Uncertainty.

About a few months ago I had biggest lost in my life. I lost one of the people I love the most, my husband. After his death, I found out so many hidden secrets he kept from me. All those secrets made me wonder is he really loved me as he said he did. I'm the type of person who beleive that if you truly love someone you don't keep anything from them no matter how bad it is. In two more days its going to be another day from his passing. I'm really trying to move forward from all of this but there is always something that keeps me from believing that I am good enough. All my life everyone I've been with has cheated and lied to me in so many ways that's not even funny. Yet, after building all these walls I always open my heart up and they end up doing the same or even worse. I know if its normal for me to feel so down. After his passing what everyone does is judge me. I'm trying to move on from all the negativity around me and find the possitive of things but nothing is really working out. I have even thought about moving to another state to start from scratch because I don't want to hear all these rumors people are talking about me. My own family thinks its true and that's what hurts me the most. Everyone keeps spreading this negative propaganda about me I really don't know what to do. I haven't heard it yet, but I strongly believe everyone thinks that I had something to do with the death of my husband even thought he wasn't with me when he died. I was home sleepinig and he was at work. Sometimes I just wish I could just disappear.... The only person that gives me the strenght to keep going is my 4 yr old, but I don't want to keep rasing her around all these negative people. I honestly hate everything. I feel so numb, today I feel like I'm not myself, I'd been so spaced out all day... remembering my marriage that was built from a lie right from the start... how everyone backstabs me... I really don't know what I've done to deserve all this shit that's happening to me.