Stuck

I already know that no one can help me feel happy again, and I know that theres no way out of my sadness, but I just want to let out some of my feelings. I apologize in advance for my choices of words; Im a poet, and its hard to tell when Im dramatizing my sentences.

I feel stuck between a life in an awful world and my greatest fear: eternity. I love change. Eternity can make anything normal. Boring. Even the word scares me, so Ill change the subject. I have OCD, chronic depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses that youve probably never heard of. I am a girl-turned-non binary and Im asexual, but no one knows in my life (as in, not the internet). Im always so afraid of hurting someone elses feelings, so I bottle up my own and pretend like Im a normal, happy, cisgender girl so that I dont hurt anyone. Im a good actor, so no one ever knows anythings wrong unless I tell them, and sometimes I even trick myself. Sometimes I feel perfectly calm as I contemplate my sadness, and I cant feel anything no matter how har I try, but other times I cant stop crying. Even then I hold back, just to make sure that no one will notice. Theres a lot of times when Im at a social place, and I tell myself, Ill cry when I get home. And when I wear my expression of emotionless-ness, thats when people ask, Are you okay? Whats wrong? In response, I just deflect the question or flat-out lie. Its a reflex; I cant help but hold back my true thoughts from others. I also have a problem with trusting people. I dont say anything about any of my struggles to my understanding, supportive parents, and even online I hide. When someone tries to help but fails—which they inevitably do—I lie and pretend that they helped me. I stopped talking with listeners a while ago, simply because it never helped me and it only made it worse. Im not expecting anyone to answer, but Ill still ask: how can I find happiness again?