Turns out I'm not okay
I really thought that I was doing okay. I felt like things were going as fine as they could be. I was so wrong.
I feel selfish and over dramatic about the way I feel but I don't think I really care anymore.
This downward spiral started when I tried to upgrade my phone today but they refused to do it because my mother is the one who pays for my phone and they want her to be there (but she lives in a different city so she can't come down). It's such a small thing that had a huge impact. I couldn't help but think about all the other times throughout my entire life where things just don't work out for me. It has just always been this way. I have problems no matter where I go or what I do.
As a child all technology that my parents would buy me would never work. Anything from computers, DVDs, DVD players, CD players, CD's, cameras etc. we're always broken for some reason. We would always have to take them back to the store. And then as I got older these sort of things continue in real life situations. I had problems with my student accommodation arrangements, I'm still having problems with my student finance, I had issues registering with a new doctor, I had issues when I was receiving job seekers allowance, and I'm still not having any luck finding work. Nothing is ever simple for me. I can't help but feel that it's just very unfair for me to always have to stress over stupid things whereas everyone around me seems to be doing fine and don't need to go through the problems I go through.
I just feel like I was born with bad luck.
Everyone is always saying that I need to be more positive and appreciate the small things in life but it's so hard to do that when the good moments are so few and the bad ones are so common and frequent.
I don't know how to handle things going wrong anymore. Nothing ever seems to go right. If there is a God out there I think I was born just for their amusement. Everyone wants to see me suffer. It's fun to watch me suffer I guess.
It's getting very hard not to reach breaking point. I'm so tired of always being brought down by others and bad situations. It never ends.
No one notices that I'm not okay. No one cares. Everyone is happy to ignore my pain. Everyone is happy bringing me down. It's like I deserve to be in constant suffering.
If I could rip my heart out so I could stop feeling and caring then I would.
So sorry that you are feeling this way. I do hope that soon you will feel better able to cope with what life throws at you. In the meantime, you are not alone and I and other people here on this forum will try to support you
@consideratePlace67 thank you for the kind words *hugs*
Hey, just checking in and to let you know you are not alone and not forgotten either
@consideratePlace67 thank you so much. It kinda feels nice to feel noticed
I don't know what, if anything I can do to help, However if just letting you know that you are most definitely not alone (however much it feels like you are) and that helps you just the tiniest amount, then I am so pleased that I typed a few words
@consideratePlace67 don't worry about it, I'm not sure I know what could help me either. Your kindness is very nice though and I appreciate that
@discreetAcres6234 It sounds like it is so hard to see the positives because the bad times are overtaking. I am wondering whether you have tried to reach out to listener 1-1 here that could maybe be a ear for you, and have someone that cares for you on a regular basis.
We are all however still here in the forums for you, just often I think that 1-1 support can be really comforting and effective. Also its your space which is confidential to be used how you need it to be.
You mention not knowing what to do next, what have you tried to help with this?
@fluffyUnicorns84 I have reached out to listeners. It offers some relief but it's very temporary. And I just find it hard to talk about how I'm feeling sometimes because it feel like I'm overreacting or just being stupid. It's hard for me to accept the way I feel most of the time because I don't feel like there should be a reason for me to feel so bad about myself and my life when so many people out there have it way worse. And on my worst days I worry that I'll burden someone so I just keep it to myself and try to survive alone.
I've been taking antidepressants. They seemed to work at first but now, not really. And I'm seeing a counsellor and will be moving onto a therapist soon. I feel like there is nothing that can really help. I don't know if there is anything that could change how I feel.