The stakes

So I have been doing my best to treat and cope with my depression and be successful in college. All my professors and my advisor know. I've been seeing my counselor every week and e-mailing her as well.

I don't want anymore people to know, I can't have that. The more people know about it, the more at risk my life will be.

How so?

My friends and family would swarm on my to the point I'd have to hurt them just to get some space. I would always have to worry about them instead of taking care of myself, which I already have a hard time doing. The things I have worked hard for, such as learning about and shooting guns, possible traveling opportunities, everything would be taken away from me as a way to show, "what's best".

Now our new REC wants to chat with me. I'm assuming my advisor or one of my professors e-mailed her and I don't want to meet with her. Period. Last time when I met with the REC, I had to flat out tell him to stop contacting me, it was so awful. He would try to force me to accept his "help" and that's not okay, ever.

I have to keep this hidden from friends and especially family. It doesn't seem like many people who do actually know understand how high my stakes are here. They are too high right now as it is. The more people know, the higher my stakes become.

Now, I'm not advising anyone to hide theirs, everyone's depression and lives are different. This is just how it has to be for me.

I ended up e-mailing my current REC and telling her that I don't wish to meet. I can't handle more people knowing right now. I just can't. Next semester will be bad enough having to tell new professors since I now have accomadations thanks to the disabilities department at my school.

My stakes are just too high right now:

My parents would blame each other and fight about it.

My family would try to force help upon me, which would cause me to hurt them just to get out.

My friends would do the same^

I'm afraid if my bosses found out, they may not have me work as much, when I love my job dearly

It's already taken away a lot of opportunities for me in my department at school.

My family would try to keep me closer when I need to be away.

I would lose my independence that I worked so hard to gain.

I wouldn't be able to be left alone without some one "worrying" about me.

In the process, I may lose people I care about due to having no choice but to push them away.

it's already affecting my physical health negatively.

My life would be ruined if my family and friend found out.

Those are my stakes. So here I am, facing this alone. Sure, my professors and adviser know. I'm seeking counseling and gotten accomodations from school. In the end though, I'm doing this by myself. I don't have friends and family to support me because I can't ask them to. I can't trust them to do so on my terms. I'm constantly afraid that they will find out and what they will do once they do. I'm constantly shutting myself away so that I can actually be alone, which sucks that I have to do that in the first place. I feel like people are nosy at times, especially my roommate. I'm always on edge. I'm always on the defensive, ready to fight off a threat.

Depression has taken a lot from me already, and I'm trying to keep all that I have left. It's hard. I have already had to fight for every opportunity I've had thus far, now I have to fight harder than everyone else, which I also have already had to do.

I need a break, big time.