Trying to pin down something, some kind of general negativity

Hi,

So this is actually the second time i've written this post. The first post was deleted after I realised I was getting towards the fifth paragraph (bad habit of mine). So i'll try and keep this one more concise.

Lately i've started to feel pretty bad but... in a way I can't quite seem to pin down.

I'm currently on a year away from uni and I am starting to feel like i'm extremely lonely. It's not a consistent thing, I don't really wake up lonely, go to work lonely, then come home lonely. But it's something that comes and goes and it's starting to get more frequent.

There's... well... there's a lot that could influence this and it's really difficult to pin down one thing. I think a big part of it is the battles i've had during my second year of university. Basically, earlier in the year I had to deal with my younger brother committing suicide, that and just dealing with other squabbles, and hearing about how horrible I consider some people to be kinda fostered this mindset of "I have to say something when I see something is wrong. I'm one of the few who can stand up because i've been through enough and have the mental fortitude to deal with maybe being seen badly or being called something". This led to heated battles within my friendship group when a couple of particularly hotheaded people were flipping out, making people upset and then simply not caring.

Unfortunately as you can guess within such a closely knit group this meant i began to feel like an outcast. Initially, this was fine. I had friends who quietly agreed with me.

But then second year of uni ended, and I moved onto placement year.

So being away from uni, contact was understandably harder. My friends i would usually vent to to get things off my chest became less active. I learned from another mate that this was because they opened up with the one that was being unnecessarily vitriolic. This meant that what i initially saw as a group splitting because a lot of people don't agree, eventually just began to feel like a total outcasting.

I noticed that over the last year, friends who were originally quite active, suddenly just seemed to always have better plans. I'd frequently ask if anyone fancied hopping on for a voice chat, or just a chill time, and noticed that it seemed to be whenever I asked, nobody wanted to. However anyone else, and it was fine. One of my close mates claims that everyone is busy, however i have told him I reject that due to the fact that they always seem to have time for eachother, meeting multiple times weekly. My logic is simple, "If they can meet several times each week, then why are they so busy that they can't talk in over 3 months?". This really is what's probably been fuelling this loneliness lately.

The past 2 years have meant that i'm lately feeling... quite down. But in a weird way.

I'm not suicidal, nor self-harming. After losing my brother and seeing and feeling the aftermath, I don't think I could ever do that. But i definitely feel like something is wrong. I often ask if anyone can just come online, just to talk or do something social, and then when the inevitable "no" comes, things just kinda take a downwards turn. A couple times i get so down i just go to sleep for a couple hours. Truthfully, I don't even know if i'm even liked anymore, whether i'm a friend or whether people are pretending. Having the last couple weeks off work due to stored-up holiday days, I thought i would enjoy it, and i did, but about half of that was also spent just feeling absolutely awful. And i can feel these episodes are becoming more and more frequent.

It's a horrible feeling. I'm angry that friends gave me so much crap last year, I even heard from a friend they said "I get his brother died but no need to be an a**hole", I'm feeling like an outcast who is simply kept there because nobody wants to tell him to go away, and i'm feeling like nobody can understand because at the end of the day, they wish to "keep the peace", and the common response is "I think you should just take a step back" rather than addressing what's going on here.

So, what's going on? Cause i'm really not sure what to call this. Some kinda light paranoia? Depression? Some kinda bottled-up negativity? Just some overblown negative emotions? Cause it's really hard to characterise. It comes and goes, so I don't even know if this is an actual thing, but it's coming and going a lot more frequently lately and i'm not sure if it'll be getting more frequent. And I really don't like going to sleep just so i can maybe drop that when i wake up.