The thoughts that begin the day...

Waking up every morning used to be the worst part of the day...knowing I had to go out into the world, fake smiles and laughs, force myself to focus on classes and work but failing everytime...I wished that one day soon I would no longer have to deal with waking up ever again.

Recently I feel as though I have hit rock bottom, I'm facing that fact that I am a 20 year old college student with an alcohol problem, substance abuse, a DWI, and have been raped by two different men twice now. This is not where I ever thought I'd be. Yet for some reason, when I woke up in the hospital after I had drunkenly hit another vehicle, I was happy. I was relieved. I hadn't hurt anyone else, I lived through rolling my car, fracturing my skull, and going to jail. I've been able to attend classes still, keep working, and now get the help I've needed.

Waking up is hard still but the thoughts are no longer defeating me, instead they motivate me. They tell me to get through this probation, go to all the AA meetings, eat, remain healthy, do this for your family and friends that thought you had died. Take advantage of the fact that with all this terrible life experience you finally can start climbing back up.

I'm not one to tell others what to do or how to get better, but I hope some are able to read this and know that it's possible to change. I hope that all those who read this do get better because no one deserves to feel like this. You deserve love.