Wanting the thing I hate
I have a lot of issues with hating myself and feeling of unworthy of love and affection but it's something that I also want so badly that not having it hurts. I am in the early stages of a divorce but we have not been close for a long time but I would never have cheated on her so I stuffed down I needs for affection but now we are splitting and she has someone now I see her being so happy and God do I want to be happy but I know that even if I could find someone who would give me that kind of affection it still would not make me happy. I just hate how alone I feel or that I feel like I deserve to be alone.
You are griefing and that's totally normal..
You may feel anger, you may experience denial and that's all part of the process.
I think you need to focus in your life improvment and your wellbeing more than focusing in your ex and how she is doing .
Give yourself the permission to recover and to overcome these big feelings you have..
Seek for professional help if you need more support .
You are human.. with advantages and disadvantages , with ups and downs, with experiences (tough ones and good ones) remember how far you achieve.. remember how blessed you are.
And keep going ..
One step at a time