TabbyPhoenix & Celaeno's corner (but others are invited, too!)
Little disclaimer: below will be a talk about medications, but neither of us is a professional. Please seek medical care before taking any new or unprescribed medicine into your precious body ^^
Lovely @TabbyPhoenix, I managed to find a non-awkward way to talk with you, instead of using the Feed ^^
I understand that you feel uneasy about using medications for the depression. And I believe that your SO encourage you to try it out of feelings of love and concern. Saying that, your feelings are still valid. You can feel scared about taking them - I was for sure.
Because we're talking about pharmaceutical treatment of depression, I think I should tell you about my opinions and experiences with it, so you'd be aware about the possibly biases. I never was anit-medication, more like anti-"Celaeno has depression and has to address it". After years and years of dodging the idea I had a real problem, I was so desperate that I seek help of psychiatrist. I was offered in my recovery plan an antidepressant to take once a day. And, honestly, I didn't feel good about it.
Firstly, there was a cost of money. It really stressed me out that my budget won't handle it. I was also scared that I will get addicted to it. Or suffered the agony of nasty side effects. But the biggest thing which bothered me was that I somehow lose in life by accepting to take antidepressants. I believed I should fight with depression relying only on my willpower. Yeah, meds are fine for some, but I'm made from the stronger stuff. I felt ashamed that I had to take little pills to help me function daily. It was like admitting I'm weak and worthless, just like my brain repeatedly told me.
But I was so desperate, so exhausted, so afraid I will harm myself and that I just cannot keep existing like this, that I immediately bought my prescription. And for my own, personal type of depression, with its specific symptoms and duration and severity, it was a game-changer. Not immediately, of course - meds are working after 3 to 6 weeks, but they made such a huge difference. They honestly changed the way my body worked. It really is like having a switch turned on in your head - suddenly you realized you can think clearer. And with their help it was easier to battle other aspects of depression, like negativity spiral, insomnia, lack of motivation, etc.
And yes, every kind of antidepressant has its own side-effects. But remember two things: every one of us has a different brain and we are reacting differently to substances affecting its structure. My friend had a nausea every morning for 2 months, while me taking the same thing had headaches for two weeks. And they all differ in their severity and duration. Also, the beauty of being flood with pharmaceutical companies' products is having a lot of brands and types to choose from. If you react badly to something, you can change it for something better.
And no, it's not possible to get addicted to antidepressants, at least not in the physical way of craving it.
And no, you won't be condemned to take it forever. After they serve their purpose in helping you to full recover from depression, you will simply stop using them.
And no, they are not personality-altering drugs. They are not happy pills or a source of ‘artificial
Oh gosh where to begin. I appreciate your reply very much! It was nice to hear your insight, and you did address many of my concerns. I have two big things actually that are giving me pause (besides the worries that you mentioned of course).
One thing is the fact that I'm saving and preparing for a move pretty soon, so I'm worried about the current stress of finances and job transfer stuff and moving expenses on top of trying to wrestle with medication will be too much. I feel it would be best to wait till after this period and after I'm settled in a new place, though that will admittedly be a few months. Looking like somewhere between June and August.
The other thing, and this is a medical concern that really my psychiatrist will have to address but it has been a huge road block for me. I have a hormone imbalance that, if I don't stay on regular birth control, causes cysts to form in the area of my reproductive organs. I discovered a couple months ago that St Johns Wort, which is an herbal anti depressant that I had tried off and on for a few years, doesn't mix well with my birth control. And neither do many anti depressants apparently. Not saying all of them, but basically I'd have to factor that into whatever antidepressant I try.
I can say that probably within the next year I will, if nothing else, talk to a psychiatrist about everything and see what comes of it. I'm tired of being tired and not wanting to eat and not feeling motivated to do much of anything. I've felt this way as long as I can remember. I used to just be called lazy, and my teachers didn't understand why keeping up with school work was so hard for me, my family didn't understand why I didn't feel motivated to make friends. It wasn't till I got older I even considered depression as a possible reason. I think part of it was I didn't want my mom to be sad, because she has mental health issues, and when my sister got bad enough that she had to start taking medication my mom said that she was glad I didn't get that part of her genes...
