The Words that Almost Killed Me *Trigger Warning*

His words echoed through my mind for years. You dont have the courage to kill yourself and were all suffering because of it. Im sure it sounds worse taken out of context, which is the way I took it and the way I kept it resonating in the back of my mind all day everyday, ironic considering how the media had reduced my cry for help to manipulation in his mind. He meant to hit the ball back into my court, not through my heart, and he had no way of seeing the damage on a wavelength he just wasnt tuned into. The dramatic fourteen-year-old lying on the floor shut up and as far as he knew, it was over.

Empty cliches like what doesnt kill you makes you stronger blur the line between tough love and rationalization. Its easier to pull silver linings out of context than to recognize tragedy for what it is. I spent years trying to muster the courage to end my life before I found the courage not to. After seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I wanted nothing to do with the person who implied I didnt deserve it. His indifference when I shoved my newfound purpose in his face added insult to injury, but his surprise at what I built on that passion showed me hed never seen the light himself.

The life Id blamed him for keeping from me was something he didnt know existed. Of course, he wanted it for me, just like I wanted it for myself, even as I was about to throw it away. It just didnt seem realistic enough to be worth fighting for. If I can forgive myself for plotting my own death, I can forgive his warped worldview too. I can forgive the person who said it once if I can forgive the person who repeated it over and over on a loop.

I can forgive but I cant forget. I refuse to believe the dark, endless tunnel is the only path to the light. If I can make it through on subconscious strength, I can tear it down with conscious strength. What didnt kill me did make me stronger, but almost dying doesnt need to be a prerequisite for empowerment. Living doesnt need to kill you and helping others doesnt require hurting yourself.

I never wanted to go. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I thought wrong. I mistook opinion for fact, just like he did when they talked up my diagnosis with something hed never heard of to a death sentence. They had a warped worldview too. I was disabled, not dead. I just wish someone wouldve told me. I wish someone wouldve genuinely seen me as a beautiful human being rather than a zombie. Someone did, years later. Im just glad I procrastinated long enough.

I survived because of my weakness and suffered because of my strength. No one couldve seen it coming, but nobody couldve had the foresight to say it wouldnt. Nobody can predict the course of evolution and nobody has the right to stamp an expiration date on someone else. Humanity is ours to explore, not destroy. Sometimes, its good to be wrong, and its definitely okay. Its okay to say you dont have an answer. Its okay to tell someone you cant help them. It doesnt mean they cant be helped. Its okay to have limitations. It doesnt make it okay to enforce them on others.

Now, I have the courage to not know, to not act, and to not be right. I have the courage to stay on the shelf past the expiration date the world stamped on me and see what ferments. It might or might not make the world a better place, but I deserve the change to try. I deserve the chance to fail and try again. I deserve the change to wait and explore. I deserve the chance to be wrong, so I can be right later. I deserve the chance to live and the courage to believe Im worth it.