Trapped
I'm not totally comfortable with this, but I'm desperate and don't know where else to go. I don't have anyone to talk to...my parents have told me not to bother them anymore and since becoming married my friends have all gone their seperate ways. My husband brushes off my depression as hormonal imbalance due to pregnancy - and maybe my 'condition' makes things seem more extreme, but I fully believe that I wouldn't be having such a hard time if he could give me a little support or even just listen to me...
Firstly, we are struggling financially. We bought a house last year and a vehicle the year before. Between bills, insurance, car payments, home repairs (we just replaced our furnace and are in the middle of re-insulating our windows for winter), and groceries, we are barely scraping by. We also have property taxes due by the end of the year, a broken water softener and a need for a bigger vehicle this winter that I have no idea how we're going to come up with the money for. I'm a stay at home with 2 kids and 6 months pregnant. I've been trying to find a way to bring money into the home - I'm fairly decent with sewing and needlework and have been scouring the internet for jobs I can do at home - but between kids and chores I rarely have a moment to myself and so this avenue appears to be fruitless. I'm teaching a cooking class through our community center next month, which could potentially pay off most of our property taxes if enough people sign up and my husband holds to his word to watch the kids while I'm gone. My husband has a good job in the trades, though he's new to the trade he has the opportunity to advance by getting his papers (4 years of school...and extra expense). His wage allows us to pay the bills, but leaves nothing to put away for savings and only gives us enough to make minimum payments on our dept. We can't even afford for him to take a sick day. I do everything I can to save where I can - I make 99% of our food from scratch, I buy our kids clothes second hand, and wear my husband's old worn out work jacket in the winter since mine broke on me early last winter...Yet my husband still spends money on chocolate bars, chips and other junk food while he's at work - even though I send him a lunch - even though he has agreed to stop spending needlessly (I don't think he realizes that I find the wrappers in the car). We are more or less reliant on my husbands income, but I'm constantly stressing out over his job. It's good, but he's unreliable. He's late for work every day because he can't get his butt out of bed in the morning. He stays up until 1 am and expects to be able to be at work at 8 am. He usually rolls out of bed around 730, with my prodding and nagging - and I feel like I shouldn't have to kick an adult out of bed daily. He then takes the next half hour or more to get ready, visit with the kids and pittle around the house (looking for tools he needs for work or unloading firewood from the car, etc). On Monday he was over 3 hours late. I'm just waiting for the day he comes home and tells me he was fired - because quite honestly if I were his boss I would've done it already. We're in a rural area, so jobs aren't exactly abundant in this area, and good paying ones even less so. I don't know what we're going to do in the winter if we get snowed in and has to miss work - it happened several times last year.
Secondly, I clean the house over and over again and yet it's still a mess. I'm not talking about kids toys on the floor or unmade beds here. For example, I clean our entryway and within a week my husbands tools are all over the place. I don't mind him starting a project but it takes him a month or more to get the project done, at which point he tells me he'll get around to cleaning up his tools when he has some time and energy. After a week or so I finally get sick of the kids and I stepping on nails and having to kick giant painters tarps infront of the door so we can get our shoes and jackets and then infront of the closet so we can get out the door, that I pick it up. Then he comes home and says something about how I didn't have to do that he was going to get around to it. Then usually give it a few weeks or a month and he's throwing a tantrum because he can't find the tools I put away because I didn't put them away properly. Or nearly every morning I find a plate and water cup sitting on the computer desk. He constantly complains that his water cup disappears, so I started leaving his water cup alone, and within 3 days he had 3 water cups all sitting together on the desk - if he isn't going to reuse it why is it a problem if I clean it? I feel like I shouldn't need to constantly pick up after him - it's like I have an extra child in the house! Then he tells me if I need a hand with something to just ask him. So I ask him to carry the laundry basket upstairs when he goes to bed for me, and after a week it's still sitting there - and usually by that point all the nicely folded clean clothes have been thrown all over the place by the baby and need to be refolded. Or I ask for help with the dishes and he whines the whole time he's helping.
