When is it gonna end?
I've been living with depression since I was 17 years old, I'm 29 now, I never received any treatment or anything because: 1. I live in a 3rd world country where people don't take seriously this problems. 2. I can't afford it. 3. I don't really see the point.
I wake up everyday wishing is my last one, I don't have any goals, or plans for the future. My job is being very stressfull lately and my boss is a bitch, so let's add work stress to the equation. I have 2 or 3 friends that I can trust but they don't understand me, they think I'm just sad and that at some point I'll get over it. My best friend lives in another country and she has her own issues, I don't talk to her about my problems because I don't want to be a burden for her, and because deep down I feel she doesn't care. My family.... well, let's just say that even though we live under the same roof, we act like 5 strangers, we all solve our own issues, no one wants to know about each other's problems or get involve, they've never been supportive or caring, so, I think that's a done deal.
I find myself constantly thinking about suicide, when I'm in my car I think about all the possibilities for a car accident, I use self harm as a way to try to calm myself down, I don't care about the scars. I feel like every day is the same, wake up, go to work, go back home, sleep and repeat. I believe I have nothing to live for, some people have shown me that money is more important than me (a former friend of mine said that when I asked her if I could visit her and talk for a while). I'm not a bad person, but I find it really hard to trust others, and sometimes I'm mean. I'm always angry and I find it hard to get through the day without having a fight or argument with someone. I don't really feel like living anymore and I've tried to end my life in more than one ocassion but life turns out to be a very cruel joke sometimes.
I just want this to be over....
@Link08
Although I have experience with what you have gone through, it was not for the same reasons. All I can say is that you obviously care, otherwise you wouldn't be here. SOMETHING inside you is kicking, it wants to live, to love, to SURVIVE. Listen to it child, and move on forward, for although this world is harsh, and although there is much hate about you, you WILL survive, and we are here for you, to support, to love, to live through this with you. Remember us, and do not despair.
-TheBoundlessVoid
@TheBoundless I wrote this here to vent, but to be honest, I'm not expecting anything from anyone, I've been disapointed so many times in my life that I don't really believe in people anymore... it would be better if I die, that's for sure, and I'm sure about that, there's nothing else to do in my case.
@Link08
You say you don't believe in people, but how about believing in yourself? Twelve years of depression, wow - that is hard going! Yet you're still fighting on. And you're working? You're achieving so much more than many people do. You give several reasons why you've not had treatment for your depression, but ultimately it is in your power to do something about it. Don't give up on yourself without even trying.
If you need a friend to talk to and to understand you, this really is a great site for that. And the best treatment for depression is to talk about it. Not just a moan about how difficult life is, but a will to talk through, face and tackle those problems. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Don't let them beat you!
I'm an old battle axe, so I know at 29 you have your whole life ahead of you. And whilst that life maybe feels pretty joyless right now, it doesn't have to. Attitude can make so much difference. So take that brave step of facing what makes you unhappy, remember to notice the good things in your life as well, and believe in your power to change and improve your life......because you can you know.
@BestIcanbe you don't understand...
@Link08
Then help me to sweetheart. Don't give up.
@BestIcanbe I really don't want to live anymore, and you asking me not to give up just makes me feel desperate because I feel like people is expecting me to move on and carry on with my life but I just can't!!
@Link08
Then you need to contact a crisis line and get some good support for yourself. Please take the time to talk to someone trained, before you make any rash decisions.
@BestIcanbe no, thanks.
