What's on my mind I guess..
Im not sure how to start this so I'm just going to jump in
I'm not diagnosing myself nor have I ever been.
I often feel alone and afraid. I feel like a pathetic bag of bones who has squandered herself into this God forsaken world.
Life is beautiful I'm smart enough to not just end my own life, only get one. Plus I couldn't do that to my family. Leaving them.
At the age of 8, my mother, and her husband moved us to Illinois. My mother worked and would be gone for weeks, while on the other hand, this wretched man touched me. Made me go down on him and he went down on me. I was only 8, and this happened till I was 10 and he hit my mother and so she took us back across the States. She never knew what he did and I don't have the heart to let her know and her hating herself for never being there.
Where we moved, I hated, I was teased and picked on a lot. We move again a new school, this school is where I got first beat by a bunch of immature children. A group against a single person is just sad. We move again and I still got beat and made fun of and pushed around. I got so sick of it. I told my mother enough and so she got me for an online school which I'm getting much better grades, will be graduating soon. The only thing is, I'm scared. I'm damaged, I'm hurt. I feel so useless. I've been seeing a creature ever since I was a child, I'd see him in my sleep paralysis states, and now grown up, I see him everyday staring at me. I'm scared honestly and can't tell anyone because he'll hurt me
@VoTone gosh I'm so sorry that you've been through so much. It sounds like you've had some really traumatic experiences, I understand why you'd feel so damaged. I'm glad you were able to convince your mother to let you do online schooling. It's really amazing that you've been able to keep your grades up and still see life as beautiful despite everything; you seem really strong to me.
I won't tell you to go get help or whatever cause I'm sure you know what it is you feel you need. But there's a lot out there, and a lot of people here willing to support you if you decide that's what you want. I really hope you're able to work through your fears. If you can still hang on despite all the things you deal with, I bet you'd be nothing less than a star after getting through the things you struggle with. Take care.
@AndrewACT thank you, I'm not ready to tell family, I just know this is a start for me talking about things and to not ending my own life. I've been close many times I just can't imagine how my family would feel.
