Why can't I change myself?
I had my first university class today and I was really hoping that moving to a different city and starting over would be good because I could actually start over and reinvent myself. I don't think that's possible. I came here feeling more confident than ever and more determined than ever to make friends with people and fit in but that's just not who I am.
I wanted university to be different to school. School was hell. Lonely, torturous hell. I figured that keeping to myself would be best because that would mean the girls in class would stop finding reasons to bully me, they still managed to find a reason to make fun of me. I don't want to keep to myself anymore, I want to be able to make connections with people and find friends. I need friends in my life, I need people who will keep me company so I don't feel isolated and alone. I just don't know how to do that. I'm not good at talking to people or talking out loud. It's really hard for me to go to a new place and want to try so hard to fit in and be wanted but I just end up freezing.
I thought that I could talk to others but I never seem to find a chance or a topic of conversation. People don't talk to me either. I have no idea what I can do to make myself feel less alone and more included in my class. I don't want to be isolated and outcast anymore, I can't take it.
You don't have to change a damn thing about yourself! First of all, you should be proud of yourself for furthering your education and attempting to get a career instead of working at McDonald's your whole life! You are more of an introvert and that's ok, but be yourself. Never be fake and act how others persuade you to or make you think is better just to fit in. I have always naturally been an introvert, but b/c I wanted people to like me, I acted stupid and loud and partied and got drunk and did drugs and I regret a lot of things. I don't want you to make those same mistakes. You will make friends. But, worry more about school. Your friends won't be paying your tuition or rent, will they? :)
I guess you are right. It's not that I want to become someone else, I just want to become less of an introvert. I enjoy social interaction but I just don't seem to get a lot of that. I don't want to spend the next 3 years alone and isolated again, I want to be able to feel like I'm part of the class and actually have someone to talk to and discuss things with.
We had a 15 minute break today in the middle of our class and everyone in the class was having a conversation with someone except for me. It's like people are already making connections in class and I'm falling behind again and soon people will become settled into little friendship groups and I'll have no one. I just want it to be easier for me to make friends, especially in a new city where I don't know anyone. I just worry that no one will want to talk to me or interact with me
I understand what you are saying .. I can give you a good example. I am married to a Mexican, but my sister-in-law doesn't speak English, so at a lot of family gatherings/holidays people are speaking Spanish, which used to make me feel left out and uncomfortable. I would always think someone was talking crap about the "gringa" (white girl) too .. which means I am still insecure w/myself. After awhile, I just loosened up and learned how to communicate w/my sister in law w/a hug and a kiss and she always wants to feed me. Just be yourself. Even if you like the weirdest things .. Idk about this new generation, but I'm sure if you talked about something else besides Facebook and your new Ipod, somebody would be interested in listening to you! lol When I met my husband, we got along right away and we talked about cars. Don't be scared to be you.
I'm going to attempt to start talking to some people next time. (I say attempt because that's what I had in mind for today and then I just got scared. Anxiety is the worst. So is depression because it makes you feel like no one cares enough to get close to you)
