Venting.
Writing here to vent (if there is a more specific thread to do so please tell me).
I haven't had a therapy appointment in 2 weeks (last week she couldn't because of family and this friday is an holiday) so I have alot built up and just need to vent. Please bear with me.
I feel so alone. I know I'm not, I have two friends and one almost friend and my boyfriend (plus my family) but I feel beyond alone.
Although in presence I have someone ... I don't have a super deep connection.
The best one I could describe is with my boyfriend but he struggles emotionally and is killing me.
I try my best to not be deppendent of compliments or romantic things, I try giving him alot of space for gaming and playing with his friends, overal try to be rational and respect boundaries. However I find myself extremly miserable... I miss hugs, kisses (its a long distance relationship) and since I don't have those doesn't help that he also struggles emotionally...
Sometimes would be nice having a random sweet text. You know, no pressure, just when he felt like it (forced feelings is the worst so).
I miss feeling special, I miss feeling beautiful to someone's eyes, I miss feeling apreciated. Right now I'm crying with this but I really do.
I keep blamming myself that is my problem because that's all I know how to do , and honestly, if it's my fault at least is easier to manage. I'm just so crushed, drained, exahusted. I can't sleep, my eating habbits are the worst- I either starve or binge- I can't study because I keep crying, I just feel so stupid, miserable and pathetic.
I wish I could do something else for my happiness but no matter how hard I try is not enough.
I try my best to follow buddhist thoughts because they help me mentally, I try buying myself nice things, although is very hard I do my best to take care of myself daily (shower, eating, do homework, exercise...) and I try to think positive. But is not being enough..
The worst is that I feel like an hypocrit. i keep telling people will get better, because honestly life is very unpredictable and when we hit rock bottom can't be worst it can only be better, but I've been in rock bottom since I was 10 years alot. I'm currently 23.
I'm stuck in a dungeon of my own thoughts and feelings. Demons whispering in my ears. I'm desperate, alone, crushed.
Help.
I'm sorry you had to miss an appoiment, it seems like you've been having a rough time. I hope all your burdens are eased soon and you find peace with yourself. You are very brave to keep on trying even though everything is so rough. I hope ranting here helped soothe you, even by a little bit.
Trying to form a deeper connection with others can be tricky. My only advice is to have some private time with your friends and open up about yourself. Talk about things that are deep and meaningful to you. As for your boyfriend, I suggest you talk to him about how you're feeling. Sorry if that isn't helpful.
@Fearlessdragon
I'ts ok no worries. I know is tricky giving a depressed person advice. But I do apreciate your sweet words!
@Booklover95
Aww, I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through right now, but please don't be so hard on yourself, you've been trying. The truth is, I got caught up in your post as soon as I opened it because I can almost relate to you being trapped in the dungeon of your thoughts and unable to go on with life despite doing all the self-care activities. But there are really times when we just really need to let our emotions take over and get lost so we'd be able to find ourselves again and realized things we didn't know before. In fact, I had a really horrible week and right now I'm still trying to recover from it. But here's to you, to us who have been trying our best. I hope we'll get through all of this soon. 😌
@plumField5702
Thank you so much. Indeed, I really am trying everyday, just has been truly hard to be honest.
But thank you for your words of encouragment. Makes me feel less lonely and gives me some hope.
I hope this next week becomes better than your previous one, you deserve days filled with happiness.
@Booklover95
Yeah, adulting is real for us. It's nice to find someone who can somehow relate to you. I'm the same age as you, by the way.
Anyway, you too, booklover. You too. ❤️