Struggling to Keep Afloat (Possible triggers: suicide)

I feel like I can't keep myself up anymore. I mean, the good days are good but the bad days keep getting worse. I get just so depressed that I can no longer care for myself. I won't eat or drink or use the bathroom. Sorry, did I say won't? It feels more like can't. I literally dehydrate myself on a regular basis because I can't even drink a glass of water 2 feet away. I really want to, it just feels like there is something missing in my mind. I just lose all my willpower some days. It's like there is this wall between "wanting to do" and "doing". I think this may actually be serious but I can't afford to get treatment. I feel like I've tried everything but nothing ever works for long. The only reason I didn't commit suicide last week is because I was physically restrained. I can't seem to escape from this. Doctor care costs money that I don't have. I never had a chance. I keep trying to survive because it's what people tell me to do. There isn't much else keeping me going right now. Everyone says to me "you can do it" and "just try harder" but they don't seem to realize how much effort it takes for me to get this far. I think there might be something actually wrong with my brain, but I can't be sure.