Where do I even start? There's just so much bad going on.

Hello everyone! First off, I want to thank anyone who is here, helping or looking for help. This is my first post, and first time seeking help like this.. I really didn't know where else to go. I'm a little nervous, I feel apologetic for being here. I'm so sorry for you guys having to listen to me, or reading this. Oh fuck I'm so sorry. This isn't me, I shouldn't be here. I should be able to get out of this. Why wont this feeling go away? I'm such a pansy. I feel like this a lot. First off, since I don't know when else to put this out there, I'm transgender. Meaning, I'm stuck in the wrong body. I haven't ever told my family, as they are highly religious, and hurting them would just break my heart. If I hurt them, I couldn't live with myself. I would love to swap genders, but it's expensive and would hurt my family. That alone causes depression from time to time, and has made me an introvert. I'm so sorry to my family who has to put up with my depression, and the people I've come to love more then anything - my friends, I'm so sorry they met me. My depression causes disappointments in their lives, and I'm afraid they'll disappear, or grow annoyed with me. That I'll seem like a sore that does nothing but whimper and sulk. I'm so sorry, I don't want to disappoint them, I can't stand the thought of disappointing my loved ones. I'm so sorry, and I don't know how to get out of that funk. I use to be funny, kind, and not a bad thing to say. I use to say funny things. Now, all I can think about is how empty and horrible I feel, how guilty I feel for having a short fuse at inanimate objects (I'd never show a short fuse to people, that'd be terrible). I feel pressured, continuously. I miss my family. I think of how annoying my conversations must of been at work or with friends, and how people must of always found me annoying. How I should cut ties with everyone, and become a complete introvert. Maybe I'd be happy then? Just focus on myself? Never speak to anyone? Would this fix things? Seriously? Make it better for everyone? This truly sounds like a good solution, like, it'd really work. For real. But.. I'd be so lonely. And I'd miss the people I love.. I can never do the right thing. I need to do that, but it'd be so sad. Fuck sake, I wish I could do what I need to, to make everyone's life better. I'm such a pansy.

I think of how I long for the next day. Sort of like that Manson song, you know the one? "I woke up today and wished for tomorrow. I don't want even be myself." That statement couldn't describe my daily life better. I'm always looking for tomorrow. Looking for a way out of what I have to go through today. Fighting back the sorrow that longs to make my body collapse. Wishing with all my heart I could do better. Be better at meeting my friends needs. Being happy, a light they look forward to, and go to for help, and be there for them. I wish I was different. I don't like focusing on myself, at all. I love helping others.. I love making people smile and laugh, but lately it seems I only get odd looks rather then smiles. I think that's partly where this began. That, and my fiance' leaving me at the beginning of this year, and my family moving out of state. I'm all alone. My friends also live out of state. I also wish I was better at work, doing things the way my boss wanted. I can't seem to please anyone at work. They talk behind my back, or wish they were working with someone else. I feel like such a thorn. My boss throws fits when I can't do things the way he wants. I'm suppose to be training for a new position, but when I mess up or grow tired, I feel like an idiot. When I'm tired, I can't be there for my friends. I'm mostly sad especially when I'm tired. I don't know what else to feel. I feel like a disappointment. I wish I was faster and better at life. But over the last 6 months I couldn't live up to what people want of me. I don't sleep well lately. I need sleep, since my job is so physically demanding. I hate work lately. Which is sad, since I use to love it there. I love what I do, but the people surrounding me is taking the fun out of it (I feel really guilty saying that, I think it's just my depression making me think my co-workers are being rude. I bet they're nice people, it's got to be my attitude that makes them regret me. Maybe they don't regret working with me, and I'm probably just too sad to see it? I don't like thinking of anyone as bad or mean. That's so sad, to think or say someone's being mean.). It doesn't help that I barely make enough to support myself, so treating myself is out of the question, unless I want to regret it later. So anything for myself is done with a hint of guilt. That just makes me feel selfish, that I'd even bring that up. I am grateful for what I have, but sometimes I wish for little things. Like a cooking utensil, or shoes. I shouldn't complain. I complain too much, I know that. I do a lot lately. Something I'm eternally regrettably sorry about. Fuck sake, I can't believe I complained that much. Even now. That's just me being impatient. I'm a horrible person.. I shouldn't even be posting this. I don't want to spread poison to others. But I can't tell my friends, especially not my family. I can not put this on them, not anymore. But I can't keep it inside either, or else I might do something really stupid. I think about self harm sometimes, but killing myself is a much nicer thought. I pretend I'm dead, or sleeping under water sometimes, in order to fall asleep. It's peaceful, and sounds easier then living with the shame of cutting. I just want everyone to be happy, I like to bring happiness to others, why can't happiness be the natural state. The longer this goes on, the more I wish I didn't exist. I'm so sorry I exist, I'm so sorry I can't explain how sorry I am.