Struggling
Trigger warning
Im struggling. My brother got married recently and that was the event I was holding on for. Im struggling now to find another reason. My depression tends to be like a roller coaster. I have it constantly, but Ill go though times when it feels way worse than other times. This is one of those way worse times. There are so many changes going on in my life and Im struggling to keep up with it all. Im basically rolling down a hill and picking up speed. My therapist said I need to start changing the negative talk in my head and start saying affirmations but I dont want to. I just want to be done with this world and my issues and struggles.
I dont know what to do. Im trying hard to hold on for other people, but it just keeps getting harder. I started out liking my new counselor, who I started seeing in May, but now I have my doubts about her. And I have my doubts about how much I can talk to her about stuff. And also how much I want to talk to her about stuff.
I cut myself earlier this year. It was more like scratches, but now, when those feelings swoop in and take over, its hard not to continue doing that. I still find myself doing it or some sort of self harm and it somewhat calms me down. Im even feeling the urge right now. I am surrounded by people, good life moments, and I will still feel this way.
I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat. And I know how tempting self harm can seem when you're in this mind set. Trust me. The missing skin in my arm can confirm. But it won't do any good. I'm in no means an expert or trying to say I know what's going on in your mind, and the best I can do is just give you the advice I've been given. You need a goal to hold onto? It doesn't have to be a big thing. It can be something small. So small you feel kinda stupid for calling it a goal. But trust me, it helps. Try something you're passionate about, for example, if you like cooking, set a goal for cooking a meal every Saturday. It gives you something to hold onto and look forward to. Or set times to hang out with people IRL.
Depression is different for everyone, and it is most definitely a series of ups and downs, but a secret to get out of that down is to be able to reach out. Yeah, it's scary and I personally worry about what people will think when I tell them what's going on in my head. But if they really and truly care about you, they will be there for you. With your counselor: it's okay to look for a new one if you feel like this one isn't the right one for you, or you can't trust her. I have a very negative mind, and yeah, your therapist has a point on trying to turn the negative into positive, and I really suggest you do try that. But you can also try and think of three good things that have happened today, or say one possitive thing to people every day. If you try that, it can also lead to overall positive thinking, but it's really up to you.
You matter.
