What am I battling?

6 years ago I had issues to deal with and it affects my entire life in a negative way. After that incident, my life have changed completely and I've never felt the same. I was crying every night and didn't know what to feel. I knew I was okay and happy but as years passed by I felt lost and there's a hole in my heart. I became reckless and rude, and all I say is bad words and thinking of doing bad which is very not me. I remember as I was about to enter my classroom I need to go first to the restroom to look at the mirror and smile to hide the pain that I'm feeling and I did that every day. I never thought that I will end up feeling this way thinking that it just started with a single issue. About a year ago, I decided to take the first step in making progress but it was never easy. I was completely doing good and progressing fast. I was able to sleep well at night and limit crying at night and I thought that it will continue. But as days passed by I started feeling numb again and started to create a hole in my heart again. I was doing good in school but never felt enough. I fear almost everything and overthink almost everyday. I started to question what's wrong with me and cry in the middle of the night. I knew I needed help cause I know I can't handle it by myself but I don't want my parents to know this cause I don't want them to be disappointed at me. This is a total relief for me cause finally I'm saying this. I don't know if this is depression or anxiety or what, all I know is that I'm not okay and it's very hard for me rn.