Theories and realizations

As I'm processing my own depression, I've realized a few things and come up with a few theories for my own case. If this is different from you all reading this, that's fine, as everyone's experience and thoughts are different, I'm just going off of my own experiences.

First: I'm slowly realizing it's okay to ask for help and support. It's hard for me, since I've been the "hero" role for all my life and still am. But it's hard for me to put the "hero hat" away when I need to.

Second: There are just some people you cannot tell, and that's okay. I have many people whom I at least cannot tell at this moment in time, but a lot I can never tell, and that's okay. Everyone has their own reasons, mine vary from "this person cannot handle the thought at all" to "it would be unhealthy for me if they knew" to various other things. It's up to you who you do and do not tell and your reasons are your own, even if you don't have one.

Third: There are going to be things that will make your depression worse, for whatever reason, and it's okay to leave those things. Mine is the fact that my theatre department will never cast me for various reasons, the constant fact that I'm not "good enough" or "worth it" and "social neglect" (as my therapist calls it) are too much for me. As much as I love auditioning, for realistic reasons and the fact my time and efforts are always wasted, I'm not going to audition anymore for my department. As much as I hate to stop, I'm not even given the light of day, so there's no point. It's not that I'm giving up on theatre forever, just giving up on this department. It's okay to do so. There's other places and opportunities out there, they are waiting to be found, or may come your way soon.

Four: It's okay to seek all your options. I'm scared to because of how screwed up the American health care system works. I'm frightened by the financial aspects of it, how much it's going to cost me. I can't ask my parents for help, as they couldn't even if they tried without going into a worse economic state than they already are. But I'm trying to figure out what I can do for me, which means I have to figure out cost of medications, which is scary, since I've never been on them before, but it's time to invest more in my health.

Five: Speaking of investing in my health, it's okay to do things for you. I'm slowly realizing and learning that. I've always thought, and still do, that it's selfish to do so. But it's not and we all need to learn that, myself included. If there are people that give you a hard time about it, because they think you're selfish, then leave them behind, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Six: It's okay to create a new start for yourself. I'm planning on moving away after I graduate college. I've realized that I cannot gain a new perspective on my depression if I'm constantly in the same place that I'm hurting. As much as I love my hometown and the people in it, I cannot stay forever. I need to get out, to be free. I'm not running from my depression or my issues, but I need a new view of it if I'm going to make much more progress. I need a new start, a new beginning, an adventure.

Seven: Indulge in the things you enjoy for a bit. There are things you have to do that you do not like or want to do, but there are many things that you do like and want to do, so take some time to do those as well. It's important. Make time for yourself to do the things you want to do.

Eight: Stay with the people who support you. Even if they do not know about my depression, they are still very positive people in my life. Such as my job. My bosses and fellow co-workers have given me the chance to grow and become one of the best there. They have taught me and helped me become a better person. They've helped and pushed me and given my more opportunities than my department at school. It is sad that I can say that, but at the same time, these people truly value my skills, my learning, and trust me. They truly know what I can do and my potential. I've been working more this year than ever before and still getting more events than some of my co-workers, which excites me. These people are the best. When I move, I will be sad to do so, but if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have a reason to get out of bed on the weekends.

Nine: Do whatever helps you cope the best. For me, it's going to the local shooting range and target shooting. It's training on how to safely and effectively using a hand gun. I've made many friends due to this and in fact, it helps me focus and clear my mind. I'm in a safe environment to do so and have a safe place to store my gun so that it's not on campus with me (since I can't have it on campus). I try to go at least once a week. My mind gets so jumbled up some days that when I finish shooting and hanging with the people at the range, my mind is ready to focus again.

Ten: Continue your treatment and to seek options. It took me time before I found the right counselor on campus. It took a lot of encouragement from her and my adivser to go the disabilities department and get help. It took a lot of courage to tell my professors why I'm missing classes. It takes a lot of energy too. In the end, it's helpful. They are supportive and wish to help. I have some that encourage me to see them when I wish, which is super awesome.

I guess that's it for now. It's a struggle, but it's something that needs to be done. I hope this helps others that read this. Again, I'm just going off of my own experiences so far.

AutumnEagle