Gosh I'm saying so much. I guess I just needed to vent more than I thought. I dunno I guess in the end, I don't like taking medicines and I don't like letting people down and I can't really imagine what I'd be like if I had motivation. I do have a question though, is it really possible to get better to the point you don't need your medication anymore? I always assumed that it was a for life thing, that no matter how long it had been if you stop you revert back to your unhealthy state.
Also, I really appreciate you listening and giving all this feedback and stuff! It means so much. 
@TabbyPhoenix, I understand that you want to secure your financial situation before adding any new strains to it. I don't know how it looks in your place, but in my country antidepressants are partially refunding, thus making it possible to fit in my budget. Also, their cost vary wildly, so you can always ask for the cheapest equivalent - that's what I'm doing ^^
If you feel it's possible for you to wait for the Fall to start the treatment, that's a good plan. However, I am aware than the move itself is a really stressful experience, so I'm worrying a bit how will you handle it with the current plan. Of course I don't know you and your state, but have you consider talking with your SO about making some compromises in your life to help you get through this time? For example, like delegating some responsibilities? When we know there is a tougher situation coming, it's great to plan ahead to lessen the stressor's impact.
Agree that talking with psychiatrist about combining birth control pills with antidepressants will be the best solution. That's an important factor, and I'm proud that you are taking the best care of yourself, lovely. I can't tell for sure, but I believe there will be still few options for you to choose from meds. Please excuse me if I'm praying, but are you sure that depressive episodes aren't side effects from the meds you are already taking? Have your doctors ever address that correlation? I suspect that you felt depressed longer than taking the birth control pills, but maybe they somehow deepen the symptoms of disorder? I don't know, it's a long shot, just thinking loudly ^^
The pain of struggling with depression... I'm sorry that you have to endure it. I don't wish any mood disorder to anyone, ever. Right now it may seems impossible to you to imagine the life without it, but it is certainly achievable. This is an illness, not a personality trait. You don't have to condemned yourself to this never-ending struggle. Treatments are effective, lovely. You don't have to feel exhausted. You don't have to feel hopeless. It has nothing to do with your worth as a human being, but with the mishaps in connections in your brain. It's nothing personal, really. You are enough to enjoy the life without it. Living with it for many years makes you identify yourself with it, but you are more than this disorder. No matter what others thinks about it, you have your own distinctive, wonderful and unique traits which makes this particular human being - you. You are not depression, just like cancer patients aren't their tumors.
Deciding to get a diagnosis was also hard for me, because I felt that I'm disappointing my parents, especially my dad. But you deserve better life. Please, don't put yourself into shackles, because you think it will make someone's else happy. You are worth a full life and that means a life with managing the disorder. If your loved ones doesn't want you to receive a full assistance to stop your misery, it's not a healthy, supportive reaction. When you take care of yourself, you can improve your relationships, but not the other way around.
And yes, you will stop taking antidepressants when you fully recovered from the illness. It has pretty high treatable rate, but I gathered some statistic to be sure for this:
"Up to 80% of those treated for depression show an improvement in their symptoms generally within four to six weeks of beginning medication, psychotherapy, attending support groups or a combination of these treatments. (National Institute of Health, 1998)
Despite its high treatment success rate, nearly two out of three people suffering with depression do not actively seek nor receive proper treatment. (DBSA, 1996)
An estimated 50% of unsuccessful treatment for depression is due to medical non-compliance. Patients stop taking their medication too soon due to unacceptable side effects, financial factors, fears of addiction and/or short-term improvement of symptoms, leading them to believe that continuing treatment is unnecessary. (DBSA, 1999)"
You definitely don't have to revert to the state before, but the self-care is vital in this case. You have to stay proactive and take good care of yourself ^^
Don't feel guilty of talking "too much" - that's for what the forums are ^^ And supporting each other is the goal of this community. I really like talking with you, lovely. I look forward to read another post from you. Lots of hugs!
Gosh, you're so lovely for talking to me and reasuring me.
I have considered the depression worsening because of the medication, though when I think about it I don't personally see a significan't correlation. I had depression before and over the course of the year I've been taking birth control, yes my depression has worsened a bit, but I think that was mostly situational. I lost a best friend of 12 years last May over a really shitty situation, actually that was the trigger for me finding 7cups. The despair and stress over that was a lot. Then I had to quit my job, more dumb situational stuff. My gf tried to commit suicide, and omg thankfully she did not succeed. Lots of blows last year. The past few months have gotten better but I was in a rough place and I think it was just triggers agitating my depression.