Thirdly, I never get any time to myself. I can't so much as pick up a book when the babe is awake, if she catches me doing anything but paying attention to her while she's awake she feels the need to correct this. We also homeschool our oldest, and so when the baby is napping it's 'school' time. Even right now the only reason I can write this is because I'm neglecting his 'school' time and the baby is asleep (this is actually the second time I'm writing this because she caught me at the computer while she was awake and came up and jammed the keyboard and somehow deleted my post). I often go to bed shortly after my oldest does, after I've done dishes and tidied up - usually while hubby plays on the computer, although sometimes he works late and doesn't get home until the kids are in bed. Even when he is home on time asking him to look after the kids for a bit is usually more trouble than it's worth - he often gets grumpy and then I get 2 grumpy kids to put to bed and a grumpy man to deal with the rest of the night. I get up before the kids so I can shower and maybe squeeze in some time for myself - and I'm lucky if the baby doesn't wake up early. When hubby and I sat down for a 'serious' talk a few months ago he promised he'd get up with baby in the morning so I could have some time for a walk or yoga or whatever, but that lasted a few days at most. The only time he really looks after the kids is when I have a mental breakdown, which is happening more and more often these days, and quite literally lock myself in our bedroom to force him to look after the kids - which sometimes means he has to miss work which again is not good for his reliability or our financial problem. Sometimes I go to the city on weekends (when hubby doesn't have our only vehicle) and leave the kids with my parents for a few hours, but this time is always spent buying groceries. After a day in the city I usually come home to a disasterous house - I honestly don't know how hubby makes such a mess at home by himself all day. It usually takes me a day or two to catch up on the dishes and find all the junk that's been left around. And it doesn't seem like he does anything the whole time I'm gone. Must be nice for him to get a day all to himself to do whatever he wants. Or even if he does do something (like installing our new furnace) at least he gets to do it uninterupted. Usually he's hungry and needs me to fix food when I get home too, or bring something home with me. I feel selfish demanding time to myself, and those days I have mental breakdowns and do get time to myself I can't really classify as 'relaxing' time because I spend most of it bawling my eyes out and pull myself together - I can't even manage to read a book or anything during these times because I'm so distraught. I don't like my kids seeing me this way either, it's not fair to them. Am I a bad person for wanting a little time for myself? Alone?
I feel terrible and trapped; like my life is over and all I have to look forward to is misery. I love my kids but I feel like I can't be the parent they deserve and I feel even more guilty because I'm bringing another child into this atmosphere. My whole life all I ever wanted was a family, but I feel like I'm a failure and I'm seriously starting to regret ever having followed this path. I feel like running away, but I have no where to go - my parents have already made it clear I'm not welcome to live in their home and my siblings don't have room for myself and the kids. I used to feel welcome to stay at my local temple - I have a lifetime membership there - but since everything else has been going on in my life my service there has been severely lacking and I rarely even make it to Sunday program and so I don't feel like that option is available to me anymore...I don't really want to leave my husband either, I feel like it's just admitting defeat if I do and that life isn't going to be any easier if I do anyway...
I don't know...I just needed some sort of an outlet....
Hey midori -
First thing - realize that you are not alone. 1 out of 2 Americans live in poverty currently, and a pregnant mom in a rural area with two kids and an unsupportive husband is a symptom of that. It's not because of you.
Second, this won't last forever. The only guarantee in life is change.
Third, your hormones really are making it harder for you to act in your best interest, so take it easy on yourself. Women are not crazy, they're just wired differently from men, and they deserve respect and comfort just like everyone else. It is especially difficult while pregnant and just after giving birth.
Fourth - sounds like your husband may be suffering from depression, too. One symptom of that is sleeping all the time, tardiness to work, and shutting down emotionally (he may want to care, and may have the strength to act like he cares for short periods of time, but if he's shut down he's not really feeling much of anything at all, for you or the kids. The only thing I know for sure about that is that you have no control over his behavior. We can only control ourselves....and sometimes we can't even do that! (Thus the candy bar wrappers in the truck! :)
I would definitely talk to someone at temple. You need your support netweork now more than ever, and the more people involved, the better off you will be. Spread it out. Ask for help from anyone and everyone, when you have the strength.
And please don't forget to breathe. Look for those moments when you see the soul in your children's eyes...and just breathe through those moments when you want to mail them to Russia on the slow boat! ;)
By the way - there are Moms groups online that are pretty awesome....maybe google around and see what you find. I'm glad you're reaching out....please keep reaching out.
Rural is hard, so internet is good. I'm really glad you're online.
Good luck, friend!
Wow . I feel eerily similar . Like almost spot on. Only I have one child . And the other is a combat veteran with PTSD . Im lost and frequently have "breakdowns" . In tired of crying .
I am married, but have no children. My husband lives in the old days. I am the housewife and he brings in the money, so I feel trapped as well. I can relate to your story regardless I have no children. He makes good money and gives me whatever I want, but money makes me sick because I am not happy. He is an alcoholic and treats me like a slave. Like I'm only good for cooking, cleaning, and sex. This is why I do not want children. Maybe the old times were good, but I would like my independancy back. I have none. What is worse, I still love him very much and that screws things up mentally. I hope you will figure things out. I haven't had the courage to yet! I'm a robot .. I do w/e he says and I'm sick of it.
Thank you to everyone who shared their sympathy and advice. I'm sorry to anyone else going through this kind of situation, but at the same time feel somewhat better that I'm not the only one. It's also nice to find people that are actually willing to take the time to help someone in their hour of need. So many people like to point out all your mistakes and abandon you when you truly need it - and these seem to be the same people that wonder why suicide is such an issue - but it's nice to find some compassion.
Thanks again from a lady whose lifelong dream was to have her own bundles of joy to love and has found herself in a less that dream-perfect reality.
