"When it rains, it pours, our demons we fight with a blazing torch"

Honestly, I'm not sure where to even begin. I guess I'll start from the beginning with my problems.

Hi there. I'm the FallenAngelFromMyNightmare, I'm new to 7 Cups and I just turned 21 recently. I was abandoned by my father when I was a baby and then again at 13, but in fairness to him he wanted my mother to abort me. That didn't happen, sadly.

I'm considered an outcast. I have little to no friends. I used to have friends, but they later abandoned me, too. I then realized that there's no such thing as "friends", there's only acquaintances.

I was born physically male with a neurological disorder called autism, but I'm high functioning on the spectrum.

I was born with feminine traits, depression, and anxiety.

I was emotionally and physically abused (non-sexual) by my stepfather who is no longer in the picture and is currently in prison for drug trafficking.

My first kiss was when I was 9, he was 7. We were cuddling and he grabbed me close to him, kissed me on the lips, and we started making out. He was the only person who loved me. I haven't experienced this level of love since. Sadly, his mom saw and I never saw him again after that night. She still hasn't explained to me why she felt the need to take him away from me. At the age of 15, she said "Thank you for opening up to me." That was it. She hasn't said anything more to me and we haven't talked since. I tried to talk to her but she won't respond to me, so I dropped communication but I wish she would give me some type of closure.

I'm a post-op transgender woman. I transitioned at 16 by starting hormone replacement therapy (estrogen). I later legally changed my name and my birth certificate to reflect my gender. At 19 I had sex reassignment surgery, it was very beautiful and natural looking! But sadly, it all came apart a few weeks later due to complications and I almost bled to death. I woke up at 7AM to find my bed soaked with blood, I regret calling 9-1-1. I wish that morning I would have went back to bed, but I was in a lot of pain and I thought my vagina could be saved, so I called for help. Sadly, I was wrong. The only thing that was saved was my life. They gave me a blood transfusion and snitched me up. I have no labia, no vaginal depth, an uncomfortable clitoral hooding, a gaping opening, and everything looks so scarred, but the tissue is soft. Everything is just so uncomfortable and awful looking.

So, to occupy my mind, I had a breast augmentation and went from a B cup to a C cup. They're 'okay', but they don't look even. Although I'm told that the vast majority of women don't have even breasts so whatever. At least they're somewhat bigger now.

After about 2 years of failed revisions and failed skin grafts, everyone agreed to taking an extreme step. I will be having a colon-vaginoplasty in April. It's where they take about 8 inches of your colon, clean it, and convert it to vaginal depth. I'm told that I will like the result. The pros of this revision is that the gaping opening will be closed, I will have a lot of vaginal depth, and I will have natural lubrication for sexual activity. The scent will later become a natural smell, as our body adopts. The cons of this revision is that my vagina will discharge because that's what the colon does, no matter how you convert it. But, I'm told vaginas in general discharge, so I don't know. I'm going to reserve my feelings on this. My insurance recently approved this surgery. Keep in mind, this is another surgeon as the surgeon who did my sex reassignment surgery and breast augmentation does not specialize in this type of surgery.

I was supposed to have facial feminization surgery on the 26 of February, but my therapist informed my surgeon that my mental health is in a poor state. All the sudden right? It's been in a poor state. She threw me to the wolfs! She knew how much this surgery meant to me! I terminated our 4-year relationship and no longer have a therapist. It's because of her my surgeon told me he wanted me to take a class in anger management for 6 months and see someone for a "borderline personality disorder" for 6 months before he feels "comfortable" with proceeding with any more surgery on me. Although, he told me I was "free to find another surgeon". My insurance already approved this surgery as well so this was at the last minute. I told him that I will be searching elsewhere. I wish I never met this man! I told him how I felt about him, in the end. He didn't seem to care, but whatever. I found a few surgeons who accept my insurance. However, since my facial feminization surgery would be 12 hours long, they have a waiting list of about 3-6 months. They're very good surgeons and I can't wait to have my consultations. I just wish I didn't have to wait so long for the surgery itself.

There's so much I can say about all my struggles, my traumas, etc.

My plan is, if this upcoming surgery isn't successful, if everything continues to look awful, if my pain doesn't decrease, if my vagina remains malformed, I will be calling it a night. I obviously won't get into the details. I also know my family will be devastated but I didn't ask to brought into this world. I don't wish to live a life without sex, without love, without comfort. Living life in constant physical and emotional agony is not worth it. I want to live, but not like this. So I pray and hope that this surgery is successful.

Thank you for your time. I just wanted to get all this off my chest.