It is good to hear those statistics though. Even just having 7cups has kept my head above water more times than I can count. I slipped in and out of self harm last year when all of that was going on, which upset me cause prior to that I was a couple years free of self harm, I'm at 3 months now! But it would have been much worse had 7cups not been there as a resource. I remember two very very distinct occassions I thought I was going to commit suicide. Technically the first time was just before I had found 7cups, so instead of doing anything I drove to an empty parking lot, put on the audio book for If I Stay (a really good book and movie btw), and just got lost in it. There's a line in that book, and I believe they include it in the movie, where the grandpa says to the protagonist who's in a coma "It's okay, if you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting." And it was like I was being given permision to break down, I just sobbed for what felt like hours. I didn't want to fight anymore. The second time I had already found 7cups, so a listener helped me through it.
Still, though 7cups has kept me hanging by a thread, so to speak, I don't want to spend my life like that. I don't want to always just be hanging on for barely any reason other than to take care of my cat and gf. (But hey, I'm told no reason is a stupid reason to not commit suicide. Whatever you can do to stay alive.)
Anyways, I appreciate you listening *snuggles into your hugs and stays there* I hope its okay if I steal more of these hugs, I really need them.
Hey, I don't know if you'll get this but you're super compassionate and the person I look up to on this site. I wanted to ask you for your help with something. Lately I've been feeling kind of distant from my gf. I'm constantly at war with myself, my mind going back and forth, "Shouldn't I work to fix this?" "Maybe breaking up would be easier?"
Its just upsetting because my gf isn't doing anything wrong. Shes trying, I just don't know how to get across what I want. I don't know how to feel closer to her. I want to, is there any advice you could give?
Hi, @TabbyPhoenix! Thanks for the kind word - I really enjoy talking to you and even if I'm not a relationships expert (or even any kind of expert), I will gladly help you as much as I can, lovely.
You said that you "don't know how to get across what I want", so would you mind telling me in more specific what do you want, lovely? You want to feel closer to her, right? But you feel somehow unattached. Do you have a similar experience like that with other people or activities or is it only with this relationship?
I don't fully know your situation, so from my position there could be two perspective that you can look at your relationships: do you have actual problems between you two? Is there something that you want to change or adress to improve? Still, you said she doesn't do anything wrong. Do you think you do something wrong? Or maybe your doubts are caused by your negative thoughts, linked probably to the mood disorder? Do you notice other similar signs, like loss of the pleasure, numbness, inability to make decision, changes in the sleep pattern?
I really don't know a lot about you or your relationship, but one thing that I can recommend you - because everyone else recommend it to me and it works - is to communicate with your girlfriend. Tell her about your mood lately, say that you want to spend more time closer to improve the bond between you. Go on a date or a walk and be honest with her. In my opinion that is a way to get across your thoughts and needs, but of course you know your life the best, so please don't feel pressure to do something against your opinion. Still, if she's a good person and she makes your life better with her presence, give it a try.
All my love!
@Celaeno A big part of it is the fact that I'm asexual. Which by itself isn't an issue, its just that years ago when my gf and I dated the first time I asked her about it, without coming out exactly. I had never had sex before and had no interest and I asked her, if we never had sex would you be okay with it? She told me that she wouldn't feel loved without sex. That was many years ago -we'd broken up and dated other people since then- and she's assured me on multiple occassions that she doesn't feel that way anymore. But it really affected me and my sexual relationships that followed. I messed up a lot of realtionships (including ours at the time) because I thought that I had to have sex when I didn't want to or I didn't love the person.
Long story short, my gf and I haven't been having sex and even though she assures me she's fine with it I keep feeling like I have to initiate it to prove I love her. I keep trying to figure out intimacy without it (which you think wouldn't be hard for an asexual person). I just feel like I don't deserve someone who accepts that part of me. (I had to try really hard not to backspace that cause it was too sad and honest)
I guess I just assumed that I had to either be alone or accept that other people want sex. I don't know how to have a relationship without it because I was taught by all my friends, family, and ex's that if a relationship doesn't have sex something is wrong.