So, to help my situation I've tried talking to several listeners through this site, sought out mom groups, talked to a priest at my temple and even had a serious talk with my husband. The result? No change. The listeners I've talked to here have been really hit and miss. Some are encouraging and others just leave me feeling worse. I've tried a couple 'mom sites' and I get no responses to my posts. Other mom groups are for getting together with moms, which would be great if I had any way of meeting with people in person. My priest just tells me 'god has a plan.' My husband promised to help out around the house - do the dishes, give his son his science lessons, get up in the morning to help take care of the baby so I can have some me time, and get his butt to work on time. In a week and a half he's washed one small sink full of dishes and left them for me to put away. (Today I'm working away at 3 days worth of dishes by the way.) His idea of dealing with the baby in the morning is leaving her in her crib until she's nearly hysterical, bringing her downstairs and saying 'oh there's mommy, you just want your mommy huh?', and passing her off to me. He also promised he'd give his son a science lesson last weekend, and it still hasn't happened. He still has not made it to work on time a single day either...
I love my husband and I don't want to leave him, but I'm miserable and things don't seem to be changing. If I leave I have no where to go, he literally will lose his job because I'd have to take our only vehicle, the mortgage therefore won't get paid and since my parents are co-signers the bank will go after them and I'll never hear the end of it from their end, not to mention I have no way to feed myself or my kids if I leave...Do I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is my life and just learn to live with it, somehow?
Maybe I'm not the best person to reply to this- I'm not married, pregnant, in poverty, or even live in the rural North (I'm guessing, because you mentioned preparing for the winter). But I read your post and I feel that since this is a forum, I should at least try my hand at saying something to help.
As far as finances go, it seems that you?re doing all you can. Making that much food from scratch is not an easy endeavor, especially with so many mouths to feed. Your husband might be eating the candy bars as impulse stress-relievers (I do the same), so I?d recommended finding him better and cheaper things to use instead. The habit is pretty unhealthy and after all, every dollar adds up. Do you own any alarms? That might help to whip him in shape when it comes to his job. You shouldn?t have to wake him to go to his job; you are not his mother and he is not your teenaged son. If not, you could try outlining a schedule for him to follow when he wakes up. This is to prevent him from wandering around in the mornings. Get him to sleep earlier as well. Again, this isn?t your job, but there?s nothing wrong with helping him improve.
No more ?I was getting around to it?. Sounds a bit harsh (it probably is; I?m sorry), but even I got sick of seeing it repeated over and over. Stepping on nails? That?s a bit much. I think you need to be on top of your husband. Maybe not nagging him, but when you notice that he?s been away from his project for a while and the stuff is still all over the place, tell him firmly to put it away. If he says ?No worries, I?ll get to it?, tell him again that he needs to put it away before he forgets, like he?s done in the past. Again, I might be off on this, but these are basic things about living in a space together: you pick up your mess and you respect each other?s privacy. (This I do know about, I?ve shared a room with my siblings my entire life so far.)
Also, he should be picking the laundry basket (and things of that manner) up for you anyways. You are pregnant, after all. Not to say you?re completely immobile, but again- you?re pregnant.
When you go to the city on the weekends, why don?t you try leaving the kids with your husband? It would help him build a little maturity and responsibility. Besides, I get the feeling your parents don?t want you relying on them for anything now that you?re grown, so it would help those matters. You could teach your husband how to cook (or would he find that emasculating?) Just another step towards being reliant and steady.
You shouldn?t feel selfish needing time for yourself. Just the thought that you would feel that way makes me upset. You are a person too. You didn?t split yourself up into pieces when you became a wife and mother. You have needs and wants just like your little daughter or your older son. Don?t ever feel selfish.
A dare: Try saying ?I?m going out for a walk. Watch the kids.? to your husband and see how he replies. Or don?t; again, I don?t know him and I have no idea what he?d say. But if you don?t think he?d jump up and start screaming, try it. You might be surprised.
One last thing, and then this long essay of a response can be over. Couples counseling? Is there any way you can get in touch with that? It might not be this serious, but you mention that you have mental breakdowns and your depression while you spend most of your rant talking about your husband?s inferiorities. Maybe it could be the answer.
The church tends to say ?God has a plan?. Not to say that He doesn?t, but He also told us to take action in our lives (Or He does in the Bible. I?m assuming you have the Torah since you said temple?).
Hope this helps, from one tired, disappointed girl to another
Hey Midori5 -
So glad you had the strength to try and make some positive changes. I'm so sorry they didn't work out better. Please keep trying; don't give up.
You know, one thing really stood out to me...your feelings of responsibility for your parents co-signing the mortgage on your house, and you not leaving because of that. I'm not advising that you leave your husband, but the mortgage and your parents are absolutely not worth your sanity. We all have our breaking point, and if you need to walk away from this situation for your own health, then that's what you need to do. There are many stages to a foreclosure, and you and your family would have the opportunity to do a "short sale" on your house before anyone's credit got damaged. A foreclosure is a very lengthy process, and your parents would have many options to get out before it went through....I'm just telling you this so you know that you don't have to live in crazy town to protect your parents.
Again, nothing - not even your kids - are more important than your own sanity.
If it were easy for you to leave your husband, would you? Do you want to share your life with him anymore?