Things I've Discovered
Depression has been keeping me away from things I love and care about. It's been keeping me locked away, even ashamed to be around the people I live with. It's been keeping me from going to classes and other events.
For some reason depression doesn't keep me away from my job. I've wondered why for a while now, but it hit me recently. It's because I'm helping tell a story. Every weekend when I'm working, no matter where I am, whom my client is, or how long the event lasts, I'm helping tell a story. Story telling is something I've always wanted to do, hence why I'm studying theatre. Studying other languages has always helped as well, so that I can tell stories across the globe. But that's why work doesn't get affected by my depression, I'm story telling.
I keep auditioning, hoping to get cast in a show so that I can tell a story. I know it will be similar to work, since it would be story telling. I haven't been cast in a show in about a year and half now despite my every effort, despite me seeking feedback to do better, despite what I'm learning in classes, and I don't know why. It's fustrating and doesn't help my depression any, in a way, it makes is worse and is rather discouraging. But I will keep trying, perhaps some one will and see what I can do.
I also realized something else. Shooting (pistols) helps me clear my head. I have so much going on that my head get's messy and things get jumbled. When I go shoot, I have to focus on one thing, the target. I have to be safe about it. It takes training, but it's also something I can do alone, or with people when I choose. I'm getting better all the time. It's exciting. It helps a lot so that I can actually think things through. It's also a wonderful stress reliever in general. So I try to go to the shooting range when I can.
Something else I've noticed is that I've been stuck. Physically, mentally, and emotionally stuck. I need to get away from here. I will finish school first, but I need to get out. I can't stay here forever. I'm being held back. Now, of course I will miss all the good things I will leave behind, but at the same time, I need out ASAP. This state, this town, it's all too small for me. I need to travel, I need the adventure, and the instability that comes with it. I need to be free of all the things that have happened to me here. I can't stay here anymore. I'm being selfish, but it needs to be done. I'm tired of being alone when there are people near, I'm tired of not being able to do the things I want to do for me, I'm tired for being the "local hero" to some. I'm just tired. I'm done. I need out. I need to tell a different story for me. I need out.
I'm working on an international opportunity to get out of here. A job for at least a few years after I graduate. I'm working hard to get this, as I need it. I have so much to offer overseas and it has so much to offer me. I need to actually heal, but staying in the place where I'm constantly hurting isn't doing me any good. I'm afraid they may reject me due to my depression, as I have to tell them this, but hopefully they will be able to listen to what my letter's of recommendation have to say and what I have to tell them as well. I need this. I need out. I can't run away from my depression, but getting out and seeing a new world can help give me perspective on it.
I've been seeking counseling at my school and doing my best in classes. I'm working as well. I'm trying. Lately I will have tears come out, but just a few, not actually anything related to sobbing or crying. I went to sleep that way and woke up that way. I can't keep living like this. So I have to leave. I need help to get there. So I guess that's why I'm on here. I'm going for broke, I have nothing else.
Well,you are still doing what you love right? And well I cut,call myself bad names, and call myself ugly. But I am thinking that I need help. I feel like I am insane.
@death101 being on here was the first step for me to get help. So, by being on here, you're on your way to getting the help you need. I believe you can find it. :D
I feel like I relate to you a bit. I aim to make movies in the future. I'm always so full of crazy ideas and things that are different. I've been studying film for a while now and I discovered that it's a form of escapism. A way to leave yourself behind and look at something different or be something different. I fully encourage you to keep trying, if you love something you can't stop.
I also fully relate to your need to get out. I recently moved out of the town that was holding me back and it's one of the best things that have happened to me in such a long time. I feel so free. I felt like such an outcast before, no one liked me, everyone made fun of me, and there was nothing about the town that I liked. I felt like I was suffocating. There was nothing there for me at all. Now I'm venturing out and doing my own thing and I feel less stuck.
Something that my counsellor said to me is that despite feeling so low, I still manage to somehow have that drive to improve and do something with my life. I see the same in you. You're struggling but you're also being proactive when it comes to your future plans and what you want to achieve. As long as you hold onto that and don't let what you want out of sight, I know you can make it :)
It's okay not to feel okay. I'm sending you so much love and luck, you deserve to get out and do everything you dream of :)
@discreetAcres6234 thank you. I appreciate it
This post really hit me hard. The opening line "Depression has been keeping me away from things I love and care about. It's been keeping me locked away, even ashamed to be around the people I live with", was freaking amazing. It describes what so many others go through and it's relatable. I am so proud of you for sharing what you have, and I admire you for seeking out help. You are an amazingly strong person. Just remember that no one can be happy all the time, it's not possible. So if you have a bad day just remember that we're all here for you, like a family <3 Best of luck with your recovery and I hope you're getting better!
It seems like you have limitless energy, to be able to balance all the stuff you are balancing! You're like a superhero, almost! I hope you reach all your (positive and healthy) goals, you deserve to get to all of them. <3
As the person above me said, it's okay not to be okay. Okay?
@Monarda Thank you. It's hard for me to confide to anyone, anywhere. Vulnerability is most difficult for me, as it hasn't ended well for me in the past. I'm trying, but it's not easy. Super-heroes don't really get a day off, haha.
@AutumnEagle I'm the same, vulnerability is something I still have to get past. I hope you can take a day to yourself soon, you deserve it.
@Monarda Thank you. I'm trying to do that, but every time I do, it's like my ass gets kicked for it. But I'm still trying. haha.
@AutumnEagle Best of luck <3
@Monarda same to you dear