Stuck

I'm a 21-year-old Finnish male with all the symptoms of atypical depression and existential anxiety except weight gain. I've had depression symptoms since I was a kid but they have gotten a lot worse since I was 16 or so. Doctors seem really incompetent and medication has only given me nasty side effects. Therapy has just made things really awkward and self help has been futile or made things worse. I've had three horrifyingly bad romantic relationships so I'm not the least bit interested in women anymore. I have many traumas about work and even being in school. I've had pretty bad anger issues but it's a lot better nowadays. I'm scared of dying. Religions are not really a thing here where I live so that's not an option. The less I have to interact with anyone the better I seem to feel. Lately I