagnosed with depression my Freshman year, and I tried to kill myself my sophomore year. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks where I got a little better, but I still felt like shit. Then my third school came along and I almost instantly started feeling great. I bonded with a lot of people and I had a really great time in general. But now that I'm at college, I feel completely alone. I manage to put on a smile and a laugh for the people who live on my floor, but I wouldn't really say I have any friends. I'm scared that I'm going to digress back to the extreme misery I felt my sophomore year. I've been taking Zoloft for about 5 fucking years now, and I really want to stop taking it, but I'm scared that if I do, things will get much worse than they already are. I'm already thinking about transferring colleges, thinking that maybe I just chose the wrong college, but I don't really know what to do. If you've managed to read this all the way through, thanks.
What you're feeling is natural for any person starting college...let alone someone who's been through what you have. I've been through those same emotions and so are all of the other freshmen at your university...whether they appear to or not. Colleges have resources to help with that...and remember you aren't alone. College is a great time and you can make life long friends. You got this :)
I'm a few years out of university but I struggled with anxiety and confidence during school. It is tough, but I wanted to let you known that you are not alone. You may think others have it all together, but a lot of people have a mask. You mentioned that you wanted to stop your Zoloft. Just offering my option, but stopping a medication during a period of change might not be the wisest thing. If you do want to stop it, you might want to wait for a bit to get adjusted to college before tapering off (with the help of your health care provider). I've gone off my anxiety meds before and then a few months later my anxiety acts up again and I go crawling back to my MD asking to go back on them. Being on meds does not make you weak. You would be surprised of how many other people also take them.
Word
@genericusername2019, first I want to tell you, lovely, that your problems are not trivial. You feel lost and overwhelmed with changes which always makes things hard. You feel lonely and scared, and you doubt if you will manage to cope with your new life, because of your ongoing struggles with depression. Wonderful, that's okay. You have every right to feel that way, however painful the despair is. Your feelings are valid.
You feel fed up with taking Zoloft, and I can relate to that, because I am myself on the medication. It can be frustrating, the feeling of dependence on the little pills in order to feel fine - more, to feel anything other than sheer numbness. The thing is, your meds helped you in the past, in your third school, and they are helping you now. You are feeling very anxious, but I suspect it is not because of Zoloft, but has relation to starting a new life chapter.
Antidepressants are a type of medication designed to make you feel better when you are ill. They are just like any other medicine, they are not a sign of weakness. If you want to, I strongly advise you to tell with your doctor beforehand, otherwise you will experience nasty withdrawal symptoms. And you don't deserve anymore pain.
College is stressful, and your anxiety and despair is making your life awful. But I am proud of you that you actively seek solutions and want to improve your wellbeing. It is hard to reach out when you are surrounded by darkness, but you overcome it, and that's a great achievement.
You said you don't know what to do. I'd love to help you to find new solutions, of course if you'd like that. Do you think there is something that would make your situation more manageable?
Sending you lots of hugs! We are here for you, lovely. We care.
@Celaeno
Hi, thanks for the help. I'm thinking about transferring colleges, but I don't know if that will actually solve the problem. I've also considered increasing my dosage now that things are getting worse. I'm sleeping through classes, no doing work and not really socializing, and I only see it going downhill from here. Nothing is really improving. In fact things are kind of getting worse.
@genericusername2019, sorry to hear that, wonderful. It must be really hard for you to keep going through the days when you feel so awful. Depression is a terrible condition and it sounds like you are on the brink of the full major episode.
When I am in pain, I feel such a despair that I'm believing my whole life is one pain only. This illness skews our perception of reality. Of course it doesn't mean that our feelings are unreal or not valid, but only that it is almost impossible to maintain the usual focus and attitude when your brain screams at you and says that you are a hideous creature and deserve only the worst. Shortly saying, when in pain, we focus on the pain, and it can eclipse the whole world.
That doesn't mean it is impossible to be better. You already experienced a successful recovery in your past, so it's safe to assume that you will feel free of this sorrow in the future.
Have you consider booking an appointment with your doctor in the meantime? I'm not a medic and there is a really high probability that they can propose something better and smart, to help you break out of the cycle. Maybe it will be an increasing the dosage of Zoloft or maybe it will be something completely different. It would be better if you consult your doctor first, to effectively tackle your adversary.
Weekend is almost here, so do you have some plans to relax and enjoy your free time? What do you like to do? I think it is really important for you to properly self-care, because you are already having hard times. Every little thing counts.
About the schools, would you like to tell me what advantages they have in comparison with your current one? Maybe one of them is closer to your home?
Sending you lots of hugs and all of my strength, lovely! I really hope tomorrow will be kinder to you.
I understand how you feel. I just started college, too. And I feel more alone than I have in my entire life. It doesn't help that I have poor social skills as well, unless it's online like this. I miss home. And I miss my friends. It hurts all the time.
Everyone else seems to have adjusted very well. And I feel like I'm the only one out of place. The only one that finds it difficult to smile.
So I understand you. You're not alone.
