What can I do?
I will try to put a brief roundup of my life.
Earliest memories (about 5 years old) of being physically assaulted, raped, and molested by a woman my dad married.
After my dad left that woman for whatever reason, we moved to another state. I don't remember much while there.
After that we came back to the same area, only this time my father assaulted me and molested me for years.
Finally at 12 years old I stood up for myself one night while my dad was molesting me, and never slept in his bed again.
I somehow was able to keep "friends" and be a "normal" social kid up until about 13. At 14 everything changed and I couldn't fit in anywhere. I'm 30 years old now, and it's been the same ever since.
I'm a social outcast in my beliefs and lack thereof, so getting along with strangers is very difficult.
I've never been "normal". I've been used and abused throughout my life. My birth mother used me the most. I have nothing to do with her anymore. For the longest time, since about 12, I had a best friend in my 7 year younger brother. Over the past 3 years our relationship died for some reasons I don't understand, likely though his addiction to methadone or how much I hated our mother. Now I only have my father in my life. I live with him, have no job, no aspirations, no deisre to leave my blacked out room with a computer. That's it. I have no friends, my family has nothing to do with me, never have. I've never had a friend. I've never had someone want to spend time with me just because they liked me or wanted me around (except for my dad). But that's probably because I'm the only person in his life, especially since he got hurt at work and had to retire disabled. My dad is not intelligent, and emotionally unavailable. The online "friends" I have had on and off through the years have never actually gone anywhere.
I just want to be loved.
@james619 Well, I think you can still elaborate if it's not too late ( I don't mean your age, but you still have like ten years to get your life together ), an actionable higher-order goal hierarchy. That's what I'm trying to do myself, for I could say I'm into deep trouble likewise. I live with my very toxic parents, and I haven't got out of the house ( into the social world, I mean ) for like four years due to severe social anxiety. I have no friends, and past formed presuppositions, bad experiences, trauma is guiding my current behavior. But I intend to fix all that, and perhaps you could too. Maybe, you could write a plan for your life. You can have what you want and need, assuming you're tacking care of yourself, that you're starting with a proper attitude towards yourself, which is that you are worthy of care and respect, and there's something to you that's valuable that at least could be developed. And then the question is, what's that that you need? You can have what you want, but you have to specify it. What would you like from your friends three to five years down the road? What would you like your friendship network to look like? How do you like your career to shape itself? How are you going to take care of your family, and then what about children and a long-term mate, wife? What are you going to do with your time outside of work that's useful and engaging, meaningful, and productive? How are you going to take care of yourself mentally and physically? Let your imagination roam freely and articulate that ideal future, particular to you, that's most probable to justify your suffering. You can use this program if you like to guide you, it's called the Future Authoring Program ( which I'm into completing myself ), and you can find the questions here https://medium.com/@tommyscience/the-future-authoring-program-jordan-b-peterson-9edc24a2edc6. Then you can also articulate a strategy to achieve your goals. Even if you can't get yourself to attend to them, because maybe you're so diminished that you can't, but then at least you know, you know what you have to do, you know when you err. I don't know if this might be helpful to you. But, I hope it does.
Dear unknown,
I don't know you, but just know that I love you.
You're brave for sharing what you've been through.
You're strong for going through it all.
You can't force others to love you or to respect you.
You can learn to love and respect yourself as you would others.
Love,
Me