Sorry if all of that was tmi. I've just, never been able to talk to anyone about this. I hope you're okay with me telling you.
@Celaeno realized I could tag you :P
@Celaeno I keep trying so hard to make my relationship with my fiancee work but no matter how hard I try to convey how hard I'm trying she seems just super whatever about it. I try and I try to stress that even just an inch from her would help but she keeps misinterpreting me. I don't know how to get her to understand that I'm struggling to meet her half way while she's just sitting over on the other end of the field. I feel like if I stop then our relationship is just gonna devolve into, basically nothing. Toleration and a shared space. I'm scared I can't fix this. And I'm super scared that maybe there's nothing to fix and its all in my head, like most of my issues.
@TabbyPhoenix Thought I should update this since you mentioned about not replying, and say that this kinda resolved itself. I started taking dopamine supplements again and have been feeling better and also made an appointment with a therapist, finally. I kinda, ran out of excuses not to ;^^ I was talking to someone about my anhedonia struggles and they mentioned seeking professional help and I used to quote money as a reason not to but... I'm doing fine now financially, and my copay is actually really low soooo
@TabbyPhoenix, I'm so incredibly sorry that I haven't respond to your posts sooner - please, please forgive me. I can only imagine that you would think that I forget about our conversation, but it is not the case here. I'm just a horrible procrastinator, something which badly affects all of my relationships in life. I'm sorry that you had to wait so long to hear from me. I'm truly ashamed.
First, I'm glad that you've decided to seek an assistance from a professional! It may seem odd to congratulate on that, but I really believe that it is always a huge step forward in treating mood disorders. Mental health struggles shouldn't be something we simply should get over with or ignored for years, trying to lead a "normal" life. You're giving your all to recover and that's more than enough.
What is also really important here are your needs, lovely. I can clearly see how hard you're trying to be the best partner to your SO, to fulfill their needs, but remember that you are also part of this relationship. Your needs are valid, too. I'm also on the ace spectrum, so I can imagine your feelings, but know that by talking and communicating your feelings you're doing what best can be done here.
Earlier you've said that "she assures me she's fine with it", not having sex, so it seems you have a needed comfort and that your partner respect your boundaries. Don't feel pressured to do something against your will and insticts. It's absolutely okay to be an asexual. It's okay not to have sex, not to look forward it or to inititate it or to enjoy it. I know it's hard when the society values it so much and treats it almost as a product or traits, but it's not impossible. And you're not alone in this struggle with defining relationships without it ^^;
Again, sorry for the delay. Let me know how are you feeling lately and what are you thinking about your recovery. All my love!
*hugs*
@Celaeno Gosh please please don't beat yourself up over the pause, I understand. I'm doing a lot better. I already went and saw my therapist and I have another appointment next wednesday. She was really nice and helped me feel comfortable. We talked about my history and everything leading up to this point, and I told her all the things I do as daily self care. She said that I've come in already making her job easier because most only have emergency plans where as I have a daily routine in place to keep myself healthy to make my recovery easier (she just warned me to remember when the day comes that I break the chain that I don't beat myself up and I get right back on, cause that day always comes). She did say that with my case since there's family history and it started young (and the fact that after being on medicine for a year and stopping I got much worse again), that I will most likely need to stay on medication because mine looks like a chemical issue. But she told me to try not to look at it like there's something wrong with me, it's just a thing that's going to help me get to living rather than surviving. When I told her my reservations she said that she sees that situation as like, being in the trenches crawling your way out with your hands, when there's a ladder right next to you. Why make it harder for yourself when you have the ladder available to you? Next week we're going to go more in depth and see what we're gonna do with medicine, as the first week is just introduction mostly. But I feel good about it.
@TabbyPhoenix, glad to hear you don't mind the delay ^^; And also that you had a positive experience with the therapist! She seemed to be geniuly helpful and supportive. I really like her metaphor about the ladder - I think my first doctor said something similar about using glasses for the short-sighted. And the other made a comparison to using an insuline for diabetic.
Also, I'm really happy to hear she recognize how much worked you've already done with your routine and self-care, because that is really a lot. You've come a long way and it should be recognized. I can only hope that those visits will keep being helpful and insightful to you, and that you will feel better and better. You absolutely deserve it ^^
*hugs*
